Siblings of a child with mental health issues

[Frazzled193736]

Hi not sure where to post this. Plz advise.

I have name changed. A bit of info, I have 2 kids, my eldest has mental health issues. He is under 12 years old. Throughout his life he has always been "different". He has never been naughty. We weren't sure at first whether there was a possibility of autism or adhd, opinion also expressed from school. He was seen by cahms etc and they decided it was anxiety. He saw a counsellor for 6 weeks.
Anyway, he has always ruled our family. His mood swings, his meltdowns, his phobias, his fears. Suicide threats etc all take centre stage. Main issue at the moment is refusal to do school work and crying about it every day shouting, storming off etc. We can spend hours talking to him, reassuring him, love bombing him.

Nothing we do seems to help. He has a perfect life, everything he could want. A loving family, lots of friends, he's clever. Good health. Lovely home. Lovely holidays. Basically not a single thing to complain about.
But for some reason nothing gives him pleasure and never had. Not even taking him to disneyworld florida

Anyway, that's a bit about him and our life. Currently under cahms again.

My issue is his younger sister who is 3 years younger than him. She is perfectly behaved. Never have any problems with her at all. She is always pushed out due to my sons meltdowns. Whilst we are dealing with him she has to just entertain herself and this happens alot.
She has come to me recently and asked to speak to me about why is he like that? Why does she have to put up with it. She's sick of it etc. Obviously lockdown hasnt helped him or us.
Im feeling tremendous guilt towards her being affected by all of this. I didn't sign up for this when I decided to be a parent. I know that sounds terrible and I love him with my heart and soul but Ive hit rock bottom today and feeling angry about it all.

If we treat our daughter for her good behaviour, or we praise her, it has a massive negative effect on him.

Cahms are there to support my son, but there is noone to support us as parents or his sister. We just live on eggshells around him and he's not even a teenager yet.

Any advice on how to help my daughter being stuck in this situation? Thanks

Another poster as a sibling of this type of situation growing up. It’s taken me years to unpack it but like @TimeIhadaNameChange suffered from massive self esteem issues as a result. My parents had a toxic divorce & my brother’s problems and subsequent issues took centre stage, I could see how much stress and pain everyone else was in & how much drama & upset my older brother ‘caused’, so 10yo me thought I had to be invisible, or trouble free so as not to do the same. I squashed down my problems, my personality, anything I had going on, instead focussing on peace making and not being the ‘problem child’. My feelings and issues became secondary, I felt muted, and then minimising myself became second nature. It’s become a very hard habit to shake off.

I’m 40 now and after seeing several different therapists & occasional bouts off work for MH reasons over the years, I’m now on anti depressants after an eventual diagnosis of anxiety. So I’d say I’m still not free of it.

I wish my parents had stood up for me more.
I wish someone had noticed me gradually diminishing as a child.
I wish someone had noticed and done something, cos I was just a little kid.
I guess we all have childhood scars, our crosses to bear, but if you can head some of that off at the pass for your daughter OP, please do.

I have a similar but less severe scenario

12 year old is sensitive - and a divorce , new school and puberty hasn’t helped
Lots of meltdown, insecurity , challenging behaviour
9 year old is happy go lucky , Fairly resilient and more able to bounce back

During lockdown I was able to spend more 1:1 time with both which majorly helped

Also encourage separate interests

I know it could sound bad but developing techniques to calm elder massively been fits the younger one

I watched ted talks and you tube videos around both the explosive child and No
Drama discipline

The general consensus is that (a) your
Elder one hasn’t learnt skills to
Cope and that (b) a calmer , listening technique to handle meltdown really helps

I know this sounds like only
Focus on one , but Some different thinking and mindset really can help and will benefit everyone in the long run

Even though his life is ‘perfect’ , he clearly hasn’t learnt how to handle
Life setback and a different approach really helped me

And yes re hobby , my
Younger has joined a football team and having his own thing away from his sibling has really helped . It helps that they are
Old enough to leave for an hour or so

Having separate time , 1:1 time Really helps

And therapy , and be
Prepared to pay for it
I ended up going for fortnightly sessions as
Couldn’t afford every week

I don’t think you can get anything for free unfortunately
I know It’s hard financially but I would get a
Loan , cut back elsewhere and dip into savings to find therapy again if I had to

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what SEN you think he may have, then contact a relevant charity for that and then go on

However, if I am being brutally honest, I would expect to see something like autism or adhd in more than one setting. Eg, maybe they can manage school but day trips, out of school clubs and home are all a problem.

