for getting cross with DH for not being able to do simple housework?

[Yolo89]

What am I to do?

I am trying to write essays etc for uni. DH is currently looking for work. I asked him today to do some housework and sweep and mop as I have to write an essay. He spends most the day on his phone, doing the odd bit of housework, then when I ask again, mops without sweeping/hoovering first, so there is still dirt on the floor. I have no words. I got cross and then he gets cross at me for criticising him.

He has far less on than me right now, but I feel like the children and housework are still mostly my responsibility. He feels like he is helping me out.

What can I do? It is driving me around the twist.

Another suggestion to read 'Wife Work' - once you've finshed your stressful essays.
Explain to him things will have to change now you're going back to work. You are two adults in a partnership, while you were happy to take on most of the housework before does not mean forever, no matter the circumstances. Tell him how the chores will need to be split going forward - write a list. If you have DCs include them too. Or say 'Or we could pay for a cleaner?'(if money allows)? He sees this stuff as wife work, below him and is happy to let you mop up behind him. He is perfetly capable of doing a good job. Stick with it, no overnight fixes I'm afraid.

It's not that he can't do it.

It's that he won't do it.

He is choosing to be bone idle and thinks someone else (you) should pick up after him.

So whilst you wanted the floor cleaned today. He wasn’t bothered.
I don’t think you can get too angry with him.
Funny how some men never seem bothered about housework, never see the mess, never think jobs need doing.

The idea women shouldn't be angry about these overgrown man children who think the women in their lives should clean up after them is precisely part of the problem.

Even on here people make all kinds of excuses for these feckless men and act like it's inevitable that women will settle down with someone who refuses to do their share.

As a class we need to be saying it's simply not good enough to expect a wife/partner to be your live in maid. Women aren't responsible for men who are lazy arseholes, but we sure as hell can stop sleeping with them, settling down with them and enabling them.

I am hopeless at cleaning/tidying.
My DH has far higher standards, so he does it. I think, if you are house proud, you find it hard to understand that your 'house sharer' genuinely doesn't see mess in the same way as you do. I respect DH's point of view and try to be tidy, I clean up dirt but to sweep and mop would only be necessary in my eyes in extremely muddy or similar circumstances. DH always does the kitchen floor that way.

Given what you say about the cost involved if you fail this year at Uni and don't do your placement/assignment I think you should concentrate on finishing that - and park thoughts of housework. If it slides into chaos so be it, but your priority has to be to finish the year successfully. So don't worry about housework and floors - they are distractions which de-focus you from your main goal.

Once you have passed the year and finished placement/assessments then you can consider if you want to remain with DH or whether being with a hapless man-child 24/7 is too draining.

If you've concentrated on the main goal in the first place you'll be in a stronger position to sort yourself financially whatever you decide.

OP unless he has spent time watching someone cleaning the floor, or you explained exactly how you wanted it done why assume he knows how to do it?

I mean he's obviously earned enough in the past for you to be a SAHM and have a cleaner, so you've had fairly clearly defined roles; now that's reversed and you seem to be treating him like a lazy, incompetent idiot. So he doesn't know where the broom is, or how to clean a floor, why should he? If you show him and he still mucks it up that is the time to question his motives.

If you'd come on here complaining that your DH expected you do perform a task perfectly the first time without telling you how, you would get sympathy (and probably told to ltb).

Of course on MN all men are lazy, incompetent idiots anyway ...

@Crankley

I don't understand why women get into a serious relationship with a man who is a professional incompetent when it comes to housework. It shows zero respect for the woman - he thinks he's better than you, thinks it's acceptable for the woman to be the domestic drudge.

Knowing this, why does the woman go on to marry and have children with him and suddenly expect him to morph into an adult male who shares responsibility 50/50 with his partner/wife of housework/ childcare.

Why do you think these men will suddenly change, irrelevant of the circumstances? They invariably don't.

👏👏

@forgetthehousework are you seriously suggesting that a grown man needs to be shown how to sweep and mop a floor?

