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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

have i behaved like an arse- family argument

39 replies

sussexmum · 19/07/2020 12:28

so, long story: boring week, the usual dog walks, work, home schooling 3 kids. dd increasingly relucant to come on walks. dh and ds 2 and 3 off on really fun bike rides friday and sat leaving and dd to do stuff together, all fine but i was hoping for a family day out today, just a change of scene at the beach, get everyone in car. dh informs me the weather foul at beach so i realise it was a silly idea and suggest change of plan. cue huge row about where to go, dd still wants beach, boys want walk dd and i have done loads when theyve been biking , turn car round, culminating in tiny crap dog walk behind house in rain, still rowing. dh muttering darkly about how "we're all doing exactly what you want to do" and me trying to explain my rationale. dd peels off and goes home in protest. i say at least now we have option of change of scene after lunch when forecast better, dh says i will have had a glass of wine so wont be an option, i say i won't, just would love to get outta town as a family. on return i apologose to dd for rowing, explain this happens between all parents sometimes (rare for us) dh says nothing. i then say no worries we can have special lunch which dh had been planning, then go to beach in afteroon when weather better, dd seems fine with that. dh then points out in front of dd that this might not happen as it takes too long and the whole thing errupts again, dd who is 12 btw leaves room and i say i feel undermined. dh replies again about doing what i want at this point l lose temper, call him a dick and stomp off to room. i think ive behaved like a child? help.

OP posts:
Jaynesworld · 19/07/2020 12:40

From what I can gather your dh was being a dick. He waits until you get in the car to say the weathers crap and then moans all day that you wanted to just go out as a family somewhere....

sussexmum · 19/07/2020 12:44

thanks @jaynesworld. he just came up to say soz for nothing particular but when i suggested checking in with dd (now locked in room) he ran away. guess its just a family in lockdown on a rainy sunday.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 19/07/2020 12:48

Sounds tense I'd let it all cool down I get you wanted to get everyone out and about but maybe it's just too much, message your dd ask if she is ok and leave her for a bit,

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 12:53

I would have pushed on for the beach. I wouldn’t have wanted to go back out again after returning and waiting about incase the sun comes back out.

TheHoneyBadger · 19/07/2020 12:54

Message your dd saying are you ok, love you. Consider just you and dd going to the beach together and having a nice treat of some kind.

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 13:08

I couldn’t follow that post at all Confused

lilgreen · 19/07/2020 13:19

Does DH not drive? Why did he mention you having wine?

lyralalala · 19/07/2020 13:20

Does your DH do anything with your DD or just with your DS's?

Does he not realise that maybe she'd like to spend some time with him?

QueSera · 19/07/2020 13:26

Message your dd saying are you ok, love you. Consider just you and dd going to the beach together and having a nice treat of some kind.

Agree with this. If no one else wants to go, they don't have to. I don't really understand why the beach trip got cancelled - what's the difference between a walk on the beach in bad weather and a walk anywhere in bad weather?
Explosive family situations are (I imagine) getting more common with lockdown etc. Try to stay calm OP. You're not alone.

welcometohell · 19/07/2020 13:33

Your post is a little difficult to follow but from what I can gather, you haven't behaved like a child at all. You've tried to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one, so I think it's natural to be frustrated! Your DH sounds like he's happy to go off and entertain your DS's because they enjoy the same things he does, but what about your DD? Does she get to spend time with him? YANBU to want to do something all together as a family and your DH shouldn't be undermining you in front of your DC.

VeganVeal · 19/07/2020 13:36

You all sound stressed and are all being dicks.....lol. Agree with pp's, just take your daughter to the beach and have a nice afternoon together

GarlicMcAtackney · 19/07/2020 13:39

Me neither, hearts
There’s nothing to row about- we’ll go to a beach. Oh wait, no we won’t. No need for fighting each other.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 19/07/2020 13:39

Sounds to me like your dh is neglecting his responsibility to parent DD and doing all his fun stuff with the boys. I think the fault is his.

Bluetrews25 · 19/07/2020 13:43

At 12 she might feel a bit beyond family days out.
Not everyone enjoys that kind of thing. And from what you've written she didn't seem to want to be joining in, no matter what you did.
She is old enough to be left at home if you all wanted x but only she wanted y, which seemed to be how the row started, if I've read you right.

1forAll74 · 19/07/2020 13:44

You are lucky to live somewhere near a beach, all the other things are a bit silly to mention.

mbosnz · 19/07/2020 13:48

It sounds like you're all a bit fed up with life. Understandably!

back2good · 19/07/2020 13:54

Sounds like Dh only wants to do the 'fun' things he enjoys with DSs and won't make an effort to include you and DD.

At least that's how it comes across.

LEELULUMPKIN · 19/07/2020 14:00

It all sounds a bit "forced fun" tbh. I think you all need to chill out.

SunbathingDragon · 19/07/2020 14:01

I couldn’t really follow that but it sounds like you are both being grumpy and probably stressed.

MyGirlDaisy · 19/07/2020 14:09

Stomping off was childish but to be honest all sounds like a lot of hot air over nothing. Chill out, tomorrow is another day.

Charleyhorses · 19/07/2020 14:11

Aw bollocks. Stick em in the car and go to McDonald's or order a pizza in.

WillowintheUK · 19/07/2020 14:11

@heartsonacake

I couldn’t follow that post at all Confused
Nor me - seems like a family disagreement, but with words missing.
WeAllHaveWings · 19/07/2020 14:11

Did your dh and ds's want to go on a "family day out" to the beach or were they coerced/only coming along out of duty. It is never going to end well if half the family are being dragged along thinking "do really we have to?"

Are you and your dd hanging around waiting/a bit jealous of the "fun" dh and ds's have cycling together? What is your dd's "fun" thing she enjoys doing independently or with you/dh? Something she really enjoys and is keen to do. If she doesn't have something it is time to help her find it.

Zilla1 · 19/07/2020 14:12

It's difficult to be certain whether you were justified but with 'l lose temper, call him a dick ' It sounds like you escalated it at the end, OP.

Also, when you played the 'undermining' card, did you agree things in advance with your DP before saying anything to your DC or just say things and then presume silence is assent and make your DP disagree? If the latter then I would find making the 'undermining' comment also acting like a dick.

So, it could either range from your DP being a dick to you being 2 for 2 in the 'being a dick' stakes.

It sounds like your DP sees the dynamic as you saying what will happen and him either having to comply or be the bad guy. Now he could be right, wrong, or the reality be somewhere in-between. Most people don't have much self awareness, IME, so if that is his view, it could be true or just fall out of his own, subconscious 'my way or the highway' default.

Good luck.

BumbleBeee69 · 19/07/2020 14:12

I love the beach in the rain.... I'd have continued to the beach OP.. plus i think your DH was being a prick Flowers