Equally, just because a child has sen or anxiety doesn't mean they should getaway with blue murder. It's a fine line to balance but you have to be on it, because letting him have his way ALL the time will definitely exacerbate whatever problems he does have.

Anxiety gets worse if you never have to deal with the thing that makes you anxious.

We have a similar situation (tho not the same as we know what trauma our daughter has suffered) and we found a group called the National association of therapeutic parenting (naotp.com) and it's been so helpful even just to hear other people's experiences and also to have an approach to follow that is helpful - we found all the other parenting advice just didn't apply and didn't work so finding something that actually works to diffuse the situation is amazing! It's not a cure but it's certainly helpful and the support is amazing for a really tiny monthly fee (less than mumsnet premium! 😁) - I think some of the Facebook groups are free and some you have to be a member but if you search you'll find them. It really helped just to realise others were going through the same and worse. And we use this with all of the children now because we've found that the other children have their own trauma through being siblings to a child with difficulties iyswim.

Yes, child psychiatry exists in the UK. Here's a link
www.psychiatry-uk.com/psychiatry-for-children/

Do you have family nearby that could take your daughter out on day trips? Or Family friends with children your de age? So she gets to have fun and time away?

Just general advice you might not have thought of.
Start to record life, especially if you can see a meltdown starting. You can set an iPad up in the corner of a room on motion sensitive. I'm not saying he sees any of this but if he's masking you need evidence.
When you've covered most of his triggers and behaviours book a private appointment. Ask to email videos over. You need to pat sadly but it'll be worth it as you'll all have a greater understanding.
One day is daddy day, one is mum day and swap. This includes meltdowns, it doesn't need both of you. One and dd should leave the room quietly.
They both deserve praise, his moments will probably be smaller but they both get praised when they deserve it.
It be paying for family counselling too if I could afford it, to find out how best to deal with both individually etc

Honestly OP, Nhs mental health services in the uk are very very poor, I am speaking from experience.

I would strongly recommend that you find a private psychiatrist and counsellor.

I paid for 5 years of private therapy and it absolutely saved my life.

You say he is completely different at home? How does he handle other kids being praised, not all attention on him in different settings, his behaviour with others. He does seem to have some sort of MH, but he may also be using this to his advantage as well. Your poor dd has come to you with something that is massively troubling her. She doesnt want you to praise her on the quiet, she wants to be treated fairly.

I would read up on positive behaviour support and ask CAMHS if it's something they can help with. I have two with autism and this technique has transformed dd's life.
We have always and still do divide and conquer to ensure that the ones without ASD got enough of our time and energy spent on them.

Clinical Partners offer private child psychiatrist services (they are also covering some of the Camhs asd & adhd refferals in my local area).
Have you tried Willows young carers for your daughter, my ds had 1-1 sessions with them and my dd went to group sessions for 12 weeks as their older sibling has asd with extreme behaviour issues (violent and abusive).
I understand how your feeling, as this is what our life is too. It's bloody miserable and certainly not the childhood that I wanted for my children, we rarely leave the house as ds1 (12) refuses and holidays and days out are impossible.
All the very best, I hope you get some assistance.

I had a sibling like this. It significantly affected my self-esteem and mental health, although at the time, as a child, you just put up with it as you don’t know how to vocalise or even access your emotions because you habitually push your feelings down to accommodate the drama going on around you. Teach your daughter to access and give voice to her emotions when she needs to.

