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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to be a nag!

32 replies

Hangingover · 18/07/2020 17:57

This is all pretty minor and petty so sorry for the essay!

DP catches sight of himself at least once a day and declares himself fat. Actually he isn't fat really, he's just got a bit of a tummy as he's got older. He's pretty stacked all over so big rather than fat. I know it makes him feel bad so I try to be supportive but the extent of my advice is always the same... I point out he's not really fat but if he wants to shift the belly he just needs to knock the lattes, milkshakes and ice cream bars on the head and probably wait after eating to feel full and then wait to see if he actually wants seconds. That's all he needs to do, the rest of our diet is great. He will be full of determination for all of three hours then will pretty much go straight back to what he was doing before. Whatever...I'll give him advice but I'm not nagging him. My DM nagged my DF constantly and I'm allergic to it. What annoys me is he'll say he's giving up the ice cream bars then put one in the basket at the shop the same day with a sort of naughty smile or a comment to me, as if I'm the one that's telling him not to have it and he's trying to persuade me. This sounds mad but I think he almost wants me to nag him?? The other day we'd had the usual discussion and within an hour he wanted (straight after breakfast too) to go to a cafe with a friend and he ordered a second latte and chocolate slice thing. And he kind of laughed and said "oh you're mad at me for ordering cake aren't you!". I was like...well no obviously I'm not...I think you're projecting. I felt a bit annoyed actually - I was embarrassed he was making me out to be controlling in front of our friend, and I later told him not to put the responsibility for his food onto me as I will not nag him. I already put so much thought into the meals I make for us and they're healthy and balanced but I'm not his nutritionist!

He also eats his plate of food at dinner then immediately asks "is there more?" the second he's put his fork down. He had my share of seconds tonight and the remains of a loaf and bag of tortillas. When I had a few spoons of my special vegan ice cream because I was still hungry he asked for some of that too.

AIBU to think of he wants to not follow his diet he can get his own sodding ice cream tub and get the feck off of my special kind since it's the only one in the whole store I can have.

I'm not really annoyed or anything just more of a general pondering. I know his DF was completely nagged by his DM and I think his exDW nagged him a lot too...maybe he's sort of repeating a pattern without realising.

I feel a bit bad disengaging with the topic completely because I've had addiction issues which he's supported me through and I know food, in particular sugar, can act on dopamine in a similar way to drugs. That being said I never put him in the role of gatekeeper... but he was still nice to me about cravings etc.

Any MN wisdom?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/07/2020 18:10

Honestly, you need to tell him straight to shift his weight or accept he's always going to have a fat belly.

Every time he starts up about it, or about what he's going to eat/drink just disengage completely.

He's not looking for your support, he's looking for your approval so that somewhere down the line, he can blame you for his weight.

Original poster

Hangingover · 18/07/2020 18:16

Thanks for replying! There's a lot of truth in what you say except the blame bit. I don't think he's looking to blame it on me exactly, I think he wants me to tell him off to motivate him to follow through on his intentions.

OP posts:

The80sweregreat · 18/07/2020 18:19

What worra said! (She obviously knows men better than me and I live with three of them! )
It's a tough one as he obviously won't stop eating the wrong foods. I hope someone has better advice for you and no judgement here from me as I am overweight myself (especially since 'lockdown ' too)

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 18/07/2020 18:20

I think he wants me to tell him off to motivate him to follow through on his intentions.

Does this work in other areas of your life together? Is he only capable of completing a project if he's managed by someone else?

Overall, his weight and body composition is his own responsibility and you're entirely wise to provide the food that you do and leave 'extras' and other matters up to him.

BeardieWeirdie · 18/07/2020 18:21

He sounds pathetic. I’d be telling him that if he wants to be fat, fine, but it’s on him not you. And I’d have called him out in front of his friend for pulling that shit.

Original poster

Hangingover · 18/07/2020 18:25

no judgement here from me as I am overweight myself

This is the thing... I'm a recovering addict so I know how bloody hard it is when your brain is in pleasure seeking mode. It's really hard (but it's doable). If I historically felt about sugar as I felt about booze I'd be overweight too I expect! Someone in my alcohol book said "it's not their fault but it is their responsibility". I suppose similar with overeating.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hangingover · 18/07/2020 18:27

Does this work in other areas of your life together? Is he only capable of completing a project if he's managed by someone else?

No, not in the slightest. It's just with food/sugar.

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AIMD · 18/07/2020 18:27

I told my oh that I’d make him do star jumps Every time he complain about his weight. I also wasn’t happy about him making those comments constantly in from of the kids. Also, selfishly, it put me right off hearing him constantly doing on about being fat when it was a bit of a tummy only.

