Siblings of a child with mental health issues

[Frazzled193736]

Hi not sure where to post this. Plz advise.

I have name changed. A bit of info, I have 2 kids, my eldest has mental health issues. He is under 12 years old. Throughout his life he has always been "different". He has never been naughty. We weren't sure at first whether there was a possibility of autism or adhd, opinion also expressed from school. He was seen by cahms etc and they decided it was anxiety. He saw a counsellor for 6 weeks.
Anyway, he has always ruled our family. His mood swings, his meltdowns, his phobias, his fears. Suicide threats etc all take centre stage. Main issue at the moment is refusal to do school work and crying about it every day shouting, storming off etc. We can spend hours talking to him, reassuring him, love bombing him.

Nothing we do seems to help. He has a perfect life, everything he could want. A loving family, lots of friends, he's clever. Good health. Lovely home. Lovely holidays. Basically not a single thing to complain about.
But for some reason nothing gives him pleasure and never had. Not even taking him to disneyworld florida

Anyway, that's a bit about him and our life. Currently under cahms again.

My issue is his younger sister who is 3 years younger than him. She is perfectly behaved. Never have any problems with her at all. She is always pushed out due to my sons meltdowns. Whilst we are dealing with him she has to just entertain herself and this happens alot.
She has come to me recently and asked to speak to me about why is he like that? Why does she have to put up with it. She's sick of it etc. Obviously lockdown hasnt helped him or us.
Im feeling tremendous guilt towards her being affected by all of this. I didn't sign up for this when I decided to be a parent. I know that sounds terrible and I love him with my heart and soul but Ive hit rock bottom today and feeling angry about it all.

If we treat our daughter for her good behaviour, or we praise her, it has a massive negative effect on him.

Cahms are there to support my son, but there is noone to support us as parents or his sister. We just live on eggshells around him and he's not even a teenager yet.

Any advice on how to help my daughter being stuck in this situation? Thanks

What happens if you do treat her for her good behaviour?

You know that you're treating your daughter unfairly. It's not right to avoid praising her because it might upset her brother.

What treatment is your son having?

A friend’s son was similar to this (without the suicide) and it was put down to anxiety which she really didn’t agree with. He was assessed again older and now has been diagnosed with ADHD.

If you are sure he doesn’t have a specific condition is he getting treated for the anxiety? Will he engage with therapy?

No advice but I'm in a very similar situation here. I like to have 1-1 time with dd as much as possible and she loves that (as do I), pre covid I'd take her swimming or to the cinema, these days its watching a film together at home or baking. Is that an option for you?

We so treat me daughter, she gets tonnes of praise, but we try not to do it infront of him. If we do, it seems to have a very negative effect on his mental health. He becomes very negative towards himself and jealous towards her. He cannot seem to grasp that he would receive the same praise for trying hard, or achieving something.

I do think there is an issue but noone will help us. Even if he was labelled with a condition, there is still no help other than being able to call it a name.

We so treat me daughter, she gets tonnes of praise, but we try not to do it infront of him. If we do, it seems to have a very negative effect on his mental health. He becomes very negative towards himself and jealous towards her. He cannot seem to grasp that he would receive the same praise for trying hard, or achieving something.

I do think there is an issue but noone will help us. Even if he was labelled with a condition, there is still no help other than being able to call it a name.

Even if he was labelled with a condition, there is still no help other than being able to call it a name.

That’s not true. There are recognised therapy programs for autism, similarly for ADHD and some children respond remarkably well to drug therapy for ADHD.

There are recognised strategies for many conditions and more support with a diagnosis.

Have you considered a private assessment?

We've been through cahms, a therapist, and he was observed in school. All concluded no diagnosis of anything. He has a few aspects of each but not enough for a diagnosis.

None of it helps my daughter tho, or us. We just have to live with it every day and we are all getting to the end of our tolerance due to covid. Hopefully a bit of normality will resume come September

We have twins. DS has ADHD and anxiety. Our diagnosis wasn't picked up until the end of primary school by an OT assessing something else. We then got a private assessment.
DD definitely sometimes gets sick of DS taking all the oxygen in the room.
A formal diagnosis helps. We haven't gone down the medication route but DS has weekly CBT.
We are upfront with dd that she has every right to feel fed up sometimes.
The diagnosis means that everyone in the house is aware the behavior has a clear cause, it doesn't mean the behavior is excused but it makes it a bit easier to understand.
We have formal individual times where each dc spends a day of activities they have chosen with one parent, the parent swaps each time. This gives each dc the chance to have complete individual parental focus.
More informally we work on making sure one of us is checking in with dd if ds is having a rough day.
It isn't easy and sometimes it feels like we are pouring water into a bucket that will never fill. However the therapy/CBT is helping give ds more understanding about what is going on with him and if nothing else is another person for him to offload on.
Leaving us with a bit more time for dd.