I have had a lifetime of depression, anxiety and other MH issues. Luckily I have good people around me. The origins of my mental health problems go back to my upbringing and the dysfunction of my sibling and my parent’s attempts to cope with it. He disrupted my childhood, he intruded on my adolescence and beyond into adulthood. My parents simply didn’t know how to cope. My Dad just switched off emotionally and my Mother was so anxious the entire time, it in turn affected my sister and I. We both have anxiety due to the horrendous tip-toeing around my brother’s moods and outbursts which included knife attacks on my mother and threats to kill himself. When my brother was admitted to a young people’s mental health unit, it gave us some respite.

My brother died in his 40s due to alcoholism. This is probably not what you want to hear, but the impact on sibling children when the whole family is focussed on the child who is mentally ill is profound and long-lasting. Despite everything, I loved my brother and only ever wanted him to get better.

I do feel for you all and hope you can get the support and help you need.

@Frazzled193736

I have a 11 year old who has/can be very anxious. We had school refusal, etc. We ended up paying privately to see a therapist to help with the situation.

What jumped out at me in your post is that your home life is dictated by him - why? Anxiety can trigger certain behaviours but the child needs to know when the behaviour is unacceptable.

Is he told clearly and unequivocally when this is the case? Sorry this sounds like a criticism of your parenting - it's not. I'm just wondering if you have been so accommodating of his anxiety that the needs of the rest of the family have been put on hold.

i experienced this. my older sibling had OCD, anxiety and an eating disorder. whilst I have ASD I manage it relatively well and did well at school, behaved well, kept myself to myself, and generally just 'got on with it'. it frustrated and upset me that me and mum could never just do spontaneous stff on our own cuz my sibling was always there, and was needy and demanding and seemed self absorbed (althugh this wasn't my sibling's fault really). it felt unfair. but looking back , i definitely dont resent my mum for it. it's not her fault and im sure your daughter doesnt resent you. if she resents her older sibling, that is fair enough.

are there any support groups you or she can join??? one for siblings all going through similar things?? could anywhere in your area help to look after your more challenging child once every fortnght, so you and your dd could do something togeher, likegoing for a meal or having a girly day?? maybe there's some support available at school?? does your older child attend mainstream school - what sort of support is offered there?
xx

also as a poster above has said - i think it is important to not make excuses for your older child's behaviur. whilst obviously they have issues, which might in part explain their different behaviour, it's not an excuse for them to completely dominate family life. you're important too! as are the rest of your family!

I had this situation with my eldest sibling. Luckily I was a bit removed as I was no.3, but my middle sibling felt the full force of my parents’ desperation to please their eldest and avoid meltdowns. I suppose my dm would rationalise it as keeping the peace, but it got worse and worse and dsis would have the best of everything, including food, presents, let alone praise and attention, and dm would actually criticise my middle sibling and I to sort of “curry favour” with dsis as our failures made her happy (for five minutes).

He is confident, loud, friendly, chatty, class clown type of character. Noone outside the home would ever believe what he is truly like. He is a completely different person at home.

So he is able to control his behaviour in public? Sounds like you are enabling him and letting him be the centre of family life to the detriment of your daughter. Poor girl

OP whilst I do believe there is some issue here , please listen to all the posts that are also saying that he is manipulating the family to some extent.
He is able to control himself when it suits him. In the same way he is able to control the family when it suits him. He needs to be assessed to determined exactly what the problem is. So far he is holding everyone at his mercy and he is getting away with it.
A 9yo shouldnt have to come to their parents with this kind of problems troubling them. You are in a tough position, you are trying to make your dd happy but again it's still controlled under the terms of your ds.

