To still be upset with my friend two months after she took me coming out as bi badly?

[unstableunicorn]

This is long, sorry for the essay!

I told one of my closest and oldest friends that I'm bi, it might sound silly but I really was nervous about it and she was one of the first people I told. It went really badly, she made the entire thing about herself - apparently she feels betrayed I 'kept this secret from her', was offended that she wasn't absolute first to know (I told her my friends from uni knew, I was openly out when at uni as no one there knew me), and said a lot of hurtful stuff - nothing ought homophobic but things like how 'she's traditional', comparing it to her secretly dating her first boyfriend etc. I even ended up apologising for making her feel bad. Oh god the sheer stupidity of some of the stuff said, my blood's boiling just thinking about it...

We met again after a week and she refused to understand why I was upset, called me aggressive, emotionally manipulative and an emotion enforcer because I told her how distressing it was, it didn't go well. Some time later she apologised with literally 'I'm sorry, hollyoaks has shown me the light'. Wtf? In some episode one character slept with his girlfriends mum which showed her 'love has no boundaries', which to me seemed irritating and problematic. Then she got defensive and passively aggressively deflected her apology onto my past mistakes bringing up irrelevant things like me forgetting her birthday once as if it's on the same level.

Anyway since then, in her eyes she apologised so the matter is shut and any remaining resentment is me having issues. However I've been either distant or snappy with her since, I can't seem to get over it ( the smallest things she says infuriate me) which she's annoyed about. She thinks I'm being unreasonable, I don't think I am but can't tell anymore. Is this something to potentially lose a very close old friend over? Or at least still be upset over two months later?

So she's gaslighting you?

Why do you want to be friends with someone like that?

Is this a good relationship that's a positive force in your life? Or just one that's been there a long time?

And what is an "emotion enforcer" when it's at home?

In this context, describing oneself as "traditional" means homophobic, doesn't it? I can't figure out what else it would mean.

Yeah, definitely gaslighting. Its difficult because to anyone else I'd say drop the friend. But we've been really close friends since childhood, and seen each other through some difficult times so just cutting her out doesn't seem right

@user14234675325678 haha its such a ridiculous expression. It supposedly means I'm enforcing her emotions by expecting her not to make everything about her

Usually a positive force, there's ups and downs. Although honestly lately more downs

I think there are unfortunately some things that can completely sour even a long standing friendship.

I had a similar problem last year with a friend who made what I felt was an unforgivable comment (and a big scene to boot) on a very emotionally difficult day. She eventually apologised - after initially claiming no wrong doing - and I tried to/wanted to forgive her because we’d been friends for 10+ years and been through a lot together... but I ended up angry and irritated whenever she messaged me, especially because everything was always about her and she was always the victim in any situation.

The friendship limped on for a few months but the end she blew up at me saying I didn’t value our friendship enough... as well as including a few other personal, intentionally hurtful insults. I replied saying I was sorry that I had upset her but that I didn’t think our friendship expectations matched anymore, and we haven’t spoken since.

Honestly, as bad as it sounds... it has been a bit of a relief. I wasn’t able to forgive her and she had already excused herself for what she did, and I think there was no coming back from that on either side.

You say that you've been really close since childhood, but that's not true is it? If it were, she would already know about your sexuality. Is the reason you didn't tell her for so long that you suspected she'd react the way she has?
If I were you, I'd meet up with her and tell her you'd like to talk about what has happened, how her reaction has made you feel, and also to listen to what she feels. After all, she is your friend and even if you choose to not continue that friendship in light of her reaction you may get a better idea of why she has reacted that way.

@Remembering39862 that sounds very similar... I guess sometimes you have to cut your losses

@Soontobe60 I did predict her reaction to an extent, she doesn't really like change and I knew she'd be hurt I didn't tell her earlier. It was the scale of the reaction I didn't expect! I didn't tell anyone, not just her, I spent a good few years trying to figure things out for myself, and didn't want her to see me any differently (which she immediately did). I know how she feels - the entire first day was me trying to reassure her and all about how she felt because I think it's always important to hear out both sides. Now she refuses to talk about it - doesn't want 'negative vibes in her life'. Wouldn't want to bring down her vibe now, can't have that

I think you need a break from eachother for a little while. Shes hurt your feelings with the way she reacted and you need time to forgive that. Did she actually apologise or was it like "well I apologise so get over it"

She's narcissistic, a closet bigot or at the very least ignorant, and to top it all off she's a gaslighting twat.

You do NOT need this person in your life. You have every right to bin her. In fact, please do!