Really? Really really? Just how absolutely pathetic and incapable are the men you know? Something like rebuilding a car engine or hanging wallpaper for the first time, sure, show them (or just fucking Google/YouTube it) but he needs to have a full demo of how to do THAT? No fucking way. Stop making excuses for his lazy ass.

@Candyflosscookie, my DP swore blind he had no idea that you had to sweep before mopping.

He knows now, and I doubt if he'll ever "forget" again.

The one good thing about my ex was that he was brilliant at cleaning. He was reluctant to start, but once he got started, he was so thorough. He's the only man I know who thought to wipe the dust off the shower rail when cleaning the bathroom, or to dust lampshades, except for my late father.

The one thing they had in common was that they were both ex-RN. I wonder if they get taught how to clean in the Navy?

I mean he's obviously earned enough in the past for you to be a SAHM and have a cleaner, so you've had fairly clearly defined roles; now that's reversed and you seem to be treating him like a lazy, incompetent idiot. So he doesn't know where the broom is, or how to clean a floor, why should he?
I read this and thought it was satire, then the rest of the post showed it was serious.

Poor menz don't know how to use a broom unless wifey shows them. It's so unreasonable for a man to behave like a functioning adult.

I'm guessing if he does the housework the OP should also be ready to be full of praise so that he knows she really values his 'helping' around the house? Maybe a sticker chart would help him too, the OP could write a chore chart and the days and then at the end of the week he gets laid if he's a good little man.

Yolo89 Required reading for the unemancipated or 'helpful' DH, the one who says 'what do you want me to do?' repeatedly, like that won't push the big red button...
english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Extracts got stuck up in the kitchen a week into lockdown. Now the DH &DSs, the cat, the dog, and the goldfish ALL get it

"I mean he's obviously earned enough in the past for you to be a SAHM and have a cleaner, so you've had fairly clearly defined roles; now that's reversed and you seem to be treating him like a lazy, incompetent idiot. So he doesn't know where the broom is, or how to clean a floor, why should he?"

FFS. I thought people like this had died out in the 50s.

Right now, I would just ignore the state of the house. A filthy floor is depressing but you won't die in 2 weeks. You don't have time to teach him, argue with him, manage him or do the housework. Concentrate on getting through your placement. Ignore him. Put the kids in front of the telly if you have to. Give them toast.

^This

Tell him that you have to get this essay done to pass your Uni course otherwise it's going to cost the family £8000 not to mention a year of lost wages while you resit so, for the next 2 weeks, you'll be locking yourself away and leaving him in charge of the DC and house between the hours of 9-5 (or whatever) and you don't expected to be disturbed unless the house is on fire or o e of the DC is dying.

I bet he come out with "I've done the hoovering/washing up/whatever for you " and "let me know if you need any help", doesn't he? These phrases really make me see red and, as in the post above, "You fucking live here" stop subtly absolving yourself of any responsibility.

By the way, good luck with the essays and uni course.

If you'd come on here complaining that your DH expected you do perform a task perfectly the first time without telling you how, you would get sympathy (and probably told to ltb).

I'd have googled it. Like I do for stain removal tips, how to top up the coolant in the car when it ran out, what PSI my tyres need to be, how to clean out the dishwasher blades, stuff like etc. I might not be hugely comfortable with some of these things first time because typically my husband is the one who does most of the driving, but I'm not so useless I can't work out most of it, and look it up if I'm not sure.

And yes, there are instructions for how to mop the floor on Google. Step two is to sweep, after clearing the area.

This is a good read and really resonated in previous relationships. Death by a thousand papercuts and all that.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb9055288?guccounter=1&gucereferrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guceereferrersig=AQAAAF1mmLWKf0vD0Tzqp5USLMe1JQOvofKC3VOhKmIPLYq35UomEOmhdEmRgUWAAhd15KB12IjgukENHun1MAavK2oYWiV0Ar2fLFVP2nS6mPb6kwQIaN00tCDNNHFVl0me5c9PfdFXqnHj9Zxb6SQpFOJl-HIR7L5QBXkPyyfdQri