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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and offended on DS' behalf?

35 replies

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 20/07/2020 08:30

For background, there are about 15 kids in DS' class at school (rural primary), but he is close friends with 3 other kids. They go to summer school together, and usually if there's a group activity organised by me or one of the other 3's parents all 4 kids will be included.
On Friday DS came home from summer school all excited and nagging me to check my messages from his friend's mum as this boy (I'll call him Jack) was having a barbecue on Saturday for his birthday and there should be a invitation. I checked and there weren't any messages. It turned out Jack wasn't at school on Friday and DS had heard about the BBQ from one of his other friends, who apparently had been invited. I didnt know it was Jack's birthday so assumed that the other child must have misunderstood and he was just having a BBQ at home with his family.

Except of course there was a party, for Jack and the other 2 only; the photos are on FB this morning labelled "Jack and his besties" and "the happy trio" and things like that.

I am a bit shocked as I always considered Jack one of DS' best friends and if the situations were reversed I would have invited him without even thinking. DS hasn't fallen out with Jack in any way and I can't think of anything I've done wrong either. The only explanation I can think of is that since I've started working full time again I don't see so much of the other parents; I no longer do the school pick up, for example. But surely this doesn't affect the fact that our kids are friends? DS is confused and upset as he now knows from the others that there was a party and he wasn't invited.
DH thinks we should get Jack a belated present to underline that he and DS are still friends and leave it at that. I'm not sure what else I can reasonably do but I still feel unaccountably hurt by the matter. Am I being over-sensitive?

OP posts:

OryxNotCrake · 20/07/2020 08:42

Yes, you are. You need to explain to your DS that sometimes he won’t be included. It’s not nice but Jack can invite whoever he wants to his party. Maybe they were keeping numbers low due to covid/social distancing?

Under no circumstances do what your DH is suggesting and send what amounts to a passive aggressive present. You are the adults here! Just leave it. Your DS will likely have forgotten all about it by September anyway. Look at it as a lesson in resilience.

Rainbow12e · 20/07/2020 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2020 08:48

Oryx you're missing the point - absolutely no child can be expected to be invited to everyone's party, but that's not what happened.

This is one of his close friends - there are 4 that are friendly and only OP's DS was left out.

OP you have my sympathies. This is really hard. I don't think there's anything you can do tho (I wouldn't get a present) and I agree that it's linked with you working FT. They don't see you at the school gate & probably without thinking, leave out DS. It's been my experience at times too.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2020 08:48

Oryx you're missing the point - absolutely no child can be expected to be invited to everyone's party, but that's not what happened.

This is one of his close friends - there are 4 that are friendly and only OP's DS was left out.

ChessIsASport · 20/07/2020 08:49

That seems very unkind. Could it be to do with numbers? They couldn’t have more than six people under the coronavirus rules.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/07/2020 08:49

Actually I think that is really hurtful. I end up doing full class parties because I hate to think of the children who get left out. I think when they are often in that small friendship group together it is even worse to leave your son out. It sounds like a small class with limited other options. Just have to cling on till big school. Maybe invite the whole group round to yours one day over the summer.

DamitJanet · 20/07/2020 08:50

My guess it’d be it was for social distancing reasons. Up to six from different households would be the three kids plus a parent each?

AlwaysCheddar · 20/07/2020 08:50

How old is your dc?

Original poster

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 20/07/2020 08:51

Just to add (I didn't think of it before) that we're not in UK and where we are social distancing measures are now much looser - there are no rules on how many people you can have round to your house, for example.

OP posts:

bonjonbovi · 20/07/2020 08:52

It’ll eat away at you - personally I’d message asking what happened to DS’s invite.

Original poster

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 20/07/2020 08:52

The kids are all 7/8.