@siblingsforever how did you access the cbt? Are you paying privately for it?

Ive contacted our local mental health charities and due to covid they have all stopped face to face meetings. Some are offering telephone calls or zoom calls. This won't be affective for my son. He just clams up and doesn't speak.
I feel like I'm hitting a wall every way I turn to try and access help for him. It was bad enough before but now due to covid any kind of help is almost non existant

Obviously, I am now a middle aged woman, but my brother has significant mental health problems and has done since he was a child. I shan't labour the point about how hard it is, it's not your fault and I don't want to make you feel worse.
Some things I wish my parents had done/would do:

• I resented the fact he got away with murder because they didn't want to bollock him and him to threaten to kill himself. I got away with nothing.
• they enable him a lot and always,have done. He is terrible at holding down a job, even now they give him money, there is no expectation he should find himself.
• I must have been told several times a week for the last 35 years that I need to be more understanding of what he is going through.
• when my DF dies, the expectation is that I will look after him. I will NOT.. But if I voice this I am made to feel guilty.
• he embarrassed me horribly while we were in secondary school as he was the "cheeky chappie" (borderline ADHD) who got into fights and was always loud. I was told I should stick up for him.

I could go on... Apologies for the long post. As you can probably tell, it has been awful and continues to be. At least you recognise your dd in your situation. Just dont expect her to love and tolerate him like you do. She might, but don't blame her if she can't, she is his sister, not his mum and she doesn't have to be unconditional towards him.

@Commentutappelles thanks for your comment. I really appreciate your honesty and I completely agree.
Im not feeling too positive about things today as we've had a really bad day. I usually make excuses for him and he is my whole world but today I just feel like I've hit a brick wall. I feel angry (not at him but at the universe /God?) whoever has put me and my family in this situation. I just need a break from it all I'm just glad that he sleeps well and usually when I feel like this I feel much better the next day.
I feel so much sorrow for him to be suffering, and I feel anger. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders and I worry constantly.
My daughter happiness is so important to me and I don't feel like she can have a proper happy childhood with this going on around her

Watching with interest.
Have same dynamic, DC with same age gap.
DC1 was initially assessed for dyslexia by a brilliant EP who highlighted that DC1's main problem was significant anxiety plus other (possibly too outing) condition.
Being able to name and 'frame' DC1's difficulties has been life-changing for all of us: we are able to access appropriate assistance (as is school), our mindset as parents has changed in as much as we have learnt and grown lots. As a primary school teacher, I thought I knew quite a bit about what I believed DC1 was presenting with but our EP was able to find the missing piece of the puzzle. It has helped us isolate and manage behaviours arising from condition, and know when it is fair to have a different expectation.
For DC1, now knowing they're not 'dumb' but have different cognitive function (which explains certain areas of brilliance, paradoxically) has been massively reassuring and relieved them of a huge burden of defensiveness, guilt and feelings of inadequacy almost over night.
It has also helped DC2 understand why DC1 takes up so much space, and what we as parents are doing to make things work better. It's been a game-changer in terms of talking with DC2 about their feelings about DC1.
Formal assessment is definitely worth it. Good luck, OP!

My son was diagnosed with mood disorder at age 14 and was stabilized with medications and therapy (after a three month hospitalization.)It takes time and expertise physicians but there is help out there.,He needs to be assessed by a developmental behavioral pediatrician and then referred on to child psychiatry if necessary. My son will be twenty soon. He has additional needs so he was in the system and getting correct referrals was much simpler here in the states. But please don't think there's no use to having a diagnosis.

Comment
And realised I got so focused on promoting a formal diagnosis that I skirted over the sibling experience.
Luckily 1 and 2 are very different so comparison and jealousy hasn't been a big issue, but DC2 has experienced being side-lined when DC1's needs have been great. Now we do a lot of separate activities with them, both at home and out of the house. And we deliberately big up both DC in the
presence of the other.

Is there some specialist place where you can send your son for two weeks or so post Covid so that you can bond properly with your daughter and he can be treated by experts? Friends did this many years ago with their then only child to give themselves a break and it really helped both him and them.

We pay for the CBT privately but we aren't in the UK currently.
It is on zoom which isn't ideal but actually after a few shaky sessions he is now happy doing it.
By shaky I mean running out of the room, crying, looking at the floor saying nothing etc.
There are good resources for anxiety online but it is much harder doing this as a parent than it is as a therapist.