Bin her off.
Seriously, you do not need someone like that in your life. You trusted her with a sensitive part of yourself and she threw it back in your face. She’s quite clearly homophobic/biphobic: even if she apologised profusely and you forgave her, she would still have those views. You deserve better.

Cut and run, OP. Life is too short.

It wasn't really a real apology. Maybe it was intended as one but it was expressed in such a shit way. Honestly I'm kind of disappointed - she's been a gaslighting narcissist, another 'friend' told me that telling anyone is unnecessary since I can pass as straight and that being bi isn't as valid as being a lesbian, another friend announced that she's tired of men and is 'ready to become gay too because she's always wanted a lesbian romance' honestly I only ever mentioned it very casually so I wasn't expecting/ wanting huge supportive shows, it's not a big deal so no reaction would've been fine, I'm not looking for attention. But most people have left me feeling that I just shouldn't bother ever mentioning it and consciously hide it

Sorry, don't mean to go off. It's not a big deal, just getting to me today

She sounds a very silly person. Are you sure you haven't outgrown her anyway?

She’s not a friend worth having

I came out to my best friend, and was worried she would react like your friend and think I’d kept this huge secret from her. We’d shared a bed before (totally platonically!) so I was worried she’d think badly of me.

She was totally fine with it, supportive without making a huge deal of it. As was everyone else I told to be honest!

Your friend is ridiculous, making it about herself and her reaction rather than supporting you or just accepting it and moving on.

I am bi. If anyone reacted like that to me telling them, they would no longer be my friend. No ifs, ands or buts.

@unstableunicorn

It wasn't really a real apology. Maybe it was intended as one but it was expressed in such a shit way. Honestly I'm kind of disappointed - she's been a gaslighting narcissist, another 'friend' told me that telling anyone is unnecessary since I can pass as straight and that being bi isn't as valid as being a lesbian, another friend announced that she's tired of men and is 'ready to become gay too because she's always wanted a lesbian romance' honestly I only ever mentioned it very casually so I wasn't expecting/ wanting huge supportive shows, it's not a big deal so no reaction would've been fine, I'm not looking for attention. But most people have left me feeling that I just shouldn't bother ever mentioning it and consciously hide it

Sorry, missed this post. You seem to have a terrible circle of friends! I offhandedly "came out" to my circle of friends on holiday and tbh I can't remember exactly how it went because it was fairly non-eventful - think it was just an "oh, cool! I didn't know that about you" type of thing. No big deal, because it isn't.

With other friends, I've never hidden it and I've mentioned it in passing a few times, but again - never a big deal.

I don’t know how I would react if my friend of donkey years came out as bi. Probably denial and anger would be quite high on the list.

People react to certain news / changes in a different way. 💐
You are allowed to feel hurt, but as she said, she has a more traditional background, she might just need more time to digest this news.

I think when you’ve been friends with someone a long time sometimes you feel like you have to stay friends with them “because you have such a long friendship”.

It’s OK to decide not to be friends with someone any more. She sounds draining and certainly doesn’t add anything to your life - it’s one thing to maybe react poorly to big news, but to then double down and not apologise for the reaction and to even turn it around and blame you... that’s unforgivable and I would be cutting the friendship.

I know it’s hard - my brother and I did similar about 5 years ago now, we cut off friendship with someone we’d literally known 30 years because we realised the only reason we were still “friends” is because of the amount of time we’d known each other - they really weren’t someone we wanted to spend time with and were immensely hard work, so we quietly made the decision to stop making the effort and they dropped out of our lives.

It is really sad but sometimes friendships don't fit forever. This doesn't sound a good friend for you now.

To the poster above who said they might react with 'denial and anger', I honestly don't understand what needs to be denied and what there is to be angry about.

I think if a long term friend came out to me and said people already knew for ages I’d have a knee jerk, private reaction of a little bit of upset that our friendship wasn’t strong enough for them to feel like they could open up to me sooner. But then I’d give my head a wobble, remind myself sternly that this isn’t about me, and never let on to my friend that I felt that way, even for a second.

The fact she thinks Hollyoaks is some sort of beacon to live your life by shows she’s an immature idiot.

Just reading about her is exhausting OP.

Shes silly, immature unempathetic and completely stupid. She has made this completely about her - first by concentrating completely on her own feelings when you told her (which are way over the top, how on earth can she think who you sleep with is something she has some sort of right to know!?) And now by completely dismissing the consequences of her batshit behaviour.

If she had something major going on in her life and was struggling and this behaviour is a one off I'd maybe try and get past it, but if this is actually her, then good riddance