'AIBU' to have a new born in a house with smokers?

[newbornsmoke]

Not really a 'AIBU' but didn't know where else to post it

Please don’t tell me that I’m stupid for being pregnant and in this situation, I’m aware it isn’t great but obviously didn’t plan for this to happen. Basically please don’t make me feel anymore shit than I already do.
Please don’t tell me about second or third hand smoke or SIDS as I’ve read it all already. I’ve researched as much as I can to show my family members thinking it would help, I didn’t.
Also can’t go to the council as I haven’t lived in the area long enough. It needs to be two years and I’ve been here just under a year. Plus the chances of them housing us is low anyway.

So.....
I’m currently pregnant and have a 4 year old. My relationship broke down 3 months ago so moved out to a family members house as I couldn’t afford my own place. But they smoke in the house. Before I moved in they agreed to stop smoking in the house but that lasted about a week. Since then I have asked them so many times to stop but they don’t. Their reasoning is it’s their house they can do what they want. Which is fair enough but it’s not like it’s one or two a day, it’s more than 20 and the whole house smells of smoke. The house is three floors so my son and I stay on our floor at the top with our doors shut all the time, away from the initial smoke but can’t avoid the smell. Or the third hand smoke as the smell is on everything. And obviously can’t avoid the smoke when I have to go downstairs.

My plan at first was to stay there until my baby is around 1 to save and then move. But because of the smoking my dad gave me money for a deposit to rent a flat. Which is amazing but because of my low income I will have to apply for universal credit which everyone says no to. I’ve literally called 20 estate agents today and yesterday and they all said no. I even call the ones that say no on the ad just to make sure. I look at every website I possibly can hourly to see if anything comes up that accepts ‘dss’ but there’s nothing in the area I want. I want to stay in the same area because of my sons school, which is one of the reasons I moved into this family members house and not someone else’s.

Anyway because I only have 6 weeks until my due date and finding a flat doesn’t look promising how messed up would it be if I stayed in the house with the smoking with a new born? I really don’t want to, in fact I think I’m a awful mother for even having one kid in the house let alone two. And I fee bad for even thinking this is an option but it seems like the only option as I’m running out of time. I’m really stressed out, my mental health is taking a bit hit at the moment. What should I do? 😔

Do you mean if they ask for proof of income they won’t see the universal credit which would include the amount for housing if you were to move there?
I can’t remember if I was ever asked for proof of income I just had a credit check. If that was failed I’d have been asked for a guarantor.
The Universal credit would cover it unless it’s way over the local authority housing allowance
Have you checked what you’d be entitled to? There’s a website that checks
www.entitledto.co.uk

I know it's easy to say but try not to worry. I grew up with 3 smokers in the house and my mum smoked in all her pregnancies (70s and 80s) and have no health issues.
In an ideal world your children wouldn't be exposed to smoke but at least they have a roof over their heads and a loving mum. That's two really important things.
Hopefully you can move out in a year or so.

Do you work? I only ask because I was in a similar situation with my first and got around the No benefits thing by being in work so I phrased it like I work full time but I got a small top up just to help with childcare.

@alexdgr8

couldn't you move back in with the father of the children, at least until you can find something suitable. surely he is concerned about his children's health. i disagree with pp saying it was common in the past=no harm. how do we know, that those children did not grow up to have more risk of cardio-vascular disease, hypertension, respiratory etc problems. i think the school place is less important compared with health.

They broke up 3 months ago, id say that isnt wise for the OP We dont know why they broke up, could be abuse, we dont know. A smoking house is better than one with tension and possible abuse or no house at all. I know, i am a kid who grew up in a smokey haze, health wise im fine unless you could blame my seafood allergy on it A few generations grew up in smoking houses, do you see a mass die off? No one says is ideal but being homeless is MUCH worse

School hopping and being dragged out from ones i did do ok in harmed me much more long term. I got so far behind, bullied, found it hard to make friends, why bother if id leave, i never graduated, never found my place at school

I don't think it helps to tell the OP that they all grew up fine living in a amoking house. It isn't always true. I won't expand on that as the OP asked us not to talk about it.

