Dinner or no Dinner - AIBU To not cook DS dinner?

[Makinglemonadefromlemons]

Totally fed up of chasing DS (17)

He goes out & forgets to tell us if he's home for dinner, he never answers his phone/ replies to texts, I ended up texting his GF earlier in the week knowing she would answer. (He is visiting her at home/garden & social distancing.)

My opinion is that if he wants dinner when he goes out he needs to let us know or he doesn't get any, he can have soup or sandwich/ beans on toast etc if he comes in hungry but if he can't be bothered to let us know he doesn't get.

He wasn't happy when he came home last week & there wasn't any dinner & we said he could have sandwiches or soup/toast etc, but we can't afford to have the cooker on twice.

AIBU to not just plate him up a dinner or at 17 (& 1/2) should he be letting us know?

YANBU - he might start letting you know if he’s really that fussed about dinner.

DS used to do this. I would keep a portion aside for him and then freeze it if he was a no show. At that age the two things we fell out about was about communication about meals and his shit tip of a room. I think I got off lightly.

He won’t starve. Leave him to it. There’s food in the house to eat. He will soon work it out.

I would give him one final warning - if you don’t know his plans in advance, you won’t be cooking for him, and he can have a sandwich or beans on toast.

Obviously, if you’ve already warned him, please ignore me!

Thanks for your replies!

He's got a part time job so has money & McDonalds/Burger king are only a mile away Chippy, Indian & Chinese are closer so if he's desperate he can bike down!

@Finfintytint don't get me started on his bedroom! If it stayed in his room it wouldn't be too bad but it spills out onto the landing!!

The joy of teenagers!

Ha ha! He’s 26 now and when I visited a while a go he scooped up a coffee mug I’d just finished with so he could put it in a dishwasher! They do grow up.

Leave him to it. He's 17. Unless he tells you he's home for dinner I'd take it he's not. I'd just have some frozen chilli or spag bol he can make if he decides to turn up.

Mine is the same age. If he doesn't text of call by 5pm he doesnt get dinner.

Kitchen closes at 7pm clean up after yourself.

YANBU, but I don’t really understand why leftovers can’t go in the fridge so he can heat up in the microwave?

I'd cook enough, if he's not sat down to eat with everyone I'd freeze it. Always good to have leftovers in the freezer.
Text or toast, it's not hard is it.

I'm sorry, OP I can't get past you believing your 17yo DS is socially distancing from his GF when they meet up

Seriously though, he's being pretty thoughtless by ignoring your texts and then waltzing in expecting dinner. YANBU to expect a bit of consideration. He's also old enough to be able to prepare a simple meal for himself when he gets home if he doesn't want to eat with the family. If he's not capable of doing that now would be a good time to learn! When I was his age I was living independently and since there was no one to 'teach' me to cook I had to figure it out for myself. Did me good to be honest.

Can you not just leave him a plate to put in the fridge if he doesn't eat it or warm up if he does?

I would gladly include him in family meals if he'd told you he'll be around. And otherwise assume he won't.

It won't do him any harm to start learning to cook for himself (unless you really can't afford for him to use the cooker separately - then it's more tricky to leave him to it).

How can you afford MacDonalds / chippy and not to put the cooker on twice? Surely a takeaway is more expensive?
Just leave his dinner in the fridge and let him reheat it. If he doesn’t, then freeze it for next time.

How can you afford MacDonalds / chippy and not to put the cooker on twice?

She doesn't. He buys it himself.

OP, I wouldn't cook for him if he hasn't said he'll be in. Otherwise you might end up with a freezer full of leftovers that are never eaten. And it's basic manners to let the person who is cooking know whether you're going to be home for dinner.

YANBU, even without the cost of cooking taken in to account. He tells you if he'll be home for dinner or he sorts himself out. Stop chasing him.

Assuming he comes home at some point I'd make it and leave it for him to heat up.
I did the same for Dd.

@magicstar1 He has a part time job so he'd be spending his own money.

He's capable of cooking, he has scrambled eggs or pasta & tuna or something like that for his brunch - since lockdown he's rarely up for breakfast!

He swears he's social distancing- we are shielded, 3 of us DH, DS (13) & I being extremely high risk. At the beginning of lockdown he initially lived/stayed with our friends as he couldn't cope with not being able to go out at all, but came home 4 weeks ago. & back to work last week.

The leaving him a meal out is a matter of principle - that he needs to communicate with us, which is why I was asking AIBU.

Money is once tight as DS 2 & I are disabled & hubby has had to give up work to care for us so we are dependent on benefits- so money is incredibly tight & we just can't afford to waste food.

Yanbu
My teens know that if they want their dinner hot then they need to be home for when I cook dinner. Not fair on me or the others to wait

Thanks, It's that difficult age where he's a young adult and we want him to take responsibility for himself, but don't want him to feel unwanted/unloved.

I was absolutely with you, right up until 'we can't afford to have the cooker on twice'...

Really? I am usually on the bones of my arse but I can put the cooker on more than once in a day!

Back to the actual point though - no, if he can't do you the common courtesy of letting you know if he wants and will be present for a meal or not, then he doesn't get one.

He is plenty old enough to cook his own, and stick to the available foods without buggering up your weekly budget/meal plans, or go out and buy his own.

Social distancing........nah.

Really dont bother. If he’s there, he eats. If he’s not can sort himself out.

And please dont text his girlfriend to manage your communications for you. All sorts of wrong there.

He has a part time job so he'd be spending his own money

Sounds like he has more spare money than you. Time to ask him to pay a bit more for bed and board, especially if he expects to be fed.

But YABU to chase after his GF as to his whereabouts, she's not his mother or keeper and likely to be too young to be dragged into wirework, which would apply whether she was 18 or 78 BTW.