OP posts:

ButterflyWitch · 20/07/2020 08:58

OP you have my sympathy and YANBU to be upset about it. I don't know what the solution is, I don't think I'd buy a gift or raise it with the parents, but I would start stepping back from activities with them. Try to extend his social circle? And def take this as an opportunity to build his resilience, have conversations around events like this happening and how to process emotions?

mintich · 20/07/2020 09:00

That's really hurtful. I would probably ask his mother what happened

ButterflyWitch · 20/07/2020 09:02

I might be tempted to message the parent along the lines of 'I heard jack had a party at the weekend, just wanted to check the boys haven't fallen out as DS wasn't invited? I understand if they've just grown apart but would hate to think there's been an argument I'm unaware of'? (Maybe not the best wording but you get my gist?)

Zoeyclash · 20/07/2020 09:10

I'm with you OP. I agree that I'd find that hurtful. I agree with @ButterflyWitch's idea.

thaegumathteth · 20/07/2020 09:14

God don't message the parent , absolutely not.

It's shit but that's life unfortunately - I'd probably invite jack and the other two around for a play.

thethoughtfox · 20/07/2020 09:23

It's probably Covid. Isn't it the rule that it can't be more than 3 separate households?

iamaMused · 20/07/2020 09:26

Op, I'am sending you and your son my sympathies, first time your child is excluded and you see the look of hurt in their eyes is excruciating, I just live with the words "it says more about them than you" running through your head, it's happened to my child on occasions and I have ensued that I have never knowingly omitted any child but I realise that not everyone is like me, I don't want to be frivolous by saying this is life get used to it but I genuinely found that this attitude hurt my child less, I explained that not all adults are as thoughtful as they should be. My son is 19 now and I could write a book about the perils of 21st century parenting which is hard when you are an empathetic person

SeasonFinale · 20/07/2020 09:27

Absolutely do not message. Even if your DS considers Jack one of his best friends it does not automatically follow that Jack considers your DS one of his best friends. Perhaps when they are all together Jack feels excluded in the foursome. Perhaps there was a numbers limit with family and friends and friends from other clubs invited and your DS didn't make the cut. If he has got to 7/8 and this is the first time then he has done pretty good so far.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/07/2020 09:29

Its tough and I too would be heartbroken for my child.

Sadly, kids friendships come and go. It could be that this boy and yours don't get along as well as they did before. Maybe Jack feels that your son tends to want to be the centre of attention and wanted to be the one in his birthday. Maybe his mum talked to him about not excluding friends but Jack begged her and she now feels very awkward.

I personally would discuss it with the mum because if indeed her ds doesn't feel close to your DS any longer, it would be better for you to be able to have that discussion with him. You can decide whether his reasons are fair enough or not.

Sunnyrainshowers · 20/07/2020 09:39

Sympathy op, it's an awful feeling being left out. I'm not sure what I'd do, depends on how much of a friendship you have with the mum. I wouldn't buy a present, it's guaranteed to be awkward then

olympicsrock · 20/07/2020 09:41

It was probably COVID related. Sad but try not to read more into it. Just reassure DS that Jack is still his friend but remember that Jack’s mother is a cow ...

HouchinBawbags · 20/07/2020 09:49

I'm almost 40 and no matter what anyone says, if my small group of friends had a get together with me excluded it would be very upsetting and insulting. It's no different for a child. As OP says, the social distancing limited numbers don't apply in her country so that's no excuse. It was mean.

OP, don't be buying any presents and please do encourage your DS to get a different set of pals. I'm not sure if I would bother sending the mum a PA message. It's tempting to send a "Have the boys fallen out?" type message, but it'll probably just end up getting discussed with the party kids mums. She knows she excluded your boy (and you). If she was concerned about feelings she wouldn't have done.

AdobeWanKenobi · 20/07/2020 09:54

@thethoughtfox

It's probably Covid. Isn't it the rule that it can't be more than 3 separate households?

It’s probably not. She’s already stated in this rather short thread that she’s not in the uk.

mintich · 20/07/2020 12:36

It's also odd to put photos on Facebook if she was trying to hide it from you. Did she want you to see them or just didn't think?

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