Divide and conquer. Take it in turns to do activities on your own with dd to give her attention and time away from under his shadow.
And keep pushing for support. Keep a diary of all behaviours to discuss with his paediatrician. (If you do have one, get one.) I don’t know where you are but there will be an equivalent of a child development centre and the community paed can arrange a full assessment including Ed and clinical psych.
You may also wish to consider art therapy privately.
I have 3, one has cp, ocd and anxiety. Takes amitriptylene. One has add with asd traits. My NT kid has always been given the same quality of attention, if not always the same time (simply due to the number of hours in the day - if one child has 2 or 3 hospital appointments per week plus home therapy visits, something has to give )
Getting your son appropriate support will increase the quality of your DD’s life immensely.

He doesn't "rule" the family. You make it sound like he's doing it on purpose and ordering you all about for the fun of it.

It can't be nice for him — happy people don't say they want to kill themselves.

When you say "He cannot seem to grasp that he would receive the same praise for trying hard, or achieving something", does this mean you don't praise him? Trying hard and achieving things won't look the same for him as it does for his little sister. Things other people do with ease, like, say, sitting down and eating nicely all through dinner, or going out to the supermarket, can be the result of a supreme effort for someone with significant anxiety. (Obviously those particular things may not be issues for your DS, but they're just examples.)

Perhaps he can tell how much you and the rest of the family resent him.

Do you have a local carers centre? Our one offers support to families. Also I know there is a local group for dinner kings and also some drama courses.

If you don't have a local carers centre try asking school for sibling specific support.

@Commentutappelles I could have written your post. Exactly how I felt growing up with my brother. I now don’t see him because his behaviour to our family has been awful at times and yet he is capable of being pleasant to his friend. I was sick of his mental health problems being used as an excuse for his behaviour. Fortunately my parents recognise this now and don’t put pressure on me to have contact with him.

Similar to @Commentutappelles and @Hobbitfeet32, I'm also the younger sibling of such a situation, except I was lucky that I didn't grow up with it in such close quarters as her problems didn't manifest until she went to university when I was 8. Even so, I've still suffered severely from low self esteem and depression because from that point on my feelings became second to hers. She was allowed to say and do whatever to me, but I'd be in servers trouble for retaliating as that would upset the poor princess. Just now I'm feeling sick with sorry about seeing her and my mother next week, as I know how I'm likely to be treated.

Your son may have anxiety but so will your daughter if she's made to feel second best.

Thanks for your comments. A little more info, he is amazing at masking it in public and at assessments etc so it looks like there is nothing wrong.

He is confident, loud, friendly, chatty, class clown type of character. Noone outside the home would ever believe what he is truly like. He is a completely different person at home.

Secondly, we are in the UK. I feel like help is limited. It took an age just to see cahms. They chatted to us once and sent someone to school. He was perfect in both. Discharged to a mental health charity who offered a block of 6 one to one sessions that achieved nothing, then that was the end.

And now with the addition of covid I can't see anyone to speak a about it. We have a gp appointment on Wednesday, not sure of he can help.
I don't even know if child psychiatry exists in the UK? Or how I even go about accessing anything privately? Can anyone advise me? Thanks

Like @Commentutappelles and @Hobbitfeet32 and @TimeIhadaNameChange I have been the younger sibling in this dynamic. It is awful. You grow up feeling like you are a distant second best always. I was a bit upset to read that you have to limit your praise of your DD as well, as I feel if I hadn’t have had praise (DB got the time and attention, and it felt like the love went with them) I would have had nothing.

Your post has reminded me of that time when I was too little to reach outside my family, and had to put up with those dynamics in it. It impacted my relationship with my parents - we still see each other, but I certainly feel that if they didn’t have enough time for me when I was young, I am not going to prioritise them seeing me and my family now I am older. If this causes them pain, well, I don’t care. They didn’t seem to care about me when I was young, as it seemed to go to my DB. I know my DM would like to see me and the children more, but no.

I applaud you for seeing this dynamic now, and really urge you to do all you can to make your daughter feel she is a priority in your life. I know you may be quietly weeping and wishing someone would give you a break or some care, but as an adult at least you have some control over the situation. Your DD has so much less control, and less years of experience and tools to deal with it. She will remember every time you made her feel equal or special, and I really urge you to do all you can. You don’t want to lose her.

OP is your DS taking any medication? It sounds like to would be worth trying some anti-anxiety meds? I have seen them work well for young DC.

Secondly, does your DD have a hobby she can escape into? If not I would start something. Something that will take her out of the house after school and at weekends and give her something that is her own instead of always playing second fiddle to her brother.