Dinner or no Dinner - AIBU To not cook DS dinner?

[Makinglemonadefromlemons]

Totally fed up of chasing DS (17)

He goes out & forgets to tell us if he's home for dinner, he never answers his phone/ replies to texts, I ended up texting his GF earlier in the week knowing she would answer. (He is visiting her at home/garden & social distancing.)

My opinion is that if he wants dinner when he goes out he needs to let us know or he doesn't get any, he can have soup or sandwich/ beans on toast etc if he comes in hungry but if he can't be bothered to let us know he doesn't get.

He wasn't happy when he came home last week & there wasn't any dinner & we said he could have sandwiches or soup/toast etc, but we can't afford to have the cooker on twice.

AIBU to not just plate him up a dinner or at 17 (& 1/2) should he be letting us know?

Yanbu not to make him dinner if he isn't going to be home but surely he can make his own oven dinner when he gets home. The oven being on for an hour a day every day of the week costs approx £2.46 for the week (according to a quick Google) many of our meals only take 30 mins max in the oven so could be even less than this do I think it is a bit unreasonable to say he can't use the oven to make his own meal if required. If you need to tell him to give you £10 a month towards oven costs - less than the cost of 2 mcdonalds or burger kings.

I feel your pain.

If DS isn’t here, his dinner gets plated up.

It’s a matter of respect. He needs to reply to texts, answer his phone or agree before he leaves the house about whether or not he will be in for meals later in the day. If he can’t be organised etc then don’t cook for him.

I’d warn him how it’s going to work, let him have one chance (ie cook without knowing he’ll be back) and explain that that is the last chance. But it won’t work if you don’t follow through!

I assume OP doesn’t want to cook a meal for her DS which he might not want if eaten elsewhere. Sounds as if every penny needs to be accounted for and so can’t afford to waste food.

I would give him a time when he needs to tell you if he needs dinner, if you have not heard from by then, then don’t make him dinner.

If he doesn’t let you know then you don’t cook for him. Not all leftovers freeze well. There’s alternative food in the house if he wants it.
Sounds like you could have a discussion laying out the situation from your POV. You are living on a tight budget with no extras. You love him, you want him to have freedom and independence BUT you just cannot afford to waste food.
I’m assuming he doesn’t pay you keep, but maybe he should be thinking about that now as he has a job...

The leaving him a meal out is a matter of principle - that he needs to communicate with us, which is why I was asking AIBU.

I agree he should communicate but I really wouldn’t die in a ditch over this.

Money is once tight as DS 2 & I are disabled & hubby has had to give up work to care for us so we are dependent on benefits- so money is incredibly tight & we just can't afford to waste food.

But leftovers don’t need to be wasted? If he doesn’t eat it then someone can have it for lunch or dinner the next day.

This thread just does not compute for me at all. I’ve just made spaghetti with chicken that will feed us today and tomorrow.

@SharonasCorona I thought that. The op sounds uptight and looking to pick arguments. At 17 he probably doesn’t know what his plans are until they happen, he’s just being a teenager. I’d not stress about it, just do him a plate and stick it in the fridge. Most things keep for 3 days plus. I don’t get the money is tight argument. It’s that tight in my house right now that I’ve managed to get the cost of family meals down to pennies. It’ll cost more to feed one person separately tins of soup, bread and sandwich fillings, rather than dishing them a portion of dinner

YANBU that it’s rude and I understand totally that if money is tight then food waste and who is being catered for is a huge issue.

YABU to call his girlfriend. PLEASE don’t do that. Ever.

My mum would get stressed out by this when we were teens and I didn’t understand it then, but I really understand it now I’m the one in charge of catering. Sorry, Mum.

Can you agree a menu plan & schedule once a week? Maybe on a Sunday? If he’s agreed in advance he’s eating plate it up if he’s not there, to be microwaved, but if he takes the piss reassess next week. He can always get in his own paid-for-himself stash of microwave meals, after all.

@Itsjustabitofbanter totally agree! He’s 17 not 27!

And I don’t know if I’m in the minority but we often cook a big pot, or a massive lasagne so we can have it for lunch the next day, or even dinner. Cooking can be tiring and knowing you don’t have to worry about chopping onions, garlic, veg the next day really helps.

