Should all grandparents be invited to meet a new baby at the same time?

[namechangedasouting]

Backstory: DC1 was born last year. My mum was there for the birth, as well as DH. After DS was born, my dad came to collect my mum and met DS (quick 5 minute visit). DS arrived late in the evening - first thing the next morning, I suggested DH invite his mum and dad to the hospital (separately as they are divorced) so that they could meet DS. MIL refused as she wanted to meet the baby for the first time with DH's sister who wasn't available. Once SIL arrived home (mid afternoon), she and MIL rang DH every 15 mins asking to visit - at this point it wasn't possible for them to come to the hospital as we were waiting to get discharged. In the end, it took 6 hours to get discharged (!!!) and we didn't get home until past 10pm. The next morning, MIL, SIL and FIL arrived before 8am to visit - we hadn't arranged the time. I found the visit extremely stressful - they stayed several hours, I was in a lot of pain, struggling badly with breastfeeding, hormones dumping hard and operating on zero sleep.

DC2 is due just before Christmas. MIL is asking us to commit to a time to visit around Christmas and I am refusing - DH is supportive. She is kicking off and asking DH to promise that she will meet DC2 at the same time as my parents. Covid dependent, I would like my mum to be a birth partner again (DH is fine with this). If DH agrees to his mum, we are committing to essentially an immediate IL visit which I'd really rather not do. I am happy for ILs to visit in the early days, but I would like it to be at a time which is convenient and comfortable for me, and at our invitation. Am I being horribly controlling/selfish/unreasonable?

By the way, OP, she may need to realise that any notion of it being 'her year for DH' will need to go out of the window given the forthcoming birth. Any sensible person would proactively offer that priorities shouldn't be driven by the fall out of her divorce when you've got the forthcoming birth.

[quote namechangedasouting]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras it's "her" year with DH for Christmas this year (she and FIL alternative Christmas visits since they divorced) so she wants to be sure she doesn't miss her visit. But it's now become less about that and more about making sure she meets the baby at the same time my mum does (rather than a specific date) which I'm also struggling with.[/quote]
Oh right, so she wants to fix a date for Christmas?

That's separate to her getting to see the baby though isn't it? The dates might be someway apart depending on when baby is due.

I'd be really tempted to say Christmas isn't happening this year because you'll be too tired.

If your mum is going to be a birth partner (Covid allowing) then she’ll meet the baby first anyway. I think you need to say to mil that visits will be at your convenience, not hers, plus I would impose a strict hour limit or whatever suits you. It’s awful to have guests when you’re not feeling good.

No.

The priority immediately after birth is mother and baby's health and recovery. This might mean that the presence and support of some grandparents is needed more than others. This is more important than trying to treat them all identically.

No advice. But you are def not the unreasonable one.
Good luck

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras yes it started with trying to confirm Christmas plan. I'm due about a week before Christmas and because DS was so big, it's pretty likely that new baby will have arrived somehow before Christmas. But I still don't want to make a firm plan as I have no idea how my recovery will be this time round. So DH told her we weren't making any firm plans until baby arrived, and the response was "as long as you promise that 'my mum' doesn't get to meet the new baby before me, that's fine"

They wouldn't have got through my front door at 8am. And if they did, they'd have been shown out again 15 mins later. Ghastly woman. Why don't you print out this thread and hand it to her to read?
As for Christmas - it's bloody July! If she mentions it again, give her a firm reply - that you won't be visiting at all if you hear one more word.

@Scout2016 yes it would be my preference just to let ILs know when baby has arrived. But because my mum is hopefully going to be a birth partner, and MIL has this weird competitive thing going on, doing it this way would likely cause a big row. Which I'm frankly not too fussed about but I'd like to avoid putting DH in a difficult position if I can

I think it would be easier all round to make it clear now that you hope to have your mother as a birth partner, get any fuss out of the way now. If she kicks off tell her you're having FIL as your doula.

The priority for whose feelings matter most after a birth is: baby, mother, other children, father...... every fucker else. Screw what MIL wants, what matters is what you need. How dare they turn up at your house before 8am when you had just given birth. "I'll tell you when I'm ready for visitors and the door will be locked to everyone who hasn't been invited"

"as long as you promise that 'my mum' doesn't get to meet the new baby before me, that's fine"
"Well she's going to be watching them come out sooo....?"

I had a similar issue with my MIL when DD was born, we spent so much time (after my failed 5 day induction that lead to an emergency section) running around after her and visiting her that it made me angry and resentful that instead of worrying about us, we were doing everything for her.
Luckily this time I gave birth during the pandemic and we haven't been able to see anyone which has been bliss.
My mum is in our bubble but she's helpful. She doesn't make it all about her.
She looked after our daughter when I was in hospital and has helped with all follow up appointments due to complications.
She has a terrible relationship with her own son and I'm no longer prepared to pander to her.
Good luck OP, stick with whatever makes you happy. X

@namechangedasouting

Oh no, you're stuck in the middle of the grandmother wars! I feel for you. My MIL is also obsessed with not losing out to my own mother - even though we literally moved 4000 miles away from home to be closer to her at the cost of only seeing my mum once a year.

My mum was also a birth partner and I also had a 10lb+ baby. He had to go to the NICU and my husband insisted that we let my MIL come to meet the baby the next day - but only two visitors were allowed in the NICU so she literally kicked me out and I had to wait for her to leave so I could be with my own baby, not even 24 hours old. I will never, ever forgive her or my husband. All because my mother had already "met" the baby - she had eyes on him for about 2 minutes before he was rushed to the NICU and didn't hold him until he was a few days old because she was so busy looking after me!

Sorry I didn't mean to vent on your post. But I will absolutely be putting my foot down if we have a second baby, and you should too!

You say "Last time you came far too early. We will let you know when we are ready for visitors, which will be when I have recovered and have established feeding. And we are planning a quiet Christmas at home."

You can't possibly commit to anything.

I really dislike the arbitrary gatekeeping of babies that some mums do where their whole family can meet baby in hospital and come stay, but their partner's family should put up with whatever crumbs the mum feels like offering, but you are not being like that at all.
Your mum is your birthing partner and you're happy for baby to meet their family over the first few days, just not on MIL's timeframe. Your MIL needs to get a grip.

@MagpieWife gosh vent away, that sounds awful! And you're a Saint for moving to be closer to MIL.

@LolaSmiles this is exactly what I was worrying about. I don't want to be 'that' DIL that favours her own family over the ILs. But equally I really struggled last time round, and I know that I can't control what type of birth/recovery I get so I would really love to reduce the stress of other factors which were hard first time!