Sorry I didnt mean that posters said he was manipulative. Just referred to those that said he is able to control himself when it suits

OP, I found this book extremely helpful when supporting DS
https://www.ebay.co.uk/p/86705257?iid=293604020811&chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=710-134428-41853-0&mkcid=2&itemid=293604020811&targetid=908661474856&device=m&mktype=pla&googleloc=9045572&poi=&campaignid=10204056441&mkgroupid=107296324212&rlsatarget=pla-908661474856&abcId=1145987&merchantid=7252904&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0sPu2fPb6gIVy7TtCh0IMwPGEAQYASABEgJcsDD_BwE
He sounds very much like your DS, he masked his issues at school, in public and at his CAHMS appointments, but then melted down at home. It really did feel like his meltdowns were ruling the home, I recognise that feeling well. The book helped me to understand how he was feeling and gave me some strategies to help him.
He's 16 now (his worst years were 7-12). As he's got older he's learnt ways to managed his anxiety, ticks and OCD behaviours, he found it better when we were working together and very much didn't react well to interactions with either school or CAHMS shutting down completely. I felt awful for the poor CAHNS worker - I think they thought he'd be an easy case as he was so chatty and mature at first, but as soon as she started to probe deeper he would just completely shut down and stop talking. In the end they signed him off and he had worked it out for himself, but it was a slow painful process!
DSD would sometimes miss out as he wouldn't go to certain places to eat, had his own plates/cutlery, etc and she couldn't understand why he got special treatment. DP and I would take her to places she liked when he was off with his mates, he was never really bothered that we did that - there was no jealously or feeling if missing out, luckily, he was happy for us to do it without him as he just wanted to avoid it.
I imagine our case was easier as DSD had relief from it all at her mums and DS would also mask in front of her most of the time.

It may be worth looking in the mind website. They have resources for parents and the wider family as well as the young person. They have a number you can call for support, who will signpost you to local services www.mind.org.uk

We had a simlar but not as severe situation here. AS dd2 said once "it is like the dd1 show is playing here all the time"

I honestly think you haven't got to the bottom of what is really going on with your ds - a diagnosis should help a lot. I hope someone in the UK can help you figure out how to get that. We had a good neuro-psych assessment which really helped figure out not just the depression/anxiety but how our child's brain works.

What helped for us was:

A fantastic family therapist whose main focus was dd1 but also saw any member of the family and facilitated some really great conversations between the siblings about how they felt/reacted etc.
We are not in the UK but we had to pay privately for this and we went for years.

Not ignoring the strengths and achievements of the others and not allowing the narrative "well it is so easy for her" to go unchallenged. Yes it is a lot easier but that doesn't mean it doesn't also require a lot of hard work too.

Trying to stay out of normal interactions in the family - not smooth everything out. my youngest was the only one who didn't tiptoe around dd1 and even dd1 recognised that she was paying her the compliment of believing she was stronger and more capable than we did.

Actually talking about it with everyone and not pretending everything was fine. tbh though I wonder how we would have managed without that therapist.

If it is any help dd1 is now happy, in university with lots of friends, managing her workload and doing really well academically (we also had the homework screaming heebeejeebies for years).

So nothing seems to make a difference for your son. It will make a difference for your DD though. Take her out by herself. Let her have a laugh with you. Doesn't have to be about good behaviour, just relationship.

It is hard on siblings, my eldest had anorexia for several years and it took absolutely all my energy to care for her,which was detrimental to her younger siblings, even now they (jokingly?? )say i love their sister more than them because when she was seriously ill I gave her all my time. Like you i could see it happening but didn't have any energy or resources left after caring for anorexic DD. Cahms gave us one session of individual family therapy ( painful!) and one block of group family therapy sessions held every day for a week during half term so also not great for siblings!! But they don't really have the resources to help the patient let alone support patients family as well.
If you have a supportive DH or family can you take your DD out once a month, just you and her for a treat? Also do the same with DS. I think its important to acknowledge how she feels and that it isnt really fair but keep telling her how much you love her and try and spend as much time as you can with her 1:1. I would still praise her, even if you have to do it out of ds hearing just to make life easier. Also please try and make time for yourself even if its just bolting the bathroom door at the end of the day to have a long relaxing soak in the bath and dont be hard on yourself, you are doing an amazing job. Good luck