But your children need somewhere to live. You are doing the best that you can. Open windows as much as you can and limit them being in smoky rooms as much as you can. I would see if you can avoid mentioning you are DSS. If you look via open room or gumtree a lot of the private landlords aren't as worried.

I rent and had no credit check and they didn't even ask for financial information, just references. It has been the same in every place I have rented. I won't lie, the places aren't as nice as the ones you can get via agents, but they aren't falling apart or dangerous. You could always try that tack as well if you aren't already.

Council should also have a list of landlords who accept benefit tenants. Ours does.

In non Covid times I would turn up, bags in hand at council offices at 9am and say you’re homeless. You’re pregnant with a child. They have to house you that day.

I am not sure how this would work under current conditions, but if not possible, then please don’t ask rental agents and landlords ahead about UC /DSS. Do you have any savings for a rental payments in advance? That could be a fail safe once they agree to let and ask questions. Is your credit good? Would UC deem the rents too expensive on the places you are looking at?

When I was looking at privately renting and on universal credit I didn't mention it until I'd gone for a viewing. As awful as it sounds, once they'd seen me and my children they generally were a lot more receptive to working something out. Presumably because I didn't look like a 'nightmare tenant' or some other stereotypical rubbish. So no, I wouldn't mention it tomorrow until you've had a viewing. Also bear in mind that universal credit is income and if they start wittering about it not being secure point out that it is just as secure as a job that anyone could be fired or made redundant from.

I also would try talking to your council and explaining the situation-you haven't moved to the area last week, you do have an established amount of time there and connections to the local area such as your child's school. Plus you're in a house that is unhealthy for you and your kids and (if I've read correctly) have one shared room for you and tour 4 year old (not appropriate) plus shared facilities such as kitchen. If they can't put you on the list they should at least advise what else you can do and point you in the direction of landlords who will rent to people in your situation.

Finally Shelter can be a fantastic source of information and support, look on their website for contact details.

Sorry just to add-the 'not appropriate' in regards to sharing with a 4 year old isn't a judgement on my part (my four year old might as well share my room the amount of time he spends in my bed!) However it would be viewed as inappropriate in official housing terms. Sharing with the new baby would be fine but I believe they still have to count it as another person needing a room even if they're in with you. So if the baby is opposite sex to your 4 year old then I think you should be entitled to a 3 bedroom house which would either be reflected in the houses you're allowed to bid on on a council list and/or the amount of local housing allowance you'd be entitled to

@MollyBloomYes

Sorry just to add-the 'not appropriate' in regards to sharing with a 4 year old isn't a judgement on my part (my four year old might as well share my room the amount of time he spends in my bed!) However it would be viewed as inappropriate in official housing terms. Sharing with the new baby would be fine but I believe they still have to count it as another person needing a room even if they're in with you. So if the baby is opposite sex to your 4 year old then I think you should be entitled to a 3 bedroom house which would either be reflected in the houses you're allowed to bid on on a council list and/or the amount of local housing allowance you'd be entitled to

That rule doesn’t apply regarding opposite sex until one child hits 9 years old.

Council won’t care on sharing a room with 4yr old and baby per say. They house larger families in 1 room bedsits.

You should get on council housing list ASAP though OP. Good luck

You’re definitely not a bad mother - you’re doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. My mum smoked, and I haven’t suffered negative health effects.

I’m a landlord, and don’t have an issue with accepting UC. My general suggestion is that any landlord who discriminates in that way (or tries to, given the new ruling) isn’t someone you want to have in charge of your housing. It’s absolutely okay to wait a few months, but I hope (for your stress levels) that perfect property works out.

The question was AIBU. I think yes, you are. I hope you will sort your situation and get à stable home before having more kids. Sorry.

You're not a bad mum but your family are horrible selfish idiots! I'm sorry you have to deal with this and hope you get out soon

@pokehuman
Ah sorry. I wasn't entirely sure as I know it varies from council to council. My children are both the same sex so it wasn't on my radar. I'm in a council place now and have been informed they'll have to share until they're 18, which they'd just changed (was previously 16).