Ex taking DS away with telling me

[ChoooChooo123]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so sorry if it's in the wrong place!

Have awful relationship with my ex, all communication about our DS is through a family member of mine due to abusive messages from him.

He has DS this weekend, Friday to Monday. Asked if could have him until Tuesday as they wanted to do something Monday evening. I said yes ok.

I was talking to a mutual friend today who said it must be nice for my DS to have a trip away. I asked what they meant and they said that my ex has taken DS on a mini holiday in the UK. I asked where, they weren't sure on exact place but thought it was around 7 hours from where we live.

Is this ok? I would never stop my ex from taking DS away but I have no idea where he currently is?

Please tell me if I'm being silly

Title should say without telling me

It’s weird yes but your ex sounds like an abusive weirdo. If you think your son isn’t safe with his dad then you could block access and take it to court.

I’m not sure I see the problem, do you tell him whenever you take him away? If you don’t communicate then how was he meant to tell you.

If you took your child away somewhere, would you tell your ex?

I'm guessing not, therefore YABU.

Yes you are being 'silly'. Don't try and cause drama he is the childs dad he can take the child away if he wants. The same as you can take the child away without having to inform him.

Ok fair enough, thanks for everyone's replies. I always send a message to him via family member if I take DS away to tell him, just in case anything happened but I guess that's just me. Am not trying to cause any drama - have had years of abusive messages from ex but am still trying to co parent amicably!

YABU...He has every right to take a holiday with his son on his time. Just like you have that right too

It would be better if you could communicate with each other but you clearly can't
Yes it would have been better to tell you but so long as your child hasn't been put at risk then it really doesn't matter.

It's not reasonable for you to always tell your ex what you are doing when your child is with you and the same applies when your child is with their other parent

I still don’t see the big deal and honestly I doubt you do tell him every time you take your son away, he isn’t abroad, you would have a point then, but he can go where he likes with him in his time .

I have location disclosure in my child arrangements order due to prior safe guarding issues.

In most scenarios though, you have to allow a parent to have privacy with their children, both ways. And that can also mean not telling you where they are.

It is a bit weird though. Why would you think that your ex wouldn't disclose?

It would have been nice to have been told and I would also feel a bit WTF? if I suddenly didn't know where in the UK my kids were and the lie about 'doing something' Monday evening would not improve my sense of WTF?

Sadly as others have said, so long as he's picking them up and dropping off to you safely then you have no real grounds for complaint.

I do tell my kids dad if we're going away, I'm not obligated to do so but it's hardly an effort to tap out a text and there's no reason not to tell him, If a bomb goes off in London or there's a train crash up north I wouldn't want him (or anyone) worrying unnecessarily that the kids might be caught up in it.

I am one of them that would like to know for my own piece of mind. I don't think your wanting to know to cause any drama but just more because you want to know roughly where your son is. When your partner has access he can take him where he pleases within reasons but to inform the other parent is just common courtesy. I would still inform your ex when you take your ds away in the future and rise above it. You could always ask your family contact if your concerned in the future.

Location disclosure to a coparent is basic common decency, however doesnt sound like thats one of your ex's assets. Im sure your friend felt uncomfortable knowing where your child was when you didnt too. YANBU.

Seven hours travel time but despite knowing that the friend didn't know (or forgot) the place name when they realised you didn't know about it.

I would be on edge too, I really would. But unless you have reason to think otherwise, it is likely he's just being a dick for the sake of it rather than anything sinister.
Is he seeing anyone?

What a cruel and bizarre world we live in that a mum feels silly when she has no idea where her child is.
Simply because the relationship with their father is rubbish means that your child could be anywhere but you don't get to know.
If this was a school trip and teachers took him away you would get an itinerary.
What if they lockdown the town he's visiting - when do you get to know?
It sounds like a crap situation, you have my sympathy.

I don’t get this “father has a right to take the child anywhere he likes within the UK”. The father has not borrowed a duffel bag or taken the formerly shared hamster, it’s this woman’s child and she has no idea where in Britain he currently is.

I think that getting divorced does not mean you stop being a caring parent when the other parent is with your child. Of course I’d want to know, and him not telling you is (imo) a way of feeling he has power over you.

I think it's absolutely understandable that you want to know where your child is. That doesn't mean he needs to ask permission or run every little thing by you but 'we're going away for a few days to..., back Monday' is surely the least you could expect.

I find it quite strange that some of the other responses seem to think you don't need to be told.

Again, thank you for the responses! For context, DS is 4.

I am not not wanting ex to ask permission to take him away, he can do what he likes on his time. I just thought common courtesy would be to say that he wants to take DS away for a few days so could he have him an extra night (instead of lying). I will always let ex know if I am taking DS away so I guess I just expected the same in return.

I'm sure my son is having a whale of a time, it just makes me feel a little uneasy not having a clue where in the country he is.

YABU. He doesn’t need to tell you where they’re going or what they’re doing; it’s none of your business when it’s on his contact time.

Either this man is dangerous and abusive or he’s not.

Common courtesy doesn’t feature in abusers minds. Why would you suddenly expect that of him?

I wouldn’t trust my ex to take my ds after the one time I did and he used it against me.

I gave him a chance and he went off the radar for the day. He got a massive abusers hard on for making me so nervous.

Never again. Now we don’t even know where ex is and he’s blocked from contacting me. Good riddance to bad rubbish. My son could contact his dad now if he wanted to, but he doesn’t.

My ex is and always will be a poor parent because he’s fuelled by the hatred of me because I don’t allow him any control, he also has and only ever will put himself first in all circumstances

I wouldn’t leave a plant with him.

Actually I did once, and he killed it on purpose.

@MzHz What you said here sums up my ex perfectly:

My ex is and always will be a poor parent because he’s fuelled by the hatred of me because I don’t allow him any control, he also has and only ever will put himself first in all circumstances.

He can't ever think clearly as his hatred for me clouds his brain. He knows I'd never say no you can't take him away, but chooses to keep me in the dark as he knows it would unsettle me.

I personally find it strange that he asked could he have him until Tuesday because they wanted to do something on Monday evening but it seems more like he wanted him until Tuesday as they are away. Without that I’d say it felt a bit uncomfortable but not entirely unreasonable.

[quote ChoooChooo123]@MzHz What you said here sums up my ex perfectly:

My ex is and always will be a poor parent because he’s fuelled by the hatred of me because I don’t allow him any control, he also has and only ever will put himself first in all circumstances.

He can't ever think clearly as his hatred for me clouds his brain. He knows I'd never say no you can't take him away, but chooses to keep me in the dark as he knows it would unsettle me. [/quote]
Almost to a T, these abusers are all the same.

They clearly have a manual

The methods alter slightly as our own pressure points vary from one victim to another

During the lovebombing/ensnarement phases they work out what will work best, where our Achilles heel is.

The kids are always a good bet.

For me, for the Op, if refuse all requests from now on if at all possible

He’s deceived her on purpose, for no other reason than to get one over on her.

Maybe he felt that if he told you, you'd start asking many questions and find reasons why he wasn't doing it right. Very common. Or worse that you might decide he couldn't go and refuse to hand him over.

In my experience, these are the main reason when a father gives as little information as possible.

I'd hate not knowing where my 4yo was, so I do feel for you. You do need to learn to communicate better and not make this a controlling matter between the two of you.