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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL wedding

33 replies

Gin4thewin · 19/07/2020 21:04

BIL1 is getting married next year at a very popular tourist location, in summer holidays so that alone will cost us, i wont be able to get two lots of AL so itll either be doubled up as our summer holiday, which is not happening, or DP and i drive up without DC and drive home again the same night or other variation that will be a pain in the arse one way or another

the stag will be abroad, dp doesnt have a passport so will have the cost of that, the holiday, spending money, ill have to try and get time off work on top of trying to work out how well afford/manage the wedding on top. Neither BIL1 or his friends who will also be going have children, we do, so the thought of not having X amount of money to drink and piss down the drain is alien to them.

I feel shit that DP is unlikely to be able to go but ive not gone to at least 3 Hens in the last few years for the same reason, one being abroad and one was a Uk break

OP posts:
IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 19/07/2020 22:17

Well known Mumsnet advice - it is an invitation - not a summons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2020 22:20

You’re clear you can’t go. Decline, send a present and card.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/07/2020 22:21

How far away is the wedding?
I dont think it's fair DH goes on an abroad stag when you've refused three hens because you couldn't afford it.

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2020 22:24

What is the unreasonable part?

Is it that your DP wants to go regardless?

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2020 22:26

I dont think it's fair DH goes on an abroad stag when you've refused three hens because you couldn't afford it.

Unless any of the hen dos were her sisters, it’s not quite the same situation. That’s not to say that the dp should go if they really can’t afford it. The op shouldn’t feel bad about that. Presumably he’ll go to the wedding though which is the most important thing.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 19/07/2020 22:30

I understand your DH not going to the stag as you simply cant afford it however why cant he go the wedding? Cant he share the costs with another family member so he can attend? I wouldnt be missing my sisters weddings..

Boringnamechanging · 19/07/2020 22:30

If you can't afford both then dh has a conversation he needs to have with his brother. I can't afford both so would you rather I come to the stag or the wedding?

NailsNeedDoing · 19/07/2020 22:37

It doesn’t sound like your dp can’t reasonably go on the stag, but if the wedding is somewhere that it’s possible to drive to, I can’t see why you wouldn’t make the effort for that.

Josette77 · 19/07/2020 22:38

I think he declines the stag but goes for the wedding.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/07/2020 22:47

It’s your DH’s brother’s wedding - at the very least he should go by himself. Your missed hens don’t count unless they were all sisters.

ShyTown · 19/07/2020 22:56

Your DH, at a minimum, needs to find a way to be at his brother’s wedding. Surely it can’t be that difficult for all of you to go if it’s within driving distance? Get a hotel for one night, you drive home afterwards, he goes solo and shares a room with one of the single friends, there are options and you need to figure something out. The stag do, if you really can’t afford it then you can’t afford but he shouldn’t have to default decline the invite because you declined some hens, unless they were your sisters’. Even if it’s hassle, you make the effort for close family.

CatSmize · 19/07/2020 22:59

It's his brother's wedding! Of course he should go. Why do you need AL if it's driveable? And why do you need to take more AL for the stag do?

Tbh, it sounds like you're making an awful lot of excuses and you just don't want to go. Maybe let you DP go alone so he can actually enjoy it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Gin4thewin · 19/07/2020 23:16

Oh wed go to the wedding, theres no doubt about that, its just the pragmatics of finding accommodation that doesnt cost the earth and wether we take dc or not or just leave early and drive 3+hours home

I know me missing the hens i was invited to dont count as they were not my sisters, ive already made that comparison with myself. Although if roles were reversed, id be saying i cant go also.

Im on set days of work so if dp went to the stag on a friday to monday, id have to take the friday and monday off to care for the 2 children, i work mostly night shifts so i cant ask anyone to have them.

And the day of the wedding id finish early hours of the morning so will also be hanging out my arse if i dont take al but getting any time off in august is damm near impossible in my place of work due to sheer numbers of staff.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 19/07/2020 23:39

Another not sure what you are asking if YABU about.

Why is "it's not happening" the reply to the thought that you might double it up as your Summer holiday?

Is the place he's getting married, where he lives / is from / where she lives / is from ?

hulahooper2 · 20/07/2020 00:20

If it was my brother nothing would make me miss it , assuming the hens you missed were for friends , bet you’d go if it was for your sister

Durgasarrow · 20/07/2020 05:19

If you can't go to the wedding, you can stay home with the kids and then he won't have to worry about baby-sitting and just come home at the end of the day.

Ragwort · 20/07/2020 05:33

What is your DH's view?

Peach1204 · 20/07/2020 06:09

My DH didn't go to my brothers stag do. They got engaged 5 days after us and the wedding was 4 months later. Stag do flights were ridiculous due to rugby being on. Due to us having our own wedding to save for, the price and short time scale to save he didn't go. They did have a local one which he went to. Could your DH suggest organising a local one or he do something with his brother which he can do without impacting your AL?

positivepixie · 20/07/2020 06:41

Your post is all about you, what does DH think as it’s his DB?

Have you looked for a hotel for the wedding, there should be lots of options if it’s a tourist place especially if you book early (now). Is there not a good old Premier Inn if it’s UK?

It’s clear that you don’t want to go for some reason so let DH take the lead on what he wants to do. And if he really wants to go to the stag and is prepared to save to do it then I wouldn’t block it.

OliviaBenson · 20/07/2020 06:55

Neither BIL1 or his friends who will also be going have children, we do, so the thought of not having X amount of money to drink and piss down the drain is alien to them.

Nice comment there Hmm you sound bitter. It's not their fault that you had kids.

Witchcraftandhokum · 20/07/2020 06:59

Damn those irresponsible child-free people!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 20/07/2020 07:01

If you'd need to take leave to look after the children you might as well take it to go to the wedding. What about Airbnb close to the venue?

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/07/2020 07:02

Could you suggest your OH and his brother have another mini stag do more locally on top of his one abroad that your OH could arrange and go on?

I would make an effort for the wedding and stay the night somewhere so you can both have fun and drink!

Nottobesoldseparately · 20/07/2020 07:14

The stag may not even happen, let alone be abroad.
I'm trying to organise a friends hen do for next year. We've decided, due to covid, not to even attempt going abroad. And places here will accept your bookings, but, again due to covid, can not guarantee we will be able to go ahead as they have no idea when restrictions will be lifted.

As for the wedding, get organised, speak to work, save a couple of quid a week, it's over a year away, (and also may not go ahead either).

user1493413286 · 20/07/2020 07:14

To be honest for a siblings wedding I think you go a bit above and beyond even if it is annoying. I can’t think of many places in the U.K. where you can’t find cheap places to stay if you book in advance; even in London you can find cheap rooms in travel inns etc.
I can see why it’s annoying for you but I don’t think it’s up to other people to make their weddings work for you especially if the majority of their friends don’t have children so don’t have the same constraints.

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