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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for getting cross with DH for not being able to do simple housework?

40 replies

Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 16:36

What am I to do?

I am trying to write essays etc for uni. DH is currently looking for work. I asked him today to do some housework and sweep and mop as I have to write an essay. He spends most the day on his phone, doing the odd bit of housework, then when I ask again, mops without sweeping/hoovering first, so there is still dirt on the floor. I have no words. I got cross and then he gets cross at me for criticising him.

He has far less on than me right now, but I feel like the children and housework are still mostly my responsibility. He feels like he is helping me out.

What can I do? It is driving me around the twist.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2020 16:40

It's not that he "can't" do the housework properly, he just can't be arsed. I would be as furious as you are.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 16:42

Aquamarine - he just cant be arsed. I am sooooo angry right now. He cant clean one room and is just grumpy.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2020 16:43

There's an excellent book called Wifework which explains this.

Unless he is incompetent in other areas of his life, he is doing a bad job in the hope of shifting responsibility to you for housework.

Don't fix his mistake - he needs to wait for the floor to dry, then sweep, then wash again.

Dozer · 19/07/2020 16:44

Your DP is sexist. That’s shitty.

Candyflosscookie · 19/07/2020 16:52

I don't even see it as "helping" as again that implies the core responsibility is yours simply because you are female.
Don't give in. He's hoping you'll give up and do it all. Sexist twat.

for getting cross with DH for not being able to do simple housework?
Loveinatimeofcovid · 19/07/2020 16:54

He’s an arsehole.

vikingwife · 19/07/2020 16:54

So he has never mopped a floor then? Not sweeping before mopping is a waste of time. That sounds annoying, does he not know that you sweep a floor prior to mopping ??

MoggyMittens23 · 19/07/2020 16:54

Well is this a new thing or has he always been like this?

teaflake · 19/07/2020 16:54

I love that, @Candyflosscookie!

RednaxelasLunch · 19/07/2020 16:56

Tell him to do it again properly. Do not cover for him. If he does it badly again the second time, don't cave. Tell him to do it properly.

He is doing it on purpose because he is a sexist twat.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 16:57

Exactky - helping me is implying it is my repsonsibility.

I have been the SAMH and he has been working. But now the tables have turned and I am doing full time study which includes a work placement (remotely at mom) As it is unpaid, he does not see value in it. At the moment, I dont feel I can finish my work/essays in time. I am under huge stress and he is just making it worse. He gets angry with the children and doesnt do much with them or do any cleaning. It is just so tough.

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 19/07/2020 16:57

He's doing a shit job on purpose so you don't ask again or do it yourself.

It's not exactly a difficult task is it, cleaning.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 17:01

Viking - he couldnt find the broom so decided that he would mop then sweep.

Moggy, sort of, though it is very bad at moment as he has MH issues (of which he is denial about) and a slight drinking issue. He doesnt take care of himself, no motivation. So yes he is not in a good place. But he has oodles of time to look on his phone. We are currently trying to work on his issues by way. But I just need these two weeks for him to step up or I will not pass this year. He keeps saying all I care about is my essays which is v upsetting.

If I dont pass the year, I will have to pay £8000 to do another year uni and will not be able to work for another year, so yes it is a big deal.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 19/07/2020 17:05

oh God he sounds like a twat.

Right now, I would just ignore the state of the house. A filthy floor is depressing but you won't die in 2 weeks. You don't have time to teach him, argue with him, manage him or do the housework. Concentrate on getting through your placement. Ignore him. Put the kids in front of the telly if you have to. Give them toast.

After 2 weeks, regroup. Have a proper discussion about where you go from here. But shelve it for now.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 17:08

Permanent - good suggestion I think. I cant concentrate on all of what you say right now. I just need to finish. Then Ill have more time to work on everything else. It just makes me so upset as ive always done so much when he is working and kept the children out of his hair and out of the house. Thank you.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 19/07/2020 17:26

He's doing it wrong on purpose so you won't ask him again.

Tell him his little-boy strategy failed and he's a lazy slob.

Give the slob a worksheet , explaining in detailed order how to do one simple domestic task, and say it's time to prove he's a real man.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 19/07/2020 17:29

He has just found the broom and now has swept and made things a little neater, before going back to his phone. If I complain the room is half done, he tells me I expect him to be like our cleaner (who has not been since March by way) He feels my expectations are too high. I feel his work is just slobby.

OP posts:
nexus63 · 19/07/2020 17:29

i know how you feel sort of... my partner/companion do not live together, been with him 18 years, saw him last weekend for the first time since lockdown, had to keep reminding him i am not there to clean up after him, dribbling at the toilet, leaving stains in loo, making his dinner and leaving marks on the work top or dropping bits on kitchen floor, trying to explain that this pandemic is not over and we need to be a bit more extra clean....get your essays done, forget the house work, as long as the kids are ok and fed then leave the rest, it will still be there in 2 weeks, i wish you lots of luck with you uni work x

Crankley · 19/07/2020 17:30

I don't understand why women get into a serious relationship with a man who is a professional incompetent when it comes to housework. It shows zero respect for the woman - he thinks he's better than you, thinks it's acceptable for the woman to be the domestic drudge.

Knowing this, why does the woman go on to marry and have children with him and suddenly expect him to morph into an adult male who shares responsibility 50/50 with his partner/wife of housework/ childcare.

Why do you think these men will suddenly change, irrelevant of the circumstances? They invariably don't.

mysonusestoomuchslang · 19/07/2020 17:33

he is a sexist, lazy asshole who expects you to do the work. keep the kids leave the man.

Atadaddicted · 19/07/2020 17:33

I am very house proud

Others aren’t and I accept that.

So whilst you wanted the floor cleaned today. He wasn’t bothered.
I don’t think you can get too angry with him.

NearlyGranny · 19/07/2020 17:35

Let the notion of a clean house go. Just... Let It Go. Sing if you need to. Aloud whenever possible. Nobody's coming over anyway, are they? Stop picking up the jobs you used to do. Ask him what's for dinner.

Google "You should have asked" by Emma. It's a cartoon strip. Read it and share it with him, proceed.

And let him work on his issues; you have enough to do. If you work on them together any failure on his part will inevitably be blamed on you.

Rearranging the dirt is not cleaning. It might be Art, but if nobody's paying to come in and look, what's the point?

Strawberrycreamsundae · 19/07/2020 17:36

I’m on the verge of leaving my H after 40+ years of pure slobbery. He deliberately does any housework badly then gets shitty if I say anything. I’ve had enough.

Smallsteps88 · 19/07/2020 17:36

He sounds like my teenage soon who does all he can to avoid housework then half asses it when he is forced to. I don’t get angry anymore. I just call him back and say “you haven’t finished the floor.” He’ll say [outraged] “I have! I’ve done it.” And i’ll Say “you did some of it, but you havent done it all. The floor isn’t done until it’s all done. You need to finish the job.” Then when it’s done I say “it would have taken you less effort to do it all fully on your first attempt. “

If he treating your husband the same. No anger, but patronise him like a clueless child.

Atadaddicted · 19/07/2020 17:36

If someone told me.... the kitchen cupboard doors needed doing today, I’d do a half arsed job because I’m not bothered about them today and a quick flick of the cloth would be an improvement but not something I’m going to really engage with