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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

have i behaved like an arse- family argument

39 replies

sussexmum · 19/07/2020 12:28

so, long story: boring week, the usual dog walks, work, home schooling 3 kids. dd increasingly relucant to come on walks. dh and ds 2 and 3 off on really fun bike rides friday and sat leaving and dd to do stuff together, all fine but i was hoping for a family day out today, just a change of scene at the beach, get everyone in car. dh informs me the weather foul at beach so i realise it was a silly idea and suggest change of plan. cue huge row about where to go, dd still wants beach, boys want walk dd and i have done loads when theyve been biking , turn car round, culminating in tiny crap dog walk behind house in rain, still rowing. dh muttering darkly about how "we're all doing exactly what you want to do" and me trying to explain my rationale. dd peels off and goes home in protest. i say at least now we have option of change of scene after lunch when forecast better, dh says i will have had a glass of wine so wont be an option, i say i won't, just would love to get outta town as a family. on return i apologose to dd for rowing, explain this happens between all parents sometimes (rare for us) dh says nothing. i then say no worries we can have special lunch which dh had been planning, then go to beach in afteroon when weather better, dd seems fine with that. dh then points out in front of dd that this might not happen as it takes too long and the whole thing errupts again, dd who is 12 btw leaves room and i say i feel undermined. dh replies again about doing what i want at this point l lose temper, call him a dick and stomp off to room. i think ive behaved like a child? help.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/07/2020 14:14

Doesn’t DD enjoy cycling?

If DH and the DSs chose their activities for 2 days, DD’s turn to get to choose IMO!

Ragwort · 19/07/2020 14:15

I think many of us are getting totally fed up and the slightest thing sets us off ... many of us have been cooped up with our family for so long and the choice of activities is very limited. I even went to work this morning (no need to) just to get away from my DH & DS Blush.

Why don't you try and plan something nice for you to do on your own & leave the DC with DH for a day/half a day?

giantangryrooster · 19/07/2020 14:27

Your dd is probably quite fed up of you both.

What you could have done, was to have gone to the beach, restaurant for lunch, pamper day ect. with your dd, when the others were out enjoying themselves.

Of course you should be able to go out as a family. Plan in advance eg check the forecast before you are in the car.

But dragging your dd out for one walk after the other doesn't seem that fun, compared to what the others did. Neither you nor your husband seem to take her into account. And as a side note, it seems dh can plan, since it was a two day cycling trip Hmm.

BabyBrainJane · 19/07/2020 14:28

Sounds like the lot of you were in a bad mood and then you tried too hard to “family time” your way out of it.

Sometimes when I’m in a grump I think that me and DH (No kids yet) spending “quality time” together is the solution to cheer me up. It never works because it’s too much pressure for us both and unless it’s a beautiful sunny day going out is crap.

Sometimes everyone would be better off reading/watching tv/going on a walk/ playing computer games by themselves and reducing time spent together x

Brefugee · 19/07/2020 14:34

how come dd never gets to go on bike rides with DH and the DSs? i couldn't really follow the gist of the OP but DH sounds like a bit of a dick.

AnneOfQueenSables · 19/07/2020 14:37

I didn't think the DH was leaving the DD out. I thought DD didn't want to go on the walks and bike rides so OP tried to gee her up with a day at the beach. Then they weren't going to the beach. Then OP did want to go to the beach.
All the toing and froing would annoy me. You should have went to the beach in the rain or when you were all in the car, you should have picked somewhere else to go instead. Going back home wasn't a good response if you wanted everyone out together for the day.

sussexmum · 19/07/2020 14:38

thanks for the advice everyone sorry post was convoluted we have had a chat about the 'real' issue - ie that he could do more with dd. good ole mumsnet i hardly got flamed at all Grin

OP posts:
Chungus · 19/07/2020 14:44

I'm not fussed about people writing in perfect English, but it really annoys me when people leave words out in every sentence. It makes the should-be-simple task of reading hard work. Just use all the words. And past tense.

3cats · 19/07/2020 14:55

Yes, I think you have gotten to the real problem of him not spending time with your DD too. I hope he can take this on board.

I hope your day improves. Flowers

diddl · 19/07/2020 14:59

Presumably your daughter could have gone on the bike rides if she'd wanted to?

Although if she doesn't like to then that automatically precludes her.

I think that you should have gone to the beach tbh.

What is foul weather as far as the beach is concerned-anything but sunbathing weather?

Well it sounds as if your husband & sons have been doing what they wanted so why shouldn't they fit into someone else's plans?

Mrsjayy · 19/07/2020 15:09

If he has got in the thing of doing the sons and leaving his daughter out she will feel it he needs to take an interest and not treat her differently .

sussexmum · 19/07/2020 15:10

yes (most of) the replies have been so helpful, its helped me clarify the real issue: factoring in dd 's (and my) wishes and trying to find a sane way to communicate with dh, also making sure dh and ds dont just do whatever they want the whole time. i do spend quality time with dd, taking her out for ice cream/book shops or whatver she chooses but i realise i'm the only one who does this, so our family is factioning off in to 2 quite gendered groupings. yes with limited choices atm all at close quarters i sometimes find my choices have been pre-dictated by dh which really triggers me. as a certain blond bumbler might say i need to "take back control"

OP posts:
sussexmum · 19/07/2020 18:20

oooh yes deep @Zilla1 i need to have a think about yours and others replies. i think there is a small issue about dp and dds relationship, ours too, i think I'm quite immature in terms of emotional communication and taking responsibility, but also dp is quite controlling and has his 'bloke goggles" on as a way of life. i have bought a couple of parenting books for us to read.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 19/07/2020 19:58

It sounds like you're giving this some thought, OP, which is good. Good luck.

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