My teenage son the same but Not been out much since all.this, normally we don't know so I plate up and leave in fridge.
He also hardly answers my texts!!

If he has contacted you don't make a dinner and don't plate up one.
He has a finger and he has a phone.
Tell him he has to text by a certain time, or No Dinner.
If there is a dinner there every night regardless, he won't bother his arse texting.
Don't text the girfriend that's just enabling him to turn her into his next Mummy to be babied by her. Because women are the servants of men and run around after the poor helpless lambs with dinners.
Why would he feel unloved??
He's disrespecting you and taking you for granted, but you are not seeing that.

*unless

I have a DC of a similar age-sometimes he’s there for dinner and sometimes he’s not. I will ask him at some point during the afternoon if he wants dinner (either in person or by text) and cook accordingly.

Are you texting him and he’s not replying? Considering most teens have their phones in their hands, that’s pretty rude.

He’s 17 not 27!

He's 17 not 7. He's capable of letting his mother know whether he'll be in for dinner or not.

But leftovers don’t need to be wasted? If he doesn’t eat it then someone can have it for lunch or dinner the next day.

Why should another member of the family have their choice of lunch or dinner the next day determined by whether or not this boy comes home for dinner? They might not want to eat a re-heated version of what they had for dinner the night before.

Basically, why should every other member of the family have to put themselves out because a near-adult can't be bothered to send a three word text - 'home for dinner' or 'out for dinner'.

I don't think this is a hill to die on, tbh.

Especially as you are claiming you can't afford to have the cooker on twice, then it makes even more sense to me to plate up whatever you are having and then he just bungs it in the microwave for a couple of mins when he gets in. It will cost more for him to be making separate meals regularly, than for you to put a plate of whatever you are making on the side for him to warm up.

But leftovers don’t need to be wasted? If he doesn’t eat it then someone can have it for lunch or dinner the next day.

Why should another member of the family have their choice of lunch or dinner the next day determined by whether or not this boy comes home for dinner?

Well be gets his own leftovers surely.
Cool lasagne Monday, he doesn't then up. Plate and fridge it.

Tuesday don't cook for him and if he's there for dinner he gets it for tea whilst the family have pie.
If he doesn't come home, then Wednesday when you all have 31st and get her gets lasagne.

You could read it and then it'll last lounger but depends what it is is.

And I think you need to look at asking him for board if money is that right you can only put the cooker on once a day.

At 17 he's perfectly capable of making his own dinner. He just needs to check you don't have plans for any ingredients before he uses them.

And since he's earning, he can pay his share of the household bills. However you want to divide things up.

I’ve had a chat with him again! He’s super apologetic, so hopefully things will change this time! He will learn the hard way if not.

We do of course leave food for him if it’s that type of meal, but he’s the only one who isn’t coeliac / gluten intolerant, so he often has different parts to his meals -GF food is crazily expensive!

We have tinned soups, beans, tuna from the food bank who help us once a month (we could go weekly but can get by & know there are people much worse off than us) so it’s a meal that only costs us the bread.

He’s having driving lessons and only works a few hours a week, so he doesn’t have much money left over, definitely not enough to ask him to contribute to the rent/food, we live quite rurally so he really needs to learn drive/ get a car.

If he were out with a mate that we knew really well & I couldn’t get hold of DS I’d text the mate to get him to check his phone - it’s often in his bag if they are playing football/basketball & pre-covid gaming, It’s not because she’s his girlfriend & im definitely not expecting her to be responsible for him! - but as I’m no longer going to be chasing him it’s a moot point.

Thanks for sharing your experiences & opinions.

If he were out with a mate that we knew really well & I couldn’t get hold of DS I’d text the mate to get him to check his phone

I understand you’re saying it’s not a wifework/girlfriend issue but this is also annoying, OP - no one else is responsible for him and at 17 unless you think he’s in danger or it’s urgent don’t be contacting his mates to get him to contact you. How will he learn otherwise? Everyone has had or knows of a mate like this and it’s annoying for everyone. He doesn’t answer his phone he deals with the consequences.

Is it that expensive to have the cooker on twice!? But YANBU in wanting him to let you know his plans. Stop cooking for him if he doesn’t communicate properly.