Should all grandparents be invited to meet a new baby at the same time?

[namechangedasouting]

Backstory: DC1 was born last year. My mum was there for the birth, as well as DH. After DS was born, my dad came to collect my mum and met DS (quick 5 minute visit). DS arrived late in the evening - first thing the next morning, I suggested DH invite his mum and dad to the hospital (separately as they are divorced) so that they could meet DS. MIL refused as she wanted to meet the baby for the first time with DH's sister who wasn't available. Once SIL arrived home (mid afternoon), she and MIL rang DH every 15 mins asking to visit - at this point it wasn't possible for them to come to the hospital as we were waiting to get discharged. In the end, it took 6 hours to get discharged (!!!) and we didn't get home until past 10pm. The next morning, MIL, SIL and FIL arrived before 8am to visit - we hadn't arranged the time. I found the visit extremely stressful - they stayed several hours, I was in a lot of pain, struggling badly with breastfeeding, hormones dumping hard and operating on zero sleep.

DC2 is due just before Christmas. MIL is asking us to commit to a time to visit around Christmas and I am refusing - DH is supportive. She is kicking off and asking DH to promise that she will meet DC2 at the same time as my parents. Covid dependent, I would like my mum to be a birth partner again (DH is fine with this). If DH agrees to his mum, we are committing to essentially an immediate IL visit which I'd really rather not do. I am happy for ILs to visit in the early days, but I would like it to be at a time which is convenient and comfortable for me, and at our invitation. Am I being horribly controlling/selfish/unreasonable?

No, you sound accommodating to me!!

YANBU!

The behaviour from the in-laws is unreasonable! You can't commit to anything anyway at this point as goodness knows what state we will be in re COVID and visits. The priority of all family, including in-laws should be the health and wellbeing of you and baby! Not stressing you out with unreasonable requests!

Absolutely not. One or two visitors at a time max. Grandparents definitely get priority, but if they are local and it is early days those visits should be at most 20 minutes long. They can always come back the next day for another quick visit.

I’m sorry, but they arrived before 8am the day after you’d got home from giving birth?! That’s nuts. Who would do that? It’s so inappropriate. They clearly have no boundaries so you’ll need to put your own in

When they arrived before 8am, I wouldn't have let them through the door. Your DH needs to tell her that if she is this entitled with 5 months to go then she wont be seeing much of the DC at all.

It's all about them. And just after I've grown and produced an entire human being, I expect my health and well-being to be important. Them turning up at 8am without arranging means they don't care about your welfare, just some bizarre competition with your parents. And staying for hours... arses.

I would just say you'll let them know when you're ready for guests. They sound massively overbearing and way too intense. With our first, ILs met her at 10 days (we said no guests before then, everyone fine with that) and my mum met her at 6 weeks (lives abroad). 2nd one, my mum came again at 6 weeks. MIL wasn't speaking to us at that point (totally unrelated issue), so she didn't meet him til he was about 4 months. It isn't a spectator sport and it's absolutely fine to be firm that they can visit when you're ready. If push comes to shove, just don't tell them until you are ready. I told no one I was in labour and we only let them know after the fact when we were ready. No one spontaneously combusted because of the delay. If they respect you, they should respect your decision.

Yanbu...

I'm due 2nd January with DC2... And I've already said out right to my partner that I'm not having his family Xmas day this year at all.

Last few xmases, have been hell with his family causing trouble so I'm not having it this year, and we haven't actually spoke to BIL since January because MIL caused trouble at Xmas, and stirred the pot between everyone.
Ill either be heavily pregnant at Xmas or maybe even of had the baby.
They can come Xmas eve or boxing day, but not Xmas day.

Don't commit at all.

What’s that old MN adage? No is a complete sentence. Just keep bashing that word out and they’ll have to get over it.

I made the mistake of being accommodating To everybody with my first and paid for it dearly. The second time I was wiser and made everybody wait until I get ready after roughly a week. I have no idea if anyone felt hard done by because I didn’t and don’t care. We did the right thing by us and that’s what you need to do too.

No. Visitors should wait to be invited and women shouldn't feel pressured to having visitors until they feel ready.

This is a really big issue in my opinion. Women feeling like they have to be 'ok' immediately after birth. Some are and that's fine, but many are not, having gone through immense pain and emotion... yet cave in to the social pressures of having visitors before we want them.
After both my DC were born I felt horrendous both physically and mentally. I needed sleep and to be with my baby. But that wasn't a permitted option (as it seems not to be for so many). My needs were not as important as people not feeling included or something.

