Baby refusing to go to bed for six weeks AIBU to resent her ☹️

[Smillar2020]

My nine month old has always been a good sleeper up until six weeks ago. For two months she was sleeping 8-6/7 consistently, sometimes with a feed but mostly straight through. For the last six weeks she has refused to go to sleep at 8pm even though she is clearly exhausted. I’ve not been able to get her down before 11pm every night and I’m now resorting to driving her around in the car because I’m so fed up. I’ve tried everything with naps during the day. I’m a single parent so have no help. What can I do as I’m at breaking point and starting to resent my baby for wasting every single night for me. I just need some space at the end of the day to wind down and catch up on things.

Presume you've considered possibilities of teething etc?

It's a really hard time. We had this with ours. It's called the 9 month regression and it's to do with their brain development and they just want to learn everything. Ours lasted a good while too and I promise you it's not permanent. Its hard work but just hang in there for a little while longer. I feel your pain. Xxxx

Can you share your bedtime routine op?

Not helpful in fixing it but have you read about the sleep regression? Basically there’s a change in their sleep cycles. Have a read about it (if you have the energy) and the no cry sleep solution is a good book with some hints although quick fixes.
It must be really hard doing this on your own, be kind on yourself you’re doing amazing! And it must be quite normal to feel some resentment so don’t feel guilty.

How long / how many naps is she having in the day? She’s not having a nap too late in the day is she?

Can you start trying to get her to sleep earlier maybe? Maybe that may help? I know how hard it is. Have you tried the usual things, white noise, completely blacked out room and then a night light on so there is no day light coming in? It makes it such a long day and it’s so hard not to get cheesed off with it. I have been there with my daughter, it does change, it just doesn’t feel like it when you are in the moment.

Does she want to cosleep? I've completely given into this

I’m a single parent. No one to help with bedtimes. I just don’t understand why it’s going on so long. Everyone said “it’s just a phase that lasts a week or two” well it’s never seven weeks and I’m losing the will to live. Even if I have a lovely day with my baby it’s overshadowed by a terrible bedtime and I just hate the day. As soon as I put her in her cot she comes alive and starts thrashing and kicking around, even though she has fallen asleep on me. I feel like I hate my baby.

She has two naps. One in the morning for a couple of hours and a short one in the afternoon. I’ve tried letting her sleep as long as she wants, shortening naps, waking her up . Earlier bedtimes, later bedtimes. I’m broken. I hate her right now, and I feel like the worst mum for even thinking this.

Lots of possibilities

Is she ready to drop a nap therefore not tired at bedtime? If so try dropping a nap

Is she overtired and you have missed the sleep window? If so bring bedtime earlier each night to see if that makes a difference

Could you put her down at 11 instead and not fight it? Wind down til 12.30 then go to bed yourself?

Just read your update. You sound exgausted and at the end of your tether. Can anyone help you out, even if it's taking her for a walk in the day so you can nap or sort stiff them so there isn't so much pressure at night?

I u understand how hard it is I have had two terrible sleepers and felt broken by them!

My kids had a shorter nap in the morning at about 9 am for 45 mins, then a longer nap at lunch maybe 1.5-2 hrs, to wake about 2pm.
She doesn’t seem like she’s getting much sleep on that schedule in the middle / later in the day? It sounds very hard and I’m not sure there’s a ‘right’ answer

What happens if you put her down in your bed? Feed her to sleep or however you get her to sleep, wait for a bit and put her onto your bed.

DS is 6 months and I BF so feed him to sleep around 7, gently drop him down onto our bed, top up with boob if needed by side lying then roll away. He then stays there until 10.30/11pm when I go to bed, feed him even if he's asleep and then put into his cot which is attached to our bed ( like a big next to me crib )? If he doesn't go to sleep/wakes fully when I put him down, I try again later rather than try to wrestle him to sleep because we just end up stressed.

tiny humans are exhausting.

