To think I absolutely should not give this another chance.

[PollyFiona]

I am in my early 30s with one DD, BF is also early 30s with no children. When we first got together 2 years ago I made it clear that I was looking for a longterm relationship and wanted more children in the near future. I was looking for someone to settle down with.

He is a responsible and good man in many regards, kind, funny, caring, stable job, homeowner. I live in a rental so we discussed many ideas ranging from him selling his house, us buying together, him moving in with me for a while. In the end we decided it best for him to keep his house and move in with me for the time being so we can see how it goes before committing to buy together. We do live an hour apart but we can both easily commute from where I live and go back and forth. Throughout our relationship he kept making numerous promises about moving in together, first of all after a year together, then he said he wasn't ready just yet so I waited a little longer... Then he said definitely February this year.... That didn't happen. Then he said August this year, low and behold I have brought up the conversation and he has said he still isn't ready. He has said he kept giving me these months/dates because he was trying to keep me happy. He said it isn't a case of not wanting to be with me, or not wanting to move in ultimately, it isn't a 'maybe' he will one day. He definitely will move in one day but he's just not quite ready yet.

I've split up with him. I've told him I am not sitting around waiting for him to commit to me (and DD) properly. I want to settle down and have more children in the near future, and with DD getting older as well as myself I cannot afford to waste another 6 months, 1 year, on someone who may not ever commit. He assures me that he will commit, he's just not quite ready in the timeframe I would like. But there's not much compromise on his part either, it's simply "wait for me and one day I will might". My attitude is that I just don't want to potentially waste anymore of my time having spent 2 years on this relationship already with no commitment.

YABU - I should give him more time.
YANBU - I shouldn't give him more time.

I’ve waited 9 years. He will never be ready and it’ll be much easier to leave now than it will be another few years down the line.

Well done you! You're in different places and you've had the insight to recognise that and end it sooner rather than later.

YANBU, move on, if he's not ready now after 2 years then I don't understand how he's so sure that ever will

I wish I had been as bold as you when I was in this situation a few years ago - would have saved a lot of heartache. Hell I wish I was as bold as you now! You’ve definitely done the right thing by you and your daughter.

I didn't move in with DP (no children involved) until around 3 years in. I wouldn't have been in a rush to move a man, who is not the father of my child, in with me and child. So the initial timeframe of a year you mentioned seemed incredibly quick to me. But now to be two years in and he's still not nearly read, I think you're right. If he finds it intense, then that's not going to change.

The sad thing is, you may be a perfect couple, but he clearly isn't ready to take on that permanent role of stepfather and living with a child that isn't his.

You deserve somebody that does know that you AND DD are right for them, so I think you've done the right thing.

I wish I had your balls!

Well done OP.

He was absolutely stringing you along....I would think because he was hedging his bets.

You have made thhe right call.

Don't waste another minute second guessing yourself.

He is NOT trustworthy.

Very best of luck going forward.

You are absolutely right to call it off.

Not because it’s “wrong” not to want to move in, but because he clearly doesn’t want this, and is stringing you along. You want different things.

Absolutely do not waver on this one!

He may well mean to move in with you eventually, but if the timeline is not working for you, then you absolutely are doing the right thing to move on. Also, I'm not convinced - I get why he wouldn't want to mov tin after 5 minutes, but 2 years is quite a long time for people in their 30s. If he's not committed by now, he's not likely to change. I'm not sure I can think of anyone who took as long as this to move in at this age.

It may be that he's not ready to be a step dad. which is perfectly reasonable. But you have the right to say that doesn't work for you and move on.

@totalitarian

You are still both relatively young. My oh and I were together a lot longer than you and he took years to show that level of commitment. He did eventually. And here we are fifteen years later.

If you love each other, trust him, and the commitment is there-albeit maybe a bit further off into the future, it's worth being patient. Guys sometimes don't like it if they feel they are being pressured into something.

If it's a gut feeling that he's never going to commit, then sadly, you are best breaking things off now. Only you can tell

Sadly, I've seen far too many instances where a woman has stuck with a bloke who won't commit, and most of the time they spend years together and when it's nearly too late (or even sometimes it is too late) for the woman to have kids, the bloke has fucked off and quickly married someone else and had kids with them.

The majority of blokes will commit pretty quickly if they think they're with the right person. Someone hanging around for years either doesn't want to commit to anyone, or doesn't want to commit to the person they're with.

I'd advise anyone to move on if after 2 years there isn't even a hint of permanently living together, or a proper discussion with definite timelines (none of this "maybe someday" crap).