I am very aware that the experience first time round has coloured how I want things to go this time. I found the recovery really hard and the complete inability to have anything go to plan in the early days made me very anxious. None of that is the fault of the ILs but I lump that stressful visit in with those feelings which is probably unfair.

The time eveyone descended on me after dc1 messed me up more than putting my foot down and keeping visitors away with dc2. I didn't care if they thought I was being precious, I wanted to recover and rest.

All of mine were home births, the first being born at my mum’s house so she was obviously the first to see DS - she brought tea and homemade cake for us and the midwives!

After that it was first come, first served 🤷‍♀️

2nd and third DC we lived roughly in between his parents and my mum. They were told at the same time and, again, first come first served. But, they were all straightforward labours and I felt fine so it wasn’t an issue. No inter-fighting between parents.

Is your DH supportive in the sense that he's happy for you to make a stand or is he going to put his big boy pants on and kick his family out if they try arriving at 8am again?

You offered, she refused, conscious clear. I say this as someone who had about a dozen people in my house the day after I had my second child, I was perfectly happy to ask some of them to finish making lunch as the midwife called round. That was a bizarrely easy birth, and you can't know if you'll get that. Your parents and in-laws might not get along easily.
If you do end up with a houseful, ask them to help dc1 feel special.

Why is it so important for your MIL to meet the baby at the same time as your mum? Surely a day or two won’t make much of a difference. She sounds very selfish and is clearly ignoring your feelings about this. I wouldn’t rush to have her meet the baby if I were you.

@LouHotel DH and his mum are terrible communicators. Anytime a moderately awkward conversation needs to be had, it ends in a massive screaming row. DH has reduced contact with his mum a lot over the last few years and they manage to be cordial now. I have suggested that he broach the topic now when she is making these requests/demands and just say we are not making any plans until baby arrives, in the hope that it avoids a repeat of the uninvited mass visit. But he is struggling to put his big boys pants on!

@Love51 I am hoping beyond hope that this will be me. But my first was nearly 11lbs and this one is measuring big already, so it looks likely that I'll be facing an early induction or CS (or another bad recovery if I insist on holding out for labour to start naturally!)

@June628 MIL is very sensitive about being the "secondary" grandmother. This is not a concept DH or I subscribe to, but she thinks that because she is DH's mum rather than mine, that she gets less of a shot with our DC. In truth, she does spend less time with DS than my mum does, but that has nothing to do with the fact that she is DH's mum!

How can MIL want you to commit to a date now? Is this a date for them to meet the baby? Unless you are having a planned c section how will you know the date in advance?

Surely your dh can arrange a convenient time for them to visit when he phones to tell her you've had the baby?

Yanbu. At all.
There is also something to be said, and I have made it clear to MIL when she got her arse in her hand about coming over after DD is born. I don’t want my mum here because I want her to be the first person to meet my baby.
I want my mum here because I need someone who I trust implicitly, I want the person I feel most safe in the world with. I want my mum because I’m scared.

My mums presence isn’t about grandparenthood. It’s about her being my mum.

Good luck with everything

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras it's "her" year with DH for Christmas this year (she and FIL alternative Christmas visits since they divorced) so she wants to be sure she doesn't miss her visit. But it's now become less about that and more about making sure she meets the baby at the same time my mum does (rather than a specific date) which I'm also struggling with.

@Boomclaps this is exactly it, but I haven't known how to articulate it. With my first, my mum spent barely any time with DS at all. She was rubbing my feet to try to distract from a horribly painful latch, trying to help me find better feeding positions, changing sheets and towels when I had made a bloody mess, baking cakes, doing laundry etc. etc. None of which I would have MIL do!

No need to commit to anything OP. Entirely up to you what role your DM plays and any notion of equal grandparent rights is madness. You don't seem to be deliberately wanting to exclude her by saying she can'r visit for months, just that you want to manage during a difficult time. Remember she presumably got to decide how she managed when she 'laid in' or whatever term was used then and you get to. She choose not to attend because she wanted to wait for SIL. Her choice and loss. I would make your DP make it exceptionally clear that there will be no repeat of 8am long visit rather you will tell them when they are welcome. Sometimes unreasonable people need help to manage their unreasonableness.

Good luck.

Your priorities, other than yourself and new baby, will include DC1 this time too. Just say you want a few days just the four of you. Isn't it an option to just not tell her when you go into labour?
She sounds bloody awful, as does the 3 of them doing that 8am visit.
Is she worried your parents will get the grandkids over Christmas?

I typed too slowly, you've answered a lot of my questions OP, sorry.