21 year old son taking the piss?

[Teesstar]

I posted this in adult parenting but I think I will get more response here!

He is the eldest of my 4 boys. He comes and goes between here and his girlfriends at all hours, his room is minging, he does nothing to help around the house at all and just expects people to clean up after him.
He has quit uni to work part time in a bar and set up a photography business but spends his time either with his girlfriend, laying in his bed, playing football or Xbox if he is not at the new bar job.
He won’t help at home, won’t wash his own clothes, so they fester in a mountain in his room.
He text me after having gone off to his girlfriends at 3am this morning to wash his work clothes for tonight!

He pays £60 a month, but I rarely see it!
I am getting really sick of it now.
Last time I lost the plot he just gaslighted me and we had a blazing row. We then talked the next day but nothing has changed.

AIBU to expect warn him he needs to belt up or move out?

Has he always been this way or has it been a gradual decline since quitting university? If it's been gradual it would make me concerned that something else is going on such as a mental health issue or drink/drugs.

A lot of young adults spend around 80% of their time with their heads up their arses but the way he's carrying on isn't acceptable and it sounds like it's time to put your foot down and warn him that he'll have to move out if he can't pull his weight. At the very least make it clear that no board means you won't be washing his work clothes for him or cooking his meals.

I'd definitely be telling him to move out! Can he afford to do that, though if he's only working PT?

Knickers to that! You need to tell him you're not his maid.

What did you say about washing his clothes?

My mother would have been incredulous at such a request! I am too tbh. How was it framed?

I’d have kicked him out or started charging him £10 a load for laundry long ago.

Tell him he can go to work dirty. It’s his responsibility to wash his work clothes. Move all his belongings into the garden/garage on the idea that you saw a rat in the room. Tell him you’ve cleaned the room but you are not putting it all back in and you are never cleaning it again because it was hellish seeing the rat so that’s on him too.

He vs wash his clothes or go to work or his gf dirty/she will soon object!
On the positive (!😀) side, at least the has a job I am nagging mine to to do that (uni but home for the holidays)

Lol at the rat 🐀 😀😀

Has he always been like this?

When he was younger, did you make him do his fair share around the house or has he never been given any responsibility to help out? If this is the case, as parents, you have yourself to blame.

Tell him to sling his hook and go and live with his girlfriend.

I would stop washing his clothes and ask him to move out.

You aren't a hotel. If that's what he wants, he needs to pay hotel prices.

I have a DD who will be 21 next week. She is still at uni so I am not charging her or her sister rent/board as long as they pull their weight at home. In the last fortnight she has cleared the vegetable patch of weeds (hasn't been touched for 8 years at least), scrubbed the downstairs paintwork, cooked a lovely vegan meal for us all, cleaned the kitchen whilst I was at work yesterday and put out washing for me. I think she's been amazing, but she volunteered to do it all. In return, she gets fed, washing done providing it is put in the washing baskets and a wifi connection. I also put fuel in her car, but I drive it nearly as much as she does. A 21 year old should not be helpless.

I think your DS is taking the proverbial. If he lived here, the wifi password would be changed until he sorts himself out. He would get one chance to sort his room but if he refuses or it goes back to the pit, he's out. We have a tent. It's warm enough to sleep outside. That's where he would be.

Orchestrate some time with him on neutral, public territory (weekend pub lunch where he can’t escape maybe & it’s a nice thing to do) & ask him
how he thinks it makes you feel that he does all these things and has these expectations...

You are then effectively asking him to put himself in your position - say that obviously arguing or losing it with him doesn’t achieve anything so how does he think things can change to improve the situation? In that environment or similar it is less likely to turn into a row and perhaps by putting the onus on him to understand and suggest the solution you might get somewhere.

Or chuck him out! Trying the first approach before you do that though is worth it for the sake of your future relationship with him, it may be that he does go & in time realises that he was taking the piss - or he’ll end up living with the girlfriend & she’ll be his skivvy. Solving it now will help whatever poor woman he does end up with though & making the effort to avoid having one less entitled cocklodger in the world has to be a good thing!?

£60 per month doesn't even cover his food. but, in any event, whatever amount you have agreed on, needs to come first before he spends on his social life. You need to make him pay for his keep and explain to him what that does and does not include.

I don't think you can lay all the blame on your son. How have you prepared him for life? Have you taught him how-to cook, use the washing machine, dryer, iron, vacuum etc?

You need to set ground rules now otherwise he is going to make someone a crap partner/husband.

I suggest he, at least, has to keep his bedroom clean and tidy and that he does his own washing and ironing. I would suggest that he makes his own breakfast and lunch every day and that he does the cooking and washing up for the family one evening per week.

How old are your other and? They all need preparing for when they live independently too. If old enough maybe they can each take a turn once per week with an evening meal? Do they help out with things like mowing the lawn, putting the bins out, washing cars?

What did you do about the washing? I would not be doing any laundry or cooking

Tell him to stay at his gf”s.

Pick up all his shit from around the house and put it in his bed for him. Explain as it’s your house it’s your room and as he’s not paying digs you’re entitled to keep it clean and safe for everyone and his disgustingness. Is not on. This is what I do. Also I have recently been thinking of buying some maggots from pet shop and putting them on a mouldy plate /carpet or whatever and saying look! LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE! YOUVE CREATED AN INFESTATION IN MY HIUSE YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE! that might make him think twice....😉

I'd not be touching his washing and I'd provide him a shelf in a cupboard/fridge/freezer for him to buy his own food. I wouldn't cook for him at all.

Shut the door on his room. Ignore it.

Basically, I'd do bugger all for him. Until he learns some respect.

My son started doing his own washing of his own volition when he was 15. There’s no way I’d put up with this. You need to produce a non negotiable list of conditions for him to continue living in your house and if he doesn’t comply with them, he’s out. You’re doing him no favours by letting him get away with this.

Also go onto SpareRoom to see what a room in a shared house would cost him as it is the same as what he has now, room with bills in. Print out some details so he can what a good deal he has right now.

Do not wash his clothes, that is his responsibility. I wonder how badly he behaves at his girlfriend's house. Does she still live at home or with her parents?

And no, I have two teenage sons who strip their beds, wash the bedding and put it back on, they are responsible for bins going out, emptying the dishwasher and cooking food.

So obviously you didn't wash his clothes?

He text me after having gone off to his girlfriends at 3am this morning to wash his work clothes for tonight!. Please tell me you haven’t washed his clothes?! This is an utter piss take.

What would happen if you didn’t wash his clothes?

Time for a family conversation with chores assigned, jobs allocated and consequences discussed.
Everyone should be doing there own washing and rooms.
All should be taking a turn to cook and clean bathrooms, as that is a necessary life skill for all.
Board is for electrical, water, gas etc. not for maid services.
If he is not happy, he can move out.

You need to draw some boundaries and then keep to them without fail. Don’t do his washing. Tell him a condition of living in the house is that he pulls his weight. Honestly you need to do it now. My brother was like this, and nobody ever stopped him. He’s in his 40s now and whilst I love him he is entitled and lazy, refuses to have a job because he doesn’t like being told what to do, lives with our parents with a disgusting room etc etc. Honestly, for the good of your son you need to stop allowing it.

Honestly I don’t wanna be mean but this all just sounds a bit embarrassing for both of you

What self-respecting 21 year old let’s their mam doing their laundry for them?

And what self-respecting parent runs around after their adult child?

Stop doing things for him and tell him he needs to stop treating you like his domestic