Oh that sounds tough, I adore my children but I do love my evenings alone too! It sounds like she’s going a long time between her afternoon nap and evening sleep, so maybe she’s overtired. Perhaps try as someone suggested a short morning and longer after lunch nap. I would then put her to bed and stick with it. Some sort of sleep training could work now (I’m not suggesting cio). With mine, once they were in bed that’s it I wouldn’t get them up again. I would pick her up and give her a cuddle to calm her then lay her straight back down again. Put your hand on her tummy or stroke her head until she’s asleep, even if you’re up there for an hour. The time will reduce eventually, but stick with it as it won’t work instantly, any change in routine takes a while to stick. She’s probably got used to the drive to sleep and needs to break that habit again. Good luck

Could you try taking her for a walk in the pram at 8 for bed? And then just let her sleep in it until 11/12.. It's not perfect but it would give you a break. My ds wasn't a great sleeper at that age (fed to sleep up every few hours at best) honestly I ended up putting his buggy in his bedroom and he slept in it off and on through the night - when I just couldn't get him back in the cot.. There were nights I still had to push him up and down for a while but he did go over eventually.
He's now 2 and from August he has been a (usually) great sleeper mostly 7-7

What time does she have her naps? Could she be over-tired by bedtime?

What do you do when she won’t settle in her cot? Go in? Leave her cry?

Honestly.... you sound like you need a break.

I will get flamed for this but I think you need to sleep train. A mummy feeling like you are does no one any good.

Sorry you are going through this alone. It must be so hard.

I have a similar aged baby.

I agree with @Suzie6789. I would only allow a 45 minute nap in the morning followed by plenty of stimulation and activity with hopefully (an hour and a half to two hours in the early afternoon. It’s a long time from a short afternoon nap to 8pm.

On that note, it sounds as though she’s overtired and 8pm is pretty late. Maybe start bedtime routine consistently (more than a week) at 6.30pm to aim for 7pm bed?

Out of interest, do you leave your child to cry, stay in the room or go back and forth?

OP you say she falls asleep on you & then wakes when u put her in her cot, has she learned to self soothe on her own before now?
U can practice during the day when ur less tierd teaching her to fall asleep in her cot. With my first I did controlled crying, it worked around 9 months but tough. I’m not single mum but my DH works all hours so I did it alone & was greatful as was already pregnant again by time ds turned 10 months & was
U could call ur health visitor for advise on sleep training. Good luck, try not to bring baby into bed with you

I'd switch her naps around. Short one in the morning, longer one in the afternoon, getting up no later than 2pm.

What time is she waking for the day? I imagine she wants that long morning nap because she's not rested enough after such a late night, so try to break that cycle.

Agree with laying with her on the bed and then slipping away once she's asleep. Going from your warm cuddle to a cold cot will be startling her awake and she'll have had enough of a power nap on you to keep her going for a few hours.

for you. You are not the worst mum ever. You are exhausted

Try some gentle sleep training like rebecca michi. Sleep training doesn't have to involve your baby crying and getting upset. You deserve some rest.

Ps OP. You dont hate your baby. You hate this behaviour, and that is ok. You both need help with it, and that is also ok. Do not feel guilty about this, don't give yourself such a hard time.

But also perhaps worth a chat to your GP about post natal depression. Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL? Can your baby's father take her for a night to give you a break or is she breastfed?

At that age I think my DS was on the 2-3-4 wake schedule. So first nap 2 hours after waking, then second nap 3 hours after waking from first and bedtime 4 hours after waking again. It does sound like she could be overtired so can’t switch off or as pp’s have suggested it could be a sleep regression.

For the sleep regression I found it helpful to stick to a routine regardless and ride it out for a few weeks unfortunately. Does she sleep with a soother or anything that could help comfort her? White noise?

I really feel for you OP we have been though a rollercoaster of sleep with our DD (2). We have tried everything and the one thing that drives me mad is trying to put her to bed when she isn't tired. Have you tried dropping one of the naps so that she is genuinely tired for the other and bed time? I try to restrict her nap to one hour and find that exercise and playing outside has a bigger impact on her than inside play, not always easy. We discussed things with a dietician and strict routines become more important, getting up at the right time and winding down to bed. There is no magic solution and doing it on your own must be so hard. Something to try which has worked is putting her to bed at the time she is falling asleep i.e 11pm and then generally working back 10 minutes every few days. It's hard going but it did have an impact.