'AIBU' to have a new born in a house with smokers?

[newbornsmoke]

Not really a 'AIBU' but didn't know where else to post it

Please don’t tell me that I’m stupid for being pregnant and in this situation, I’m aware it isn’t great but obviously didn’t plan for this to happen. Basically please don’t make me feel anymore shit than I already do.
Please don’t tell me about second or third hand smoke or SIDS as I’ve read it all already. I’ve researched as much as I can to show my family members thinking it would help, I didn’t.
Also can’t go to the council as I haven’t lived in the area long enough. It needs to be two years and I’ve been here just under a year. Plus the chances of them housing us is low anyway.

So.....
I’m currently pregnant and have a 4 year old. My relationship broke down 3 months ago so moved out to a family members house as I couldn’t afford my own place. But they smoke in the house. Before I moved in they agreed to stop smoking in the house but that lasted about a week. Since then I have asked them so many times to stop but they don’t. Their reasoning is it’s their house they can do what they want. Which is fair enough but it’s not like it’s one or two a day, it’s more than 20 and the whole house smells of smoke. The house is three floors so my son and I stay on our floor at the top with our doors shut all the time, away from the initial smoke but can’t avoid the smell. Or the third hand smoke as the smell is on everything. And obviously can’t avoid the smoke when I have to go downstairs.

My plan at first was to stay there until my baby is around 1 to save and then move. But because of the smoking my dad gave me money for a deposit to rent a flat. Which is amazing but because of my low income I will have to apply for universal credit which everyone says no to. I’ve literally called 20 estate agents today and yesterday and they all said no. I even call the ones that say no on the ad just to make sure. I look at every website I possibly can hourly to see if anything comes up that accepts ‘dss’ but there’s nothing in the area I want. I want to stay in the same area because of my sons school, which is one of the reasons I moved into this family members house and not someone else’s.

Anyway because I only have 6 weeks until my due date and finding a flat doesn’t look promising how messed up would it be if I stayed in the house with the smoking with a new born? I really don’t want to, in fact I think I’m a awful mother for even having one kid in the house let alone two. And I fee bad for even thinking this is an option but it seems like the only option as I’m running out of time. I’m really stressed out, my mental health is taking a bit hit at the moment. What should I do? 😔

I don't have advice but just wanted to say you are not an awful mother. The family member, however, is both selfish and disgusting. Hope you find an answer soon.

It's not ideal OP, but it's not the worst thing ever. When I was born, there were 4 cigarette smokers and a pipe smoker in the house we lived.

I'm so sorry to hear your situation, how awful for your son! Is there a way you could go to the council in the area you originally lived?

There is a rule now that they can’t say no to ‘dss’

• It’s discrimination

Also, don’t volunteer that information. I never did and I’ve never had a problem. They don’t need to know and the money goes to you!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/education-53391516

It's not ideal, but you can only do what you can do. Despite what some pearl clutches may have you believe, your baby is not going to drop dead at the puff of a ciggerate. If that was true the human race would've died off in the 70's.

Op sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation. From your post it sounds like you absolutely want the best you can for your children so you are not an awful mother! What would the council do if you had no relatives to house you? Would they find you something in another area- what would the say about DS school?
If there is absolutely no way the council will house you even knowing you have a DS and one on the way then I would plan to have the baby there and keep phoning and trying to find somewhere - just keep going until I got lucky. In the mean time I would air the top floor as much as possible when baby arrives and wrap baby up. Luckily it will still be fairly warm when you first have your baby. I just think I would be trying all avenues to find somewhere else to rent

Its better your kids have a roof over their head.
Its better you save to get a place that is more secure and long term over short term, shitty leases that boot you after 3 months, leaving no room to save
I really favor not changing schools much if the kid is happy, i did as a kid, hated it, struggled to make friends. So to me its better your ds stays at a school he settled in if thats an option, which it is where you are now it seems

A generation of kids grew up with parents smoking over our beds, we survived
Your not a bad mother, your doing the best you can with the hand you dealt

No one is going to have a pop at you. You’re doing what you have to.

Your family member is an interesting commodity on hand they’re letting you stay there OTOH they are selfish fuckers smoking around a baby and a child. If they want to inhale their lungs with toxins that’s their lookout, but why do children and non smokers have to suffer for it.

@Realitea

There is a rule now that they can’t say no to ‘dss’

• It’s discrimination

Also, don’t volunteer that information. I never did and I’ve never had a problem. They don’t need to know and the money goes to you!

Yeah I saw that news article but guess they're ignoring it. I actually found somewhere that's perfect but waiting to call them in the morning. If I say nothing and still view the place what happens when they ask for proof of income and realise I don't make enough to afford the rent? Aren't they instantly going to say no?

OP I'm really against smoking but you are doing what you need to do, keeping a roof over your head.
It used to be very common to smoke in houses and cars with dc in them.
The no benefits thing will take a while to filter through ( if it does) because many landlords will have mortgage and insurance companies who currently don't allow them to take on people on benefits.
There will be landlords who do accept you.
If landlords or agents run a credit check your financial status will become clear so you could be wasting your time not telling them.
It depends on the agents/landlords.