TorkTorkBam · 18/07/2020 18:32

Unspoken rule in our house is that if anyone makes a comment about their weight everyone else ignores it as if nothing was said. It never ends well no matter what you say.

Similar rule for diets. Go on one if you like. Nobody else needs to hear about it. At all.

excuseforfights · 18/07/2020 18:38

And he kind of laughed and said "oh you're mad at me for ordering cake aren't you!". I was like...well no obviously I'm not...I think you're projecting. I felt a bit annoyed actually - I was embarrassed he was making me out to be controlling in front of our friend, and I later told him not to put the responsibility for his food onto me as I will not nag him.

What was his response when you said the above? Well done for calling him out on it. It’s like this way he gets to blame you for not losing the tummy.

DorisLessingsCat · 18/07/2020 18:59

Tbh he might be more overweight than you think. Men carry excess fat differently to women. What's his BMI?

But I completely agree. You're not responsible for his weight management. I'd just detach. Don't monitor what he's eating, don't comment, just don't get drawn into the conversations.

LannieDuck · 18/07/2020 19:28

He's very unreasonable in trying to make you responsible for his weight.

The only person who can lose his weight is him. If he wants to lose weight, he needs to follow-through. You can support him, but you can't do it for him. And he certainly shouldn't expect you to police him.

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 13:17

Thanks, sounds like a good consensus. I don't know his BMI actually... He's an ex professional sportsman though and still does his sport a few times a week so has really big shoulders and thighs so I don't know how reliable BMI would be for him.

OP posts:

freeingNora · 19/07/2020 13:22

Sorry but nagging is a male concept it's not real it's just a way of slapping women down if they want to voice an opinion

What I would say is refuse to acknowledge or comment on his weight tell him you'll no longer enter into a discussion about because he wants attention and not your support.

Ask him what attention he actually wants

It's worth a try

LadyPrigsbottom · 19/07/2020 13:24

Maybe when he goes on about being fat, he wants you to say he isn't?

I also wouldn't nag. But I would also stop giving him advice. It is clearly falling on deaf ears.

I wouldn't say "if you want to be fat just keep doing what you're doing". I wouldn't say anything. He is the one annoyed with his weight. He is also the one making poor choices (another chubbo here btw, so absolutely no judgement here)! Leave him to it. He will either sort it out or he won't, but your advice isn't helping. You've tried. You are right in what you say. He isn't listening. The penny will probably drop for him soon that he has to cut it out, or at least cut down on the sugary snacks.

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 13:41

Sorry but nagging is a male concept it's not real it's just a way of slapping women down if they want to voice an opinion

I've been thinking about this...so you know the comic of the mental load and how in that scenario women are the "foreman" of the home and the man is the worker who needs orders... Is "nagging" actually the mental load bearer issuing the instructions in order that the household runs at its best? And then they label it as nagging to offset the fact they're relying on us to remind them to do everything and that's pretty pathetic for an adult? Like they want us to order them around and remind them of things so they don't have to think about it? Maybe that's pessimistic!!

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 19/07/2020 13:54

If you want some reassurance that our weight should be an intensely private matter, try readying Gillian Riley. He might find some of her books and blog posts helpful.

https://eatingless.com

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 14:07

Not going to answer my question then OP?

FindMeInTheSunshine · 19/07/2020 14:36

Maybe when he's in the "I'm so fat" mood take a photo of him side on, print it out and stick it to the fridge. Then at least he has his own reminder in the house without you having to do any "nagging".

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 15:55

excuseforfights sorry I missed it He just said okay, a bit sort of chastened way and we started talk about the route to the next place so dropped it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 15:57

Maybe when he's in the "I'm so fat" mood take a photo of him side on, print it out and stick it to the fridge

Lol sadly would not help as there are only vegetables in it. They're all on-the-go/impulse treats.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 16:05

I was embarrassed he was making me out to be controlling in front of our friend, and I later told him not to put the responsibility for his food onto me

Next time say it to him in front of the friend - if he's making you out to be the bad guy in public, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of being called out for that shitty behaviour in private.

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 16:13

Yeah maybe you're right. If it had been a good friend I would have but we met her just recently so don't know each other super well yet so I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 16:22

I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Yet he has no qualms about making you look like a controlling dickhead, OP!

I hate it when a man professes to know what I'm thinking - it's usually their way of diminishing me in some way (by ascribing petty or uncharitable thoughts to me) or of bigging themselves up (by professing to see themselves through my eyes in a favourable light).

Original poster

Hangingover · 19/07/2020 16:27

Yeah it's mad hey. I dont think he will do it again because he knew I was annoyed and that's pretty rare for us but of there is a next time I'll call him out there and then.

OP posts:

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