To be hurt and offended on DS' behalf?

[leaveitaloneforgodssake]

For background, there are about 15 kids in DS' class at school (rural primary), but he is close friends with 3 other kids. They go to summer school together, and usually if there's a group activity organised by me or one of the other 3's parents all 4 kids will be included.
On Friday DS came home from summer school all excited and nagging me to check my messages from his friend's mum as this boy (I'll call him Jack) was having a barbecue on Saturday for his birthday and there should be a invitation. I checked and there weren't any messages. It turned out Jack wasn't at school on Friday and DS had heard about the BBQ from one of his other friends, who apparently had been invited. I didnt know it was Jack's birthday so assumed that the other child must have misunderstood and he was just having a BBQ at home with his family.

Except of course there was a party, for Jack and the other 2 only; the photos are on FB this morning labelled "Jack and his besties" and "the happy trio" and things like that.

I am a bit shocked as I always considered Jack one of DS' best friends and if the situations were reversed I would have invited him without even thinking. DS hasn't fallen out with Jack in any way and I can't think of anything I've done wrong either. The only explanation I can think of is that since I've started working full time again I don't see so much of the other parents; I no longer do the school pick up, for example. But surely this doesn't affect the fact that our kids are friends? DS is confused and upset as he now knows from the others that there was a party and he wasn't invited.
DH thinks we should get Jack a belated present to underline that he and DS are still friends and leave it at that. I'm not sure what else I can reasonably do but I still feel unaccountably hurt by the matter. Am I being over-sensitive?

That is awful.

I wouldn't advise contacting the parent or buying a present, just forget about it.

I have 2 boys aged 9 and 11, this happens and it hurts like hell, but you have to model to your son how to deal with it in a calm and resilient way with no drama, they are kids and friendships ebb and flow.

I can't abide parents who post that crap on sm though, that is cruel.

Unfortunately I have seen this a lot when I worked in schools. Sometimes one child considers another his closest friend, but the other child doesn't feel the same way.

Of course it could also be that the parents are close to the other two parents and made the decision based on that and having to socialise. As much as it sucks, I have also seen kids excluded because their parents are never at the school gates and so don't develop the parental friendships that dictate a lot of these invitations. They are still just about at the age where the parents decide who comes

op i think you're taking this far far too personally.

maybe they only said to invite a closest friend, and their kid begged for a second friend only. maybe they just thought it was easier logistically to invite the ones at the school gate verbally. maybe friendships wax and wane. maybe your DS thinks they're closer than they really are.

who knows?

the reality is that your son shouldn't be taking it personally if he expects (but doesn't receive) an invitation, no one owes him it.

if he is hurt by it, i recommend you funnel his feeling elsewhere. is there a new friend he could make at some activity or within the neighbourhood, etc?

divert to other things, basically, stop dwelling on person X not doing what you expected. or else you're teaching your child to have a lifetime of being disappointed.

(i remember having similar as a child - had a couple of friends who lived opposite and there was constant conflict if i invited a school friend over without them... it's not that i didn't like neighbour's kids, but i wanted the abiltity to choose my own friends from school sometimes.. just like an adult going for coffee with friend A isn't neccesarily a slight on friend B... your expectations triggered my feeling of being suffocated by friend expectations from years ago!

YANBU, that was bloody mean. You mention you're working again, are the others SAHPs? Hope that's not the reason.

It would be so hard on me to be the bigger person when it comes to your own son's birthday.

I remember this happened to me at that age too. It's sad that I still remember 30+ years later.

ah your poor son, that's a shitty. Obviously no one can be invited to all of the parties but it's different where there's a small friendship group and only one is excluded

Urgh... that feeling when you see on social media WHAT FUN they all had... without you. It sucks.

YANBU I would completely feel the same. It’s hard as well as you also then doubt yourself - has there been a fall out you’ve missed, have I offended the mum etc etc.

Sit on your feelings and just go with what your DS says and does about it - if anything. Be there for him if he wants to talk about it and “I don’t know” is a perfectly acceptable answer if he says “mum why didn’t they want me there?”

As an aside, I’d be casting a secret plague on all their houses, and hate-browsing FB but that’s just me

YANBU OP.

Awful behaviour from Jack's mother putting that on FB, you would almost think it had to be deliberate. You will definitely feel better about this in a day or two, agree with a PP that thinking of it saying more about them than you is a good strategy. You know you would never in a million years leave one of the 4 out. I am another who has had whole class parties for my younger children for years to avoid anyone feeling left out (saved by CV this year!)

Unbearably rude. Limit numbers for sure but don't blast it all over Facebook. So tacky.

I'd be tempted to text: pls when organising parties can you ask the kids to keep it on the down-low as it's a PITA having to deal with the fallout. Cheers.

We have boys and have had similar situations happen. It does hurt but some parents are like this unfortunately. There is only one school mum I'd consider a friend now, I've learnt not to take it to heart. It's not yours or your childs fault.

I def. wouldn't be buying a present x

We always had the rule that if you're having a party and want to invite school friends, you don't leave one kid out. It's incredibly rude and creates an awkward situation for everyone involved.

I'm sorry your son was left out and I really don't know why parents have to act like this. It's teaching their kids an awful lesson.