To take my kids in a motorhome for day out and overnight

[Smidwifes]

Background: DM bought a motorhome with plans to travel when retirement looms. She's been on a weekend away since lockdown eased. Spent some money getting it up to scratch.

DM asked me if I wanted to take DDs (6 and 2) for a coastal day out, and stay overnight in motorhome, go home next day

DH immediately says no.

He hates my DM. Massive issues with her.

DH spouts a lot of shit to get my back up first and foremost, (i.e. saying he doesn't trust her, she doesn't know what she's doing, "what about the time DD2 fell over in her garden (not her fault btw) but bringing that into the mix, brought up an issue my mum had with her old car... Load did things he's just bitter about), but also comes out with a reasonable aspect that it's probably not safe for car seats in the back (absolutely fair enough) but but the time he has come to this reasonable conclusion, he has already spouted a LOT of shit about my DM beforehand, and we have both got heated.

He says we shouldn't be going in it as she doesn't know what she's doing.

I said could you check the back seats, if it's not suitable absolutely won't be taking the kids for the journey I will follow in the car, but still get the day out /overnight experience.

He then goes in viscious circles:

1. It's not about the journey up there, it's that I don't trust her

• well I'm going to be there so it's irrelevant

1. Well why wasn't any consideration given to me that I was going to come?

• you're welcome to come ("I'm not sleeping in a motorhome") face-palm

1. She doesn't know anything about motorhomes

1. He hates her

I'm just in a massive viscous cycle and the innocent offer of taking the kids on a day out, and actually having their interests at heart, has all been lost in translation

He sounds seriously controlling over your relationship with your mum. Is he controlling in other ways? The safety question could be a valid concern, but the way you've described it, its clearly an excuse. You might need to really have it out with him at some point about whether he is going to allow you and your children a relationship with your mother. And if he says no, you may have difficult decisions to make.

Go without him, you don’t need his permission.
You will create lovely memories for your children.
And don’t invite him, he will make it a miserable time deliberately.

It's very controlling to take a hatred against your partner's parent and make it impossible for your partner to spend time with that parent. Is he controlling in other ways too?

As you are going his concerns are unfounded... Unless he doesn't trust you.. Then totally different conversation needed...
Its a nice suggestion from your mum..quite covid 29 safe and I'm sure your kids need a break.

He either shuts up about or comes with you... But either way if car seats are safe I'd go

Your husband sounds like a nightmare.

He doesnt trust your mum because your DD once fell over in her care?
He hates your mum because she buys rubbish Christmas presents.
He doesn't want to sleep in a motor home but is annoyed that he wasnt invited to do so.

I definitely think you should go on the trip. You want to and the kids will love it. Your DH needs to get over himself.

Is your AIBU really “AIBU to take my kids in a motorhome for day out and overnight?”

Really?! Do you (he!) know how many people do this on a regular basis?

That’s not the question, is it? The real question is why is your DH being such a twat? And are you going to put up with it?

So he's being huffy and unpleasant about not being invited because he didnt get the chance to be huffy and unpleasant about declining the invitation?

Check out the passenger seats to make sure thay have suitable restraints.

If so then go. If not then dont travel in the vehicle maybe join at the destination? That way you can spend time with your DM but everyone is safe.

He’s being awkward on purpose. Ask him to state simply with a one word answer, do you want to come or not? No further discussion or argument required.

He sounds horrible. Enjoy your trip, sounds fun!

We go in my sister’s motor home occasionally and my DCs adore it. The campsite atmosphere and experience is lovely.

We usually go in the car and meet my sister at the site so we have car seats/buggy etc in the car and an independent means of transport which is handy.

My DH is never invited but it’s for myself and the kids to spend time with their Aunty.

If your DH objections are that he doesn’t like your mum he is BU.
If your DH objections are based on actual safety concerns for the children then he isn’t BU.

I would go if his safety concerns are unfounded. Sounds great fun

He sounds awful and as if he has some kind of childish tantrumy Problem with your mum for no reason at all.

Lighthearted - load them up plus all your important paperwork and meds and just keep driving.

Seriously - sounds as though this will only get worse. Also feel sorry for your mum from what you have written. Sounds as though you need some time apart and big decisions etc.

Good luck op.

He is using his sulks and his moods to control you.

Whether he likes your Mum or not is irrelevant. He doesn’t have to like her but that doesn’t give him the right to stop you doing normal things.

Don’t ask, inform.

Take the kids and all enjoy some carefree freedom.

Go and don't negotiate with him any further, tel him you're going and you have addressed his concern re seatbelts (his only valid query). Take this time to consider if it's a healthy relationship and something to model to your kids. It sounds a nice break for you / the kids after lockdown - do not take him under any circumstances.

Go go go. If you aee worried about the child seats take the car. Sounds like a brilliant compromise. Enjoy as.much time away as you can in your mums motor home. You will all have a brilliant time.

Under no circumstances should you take your OH. He will suck all the joy from the trip. I hope he is massively wonderful in all other ways.

As a Motorhome owner for safety id expect:
3 point harness belts on any seat occupied whilst travelling. If there is room for the kids car seats and the seat has a 3 point harness then it’s fine. My kid loves to travel in the back with the table up (stopping stuff rolling off is tough!)

Smoke alarm and fire extinguisher or fire blanket

Sterilised water system or using a separate bottle for drinking water (which is what I normally do).

Assuming those points are covered there shouldn’t be an issue. Kids love Motorhomes. They aren’t hard to use and if you do trip a fuse and can’t work out how to fix things other campers are always happy to help.

Your husband sounds like he is coming up with excuses because he doesn’t like your mum. I don’t think he is really worried about Motorhome safety he just doesn’t want you going off with your mum for the weekend.

Home42 thank you for those pointers - that's helpful as I myself know nothing

Tbh our relationship itself is becoming quite questionable.

He's making this camp experience really drowned in misery so when it comes to going it's going to be awkward

I'm so unhappy

I spoke with him this morning and said I uphold his safety concerns and will definitely check the seats and seatbelts and if not safe, absolutely will follow in the car .... But according to him "that's not the only thing" but won't tell me what it is and is making me stew until later

It does appear like coercive control

Maybe he is jealous , because he can't just pack up and leave on HIS mum's campervan

It does appear like coercive control

Yep

He sounds absolutely awful.

Go and spend some of the time considering if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

It doesn’t sound like control it just is. Don’t discuss with him any longer just go, you will all have such a fab time. Not going is denying your girls such a fun time.

Going forward i would suggest you decide if you want your girls growing up within the confines of such a controlling marriage.

He sounds absolutely awful OP. He’s picking fault just for the sake.
I would go, for longer than 1 night and tell him him to be gone when you get back.

Op, are your PIL around? Is he just massively jealous of your relationship with your DM? If relevant (i.e. she's alive) and the situation was reversed so his DM invited him and the DC on a similar trip, what would he say? That would inform my decision.

The seat belts in the back will be perfectly safe and part of the annual mot inspection.

The kids will have a great time and you will too if you are able to switch off from worrying about him. Your mum sounds nice and like she wants to give her grandchildren a fun adventure. One day the kids will be too old to get this chance and it will be too late, the same for you, enjoy seeing your kids enjoy themselves one day they will be grown up and independent and it will be too late to get another chance.
Your husband sounds mean to stop his children having fun just to get one up on your mum.

He sounds like my controlling ex.
Let me guess .... he's insinuating only a stupid person wouldn't take his point of view?

He's isolating you, driving a wedge between you and your family. Classic abuser.