Is there no other family you can stay with at all?

It sounds like things will be pretty miserable where you are, with you, your baby and your ds stuck in the same room avoiding the smoke for a year.

You're not a bad mum. In fact you sound like a great mum.
You're over-egging the smoking issue. It is their house, their rules, they are engaging in a perfectly legal activity and you chose to live there. You were probably grateful. You have no right to ask them to change to suit you.

You're on the third floor. The chances of passive smoking affecting your child are effectively nil. The square root of fuck all. Don't jeopardise what is really at issue, like homelessness or poverty, because of a theoretical mathematical risk.

Old habits die hard. Maybe make a deal with them, that you are willing to support them in something also if they could smoke outside? Offer to be flexible and supportive if they could possibly reconsider

Will you get child maintenance support from the father of the baby?

If your oldest is 4 are they even in school yet, or are you talking about the school they would be going into? If they are not at school and you would have more options for housing somewhere else I would definitely think about moving to another area and have them start school there. If you really didn’t want to do this you said you had the option of staying with someone else could you go and stay with them temporarily until the schools restarted then move back, at least that would give you and your 4 year old a break away from the smokiness for a while.

@9PointsOnMyLicence

You're not a bad mum. In fact you sound like a great mum. You're over-egging the smoking issue. It is their house, their rules, they are engaging in a perfectly legal activity and you chose to live there. You were probably grateful. You have no right to ask them to change to suit you.

You're on the third floor. The chances of passive smoking affecting your child are effectively nil. The square root of fuck all. Don't jeopardise what is really at issue, like homelessness or poverty, because of a theoretical mathematical risk.

I guess you're right about my son passive smoking if we spend 90% of our time upstairs but we do have to go downstairs eventually. And it's not like when we do they stop smoking, well actually one does but the other actually comes to talk to us basically blowing smoke in our face. I've told her about not doing it but she doesn't listen (and says something along the lines of 'i smoked around my kids and they've all turned out fine'). My son likes to help me cock or hang out in the kitchen with me when I cook so he's breathing it in then. And then when the baby comes he will be too. Plus like the previous person said, it is pretty miserable stuck on one floor, hence my mental health being rubbish at the moment. My son doesn't like not being allowed go downstairs especially when at his dads he can move around freely. I can't do it for a year.

@Horehound

Will you get child maintenance support from the father of the baby?

Yeah we've already talked about that. He even said he'll give me a little more when/if I move into my own place.

Have you asked on your local Facebook selling group? I see a lot of posts on there asking if anyone knows of any houses in x area willing to accept DSS for x adults x kids and x pets. Most of them get answers pretty quick from landlords whose tenants are just about to move out.

couldn't you move back in with the father of the children, at least until you can find something suitable.
surely he is concerned about his children's health.
i disagree with pp saying it was common in the past=no harm.
how do we know, that those children did not grow up to have more risk of cardio-vascular disease, hypertension, respiratory etc problems.
i think the school place is less important compared with health.

Have you looked into getting an air purifier? Years ago, when the tide started turning in smoking, many people in offices who did not like smoke, would have an air purifier on their desk These were also recommended for kids who had asthma and stubborn patents who smoked. Could help in the short term until you move

homeairguides.com/how-air-purifiers/smoke/best-air-purifier-for-cigarette-smoke-cigar-odor/

I would keep looking for somewhere else to live. You aren't a bad mother at all, you are doing the best that can under the circumstances that you find yourself in. It's all that anyone can ask of you.

You should try housing associations, they may not have the same rules as the council for housing people. You would definitely be classed as high need in the areas I work. Also try gumtree, that is private owners who may be more likely to let to universal credit. Don't nag your family about smoking, they have been kind enough to offer you a roof over your head so I wouldn't jeopardise that by complaining about smoking. My granny smoked 60 a day from late teens till she was 71 and died at 82 of something unrelated. You sound young, I'm mid forties and when I was young every second or third household had smokers who smoked indoors. Just try to keep baby out of the room whilst they are smoking. You sound like a caring mum, but you still have lots of options.

Yep another vote here for not making yourself homeless/living somewhere absolutely horrendous because of someone smoking cigs.
It’s not socially acceptable anymore, it must stink and there are dangers.
However it’s not forever, anyone born and growing up before the mid 90s was used to this.
You could end up living somewhere undesirable with a crack addict in the next flat for example - in this house your sleeping on a different floor and it’s only cigarette use of people who clearly love you enough to house you a 4 year old and a newborn baby!
If everything else in this house is good I would “shelve” the cigs issue for now and look forward to your lovely little newborn

Agree with the PP who suggested not volunteering the UC information, they don’t need to know where the rent comes from provided it’s paid. You need to move ASAP so if that’s the only way to do it, it has to be done.