Baby refusing to go to bed for six weeks AIBU to resent her ☹️

[Smillar2020]

My nine month old has always been a good sleeper up until six weeks ago. For two months she was sleeping 8-6/7 consistently, sometimes with a feed but mostly straight through. For the last six weeks she has refused to go to sleep at 8pm even though she is clearly exhausted. I’ve not been able to get her down before 11pm every night and I’m now resorting to driving her around in the car because I’m so fed up. I’ve tried everything with naps during the day. I’m a single parent so have no help. What can I do as I’m at breaking point and starting to resent my baby for wasting every single night for me. I just need some space at the end of the day to wind down and catch up on things.

With dd at this age, she was also having a short morning nap of perhaps 45 mins a couple of hours or so after waking then a longer nap after lunch maybe 2 hours. I had her on a 7am/7pm routine. I also think your dd is possibly over tired.

Tbh if all else fails, would you consider co sleeping for a while? You need to do what works for you. The downside to this is you’ll very likely struggle to get your dd out of your bed.

@Sunnydayshereatlast

Can you share your bedtime routine op?

I was about to say these very words! I'm sorry that it's so hard, OP. If you can talk us through your baby's day, someone might be able to suggest something you haven't yet thought of.

my heart hurts for both of you. I couldnt imagine saying I hated my baby and mine is also a really awful sleeper (wakes me up every 2 hours at night then wakes up at half 5/6!) so you must be in a really crap place. sleep deprivation is awful - noone can really prepare you for the lack of sleep that comes with a baby until you have one. the only thing that seems to help me get her to sleep is white noise and making sure she doesnt get over tired. also, may not seem like it but it will pass. my DD 4 month sleep regression went on for nearly 2 months. nearly destroyed me as she was walking every 40 minutes. then one night she did a 4 hour stretch. I could go cried! hang in there OP - I know it's tough!

waking*

@Smillar2020

My baby is 11 months now and he was the same at 9 months. It took almost a full month to get him to sleep at 7 without me lying in bed with him for hours and giving up my whole evening. He still doesn't sleep perfectly and naps can be tough but getting my evenings back felt amazing and it will for you too.

I had such a tough time even with a partner to help so I really really feel for you. I just want to tell you that even though you are struggling now, it will get better! If you PM me your address I will send you some books that really helped me get through it.

She has clearly said twice she is a single parent and I am sure would say if she lived with anyone else. Why don't people read?

*@Smillar2020 what helped with my youngest was an afternoon walk, anytime that suited between 1 and 4pm. He didn't sleep through all nigh if we didn't go out.

Try to wake baby by 7-7.30 am, allow 2.5 hours awake time then a short nap (30 mins), awake again for 2.5 hours, lunch nap for up to 2.5 hours (they never sleep that long do they!!!) then if needed, a short 15 min power nap no later than about 4.45/5pm. Don’t let her go over 15/20 mins even if they seem knackered, it’s just to take the edge off and stop the cortisone building up - which is what causes the over tiredness.
Dark room, totally pitch black and white noise on your phone (youtube).
It’s absolute hell. I feel your pain as my DC will not nap, they will do the early morning one but then it’s hell on until night time. I have had a lot of late ones recently.

Like all things with kids, it WILL change. Try balancing her awake times, it’ll take a few weeks of consistency to see any results. It’s exhausting but you are not the only one, every single parent goes through a sleep regression at one point.
If I’d known it was this hellish I’d have reconsidered kids! (And I’m only half joking)

Is she hungry?

Possibly contraversial but personally I would bring the baby in my bed and co-sleep. My oldest had a sleep regression that lasted 4 years and all the people saying "its just a phase" - well it might not be. I wasted a lot of mental, physical and emotional energy, trying to figure out how to make my daughter sleep in her cot when all she wanted was to be with me. Looking back it was madness and a very very dark time. My daughter slept ok until she was about 7 months (not brilliant but ok) then something clicked - seperation anxiety maybe - and she was never happy going to bed after that unless she was in with me. I tried every. Single. Thing possible - had a perfect routine everything. She just wanted her mum. By the time I had my second baby I didn't even bother with it, he just slept with me until he was ready for his cot.

Mine did this and it lasted for about four months from when he was around eight months old. I tried everything (inc letting him scream for hours on end) and in the end accepted it was just a regression that couldn’t be solved with changes I could make. I would put him to bed as normal but if he screamed for too long I’d let him get up and sit with us, as long as he did so quietly and didn’t treat it like play time. He’d usually go to sleep about 11pm ish. Then after four months he just suddenly went back to normal and started going to sleep at bedtime. He goes through short phases of this every four to five months, but it only lasts a week at most (he’s 2.5 now). I know that’s not overly helpful, and it was an exhausting phase (and I had help). Just know that it’s not always something that can be fixed by techniques, and it doesn’t mean it’s anything you’re doing (or not doing).

Yes, I think you likely need to lose the second nap. Ugh sleep issues are the worst, I feel for you!

See if you can keep her up an hour or two later than her usual nap time tomorrow morning and then let her have her usual 2 hours. Lunch as soon as she wakes and then plan for the second half of the afternoon to be a total write off - TV, books or just expect a lot of whining and tantrums. Unfortunately you'll need to avoid any buggy, car or sling in case she falls asleep in them. Early dinner (before 5pm), something easy that she's likely to eat, although don't worry if she doesn't, and then a bath when she starts seriously flagging. PJs on and bedtime routine, even if it's up to an hour earlier than her normal bedtime (but try to stretch so it's no earlier than this) - fingers crossed, she should go down easy as pie and then hopefully stay asleep!

Sometimes it can go a bit wrong and they can wake up at 10/11pm full of beans having thought that was their afternoon nap, but do whatever path of least resistance gets her to sleep e.g. put her in your own bed. If you do not have a secret weapon like this, just be mentally prepared for the fact it might happen, put all the lights on low and basically ignore her for a bit while doing something unobtrusive like reading or using your phone. Let her have access to some toys like stacking cups, small balls, shape sorter, items that go inside the other - anything that lets her experiment with bigger/smaller/building/stacking/sorting - that will wear her brain out and help get her ready for sleep again. Avoid lights and sounds type toys, TV or music. Reading to her is OK. When she starts to get sleepy again or after 1-2 hours have passed try and put her back to bed, or take her to bed with you.

If this happens more than occasionally, try shifting the morning nap another half an hour later, and bedtime closer to the original time.

You're making too much effort in trying to get her to sleep. Can she not be with you and your husband quietly, having a cuddle, maybe playing with a toy, while you talk to each other and watch TV? If you did that and kept it casual she would probably just drop off naturally next to you and then you can put her to bed or take her up when you go. She wants to be with you.

@jessstan2 read the OP she’s a single parent!

Coming up to 12m she probably only needs 1 nap, try to drop the morning one and give an early lunch (11am?) and get her down for a 2 hour nap straight after lunch. You may need to bring bedtime forward at first so she does not get overtired

Look at the possum method and stop trying to force the issue.

My baby is the same age and was like this during teething x

Hope you're OK OP I'm (hopefully) just coming out the other side of my daughters 9 month sleep regression - it's hard. The stress, guildt and exhaustion makes it even harder.

A few things we tried and have worked quite well are... getting her up an hour earlier in the morning. (Roughly sleeps 8pm-7am), Making sure we get out for an hours walk each day (the only way to ensure she has a nap - she only has 1 nap a day for a full hour) - even if we feel like cr*p, the fresh air really helps. Give her dinner later about 6.30pm so she's going to bed with a fuller tummy, make sure she has a bath before bed and if she doesn't settle after her bedtime bottle, we give her more milk. Also, weirdly, she likes to play with a soft baby shoe, so we give her that in her cot then leave the room to let her settle herself. Oh, also, play 'sleep sounds, city rain' on Alexa through the night for white noise so creaky doors or flushing toilets don't wake her up!
We've had nights where she's refused to sleep. She gets more upset and agitated the more we try to force her to sleep so if she's being like that, we just bring her downstairs while we watch TV. She eventually settles and goes to sleep on the sofa.

Really hope you're ok, if you have any support, ask for help. Even just to take baby out a walk for you so you can switch off for a bit

We had a fab sleeper from 4 to 8.5 months then the regression hit until about 13 months. She’s 17 months now and sort of sleeping through although we have some random awakenings (like right now!)

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I was thinking along your lines. OP if you need permission to put her down and just leave her- do it. I sleep trained my DD at a similar age (didn’t do complete CIO but gradual extinction) but honestly if I was single and was 100% sure she was tired I would have a lovely day, bath cuddles bed, close door and headphones on.

I feel for you We had a stage like this and it was awful. Feeding to sleep stopped working, and we had a month where the only method was rocking in the pram and then stealth-ninjaing him up into the cot. Then a month of uncomfortable co-sleeping. Eventually we did a mix of gradual retreat and coming back every few minutes, and replaced the final breastfeed with a bottle, so I guess gentle sleep-training. We've had 6 great months but now at 20 months he's started playing up at bedtime again.

I would try 2 or 3 nights of putting her down and leaving the room, coming back over longer periods. It might take 2 hours but it really did work for us long term once he realised we would always come back.

OP, I know you say you have tried every permutation on a nap theme - but reading back through your posts, I'd say your daughter possibly needs no nap in the morning, and a longer one after lunch (though no more than 1 hr to 90 mins). I would suggest making sure she's up by 2, then starting the bedtime routine at 6, so that she's in bed by 7.

It's a long time now since mine were small, but sleep problems at night with them were often related to over-tiredness and a lack of sleep during the day. You presumably do the typical bath/story/breast or bottle/bed routine? 9 months is not too young for stories, and they always had a soothing effect even when mine were babies. Sorry if you have already done all this, to no avail.

OP, I also did a fair bit of leaving them to cry, having checked that they weren't hungry, hot, cold, wet, ill, etc, etc, etc. It's harder to do that with a first baby, though.

@SuperMumTum

Possibly contraversial but personally I would bring the baby in my bed and co-sleep. My oldest had a sleep regression that lasted 4 years and all the people saying "its just a phase" - well it might not be. I wasted a lot of mental, physical and emotional energy, trying to figure out how to make my daughter sleep in her cot when all she wanted was to be with me. Looking back it was madness and a very very dark time. My daughter slept ok until she was about 7 months (not brilliant but ok) then something clicked - seperation anxiety maybe - and she was never happy going to bed after that unless she was in with me. I tried every. Single. Thing possible - had a perfect routine everything. She just wanted her mum. By the time I had my second baby I didn't even bother with it, he just slept with me until he was ready for his cot.

Before my daughter I wouldn't have agreed. But when she wakes in the middle of the night I know if any of us are getting any sleep it's in our bed. Do what you need to do!

Thank you all for your advice, I feel so much better and less alone / guilty. When I put her to bed at 7-30/8 she is genuinely tired and very sleepy. As soon as she’s put down in the cot she goes wild like it’s playtime, kicking and throwing herself around and trying to pull herself up. I have considered leaving her in the room but I worry about her climbing out etc. I will try and miss the morning nap for a later one early afternoon. It’s just awful. But thank you for all your kind comments x

If she’s just kicking around etc just leave her to it. If you’re worried about her climbing out then get a camera to keep an eye on her. Use a sleeping bag if you don’t already as it contains them a bit.