21 year old son taking the piss?

[Teesstar]

I posted this in adult parenting but I think I will get more response here!

He is the eldest of my 4 boys. He comes and goes between here and his girlfriends at all hours, his room is minging, he does nothing to help around the house at all and just expects people to clean up after him.
He has quit uni to work part time in a bar and set up a photography business but spends his time either with his girlfriend, laying in his bed, playing football or Xbox if he is not at the new bar job.
He won’t help at home, won’t wash his own clothes, so they fester in a mountain in his room.
He text me after having gone off to his girlfriends at 3am this morning to wash his work clothes for tonight!

He pays £60 a month, but I rarely see it!
I am getting really sick of it now.
Last time I lost the plot he just gaslighted me and we had a blazing row. We then talked the next day but nothing has changed.

AIBU to expect warn him he needs to belt up or move out?

100% YANBU - don't often see that!

Up his rent to a commercial rate and he shops, cooks. does laundry etc for himself. It's around £500 a month to rent a room in a houseshare round my way.

You'll be doing his future wife a favour.

He needs consequences.
Dirty work clothes = reprimand from work
No money handed over = no meals
Doesn't clean his room = house key taken away

He may flounce off. When he realises how easy he could have it, I reckon he will come back with a new attitude.

I do the washing for my adult children. Does mean they lack self respect. It is just easier as I like to do one full load a day. Wash dried and put away. I only wash they do the putting away.
They do plenty of household jobs for me and when I was laid up for three months with a broken leg they did my washing.
It is not the doing of the washing that is ops problem. It is the total disrespect her son treats her with.

You reap what you sow unfortunately.
That said, give him notice to move out asap.
And don’t wash his clothes, you’ve enabled him long enough I suspect.
God help a future wife.

How did he ask for the work clothes to be washed and what did you say?

I would stop doing all laundry and tell him he needs to get his room organised. It sounds like he intends to be at home for a while, it's line in the sand time. Set out what the board money does and does not include. Decide the minimum level of tasks, give him your epectations and consequences. Everyone in the house should have chores.

He's a CF and if you don't make a stand now you're just going to continue to enable his lazy, selfish ways.

I would start by upping his rent to at least £120-150 (not sure how much he's earning currently).
Then you could say to him you will discount his rent a certain amount every time he does a load of washing himself and for every week his room is cleaned, tidied and hoovered by him.
You could work it so that if he does the above things weekly that his rent actually stays roughly at what it is now. Surely this type of financial incentive would work for someone of his age?

I would be demanding his front door key back, having already packed him a bag of his shit that would be given to him before throwing him out.

I certainly would not have him treat me like a door mat

He text me after having gone off to his girlfriends at 3am this morning to wash his work clothes for tonight

Don't help him - he'll never learn to take responsibility if you keep bailing him out.

He needs to learn the consequences of saying 'fuck it' and not washing his clothes.

Did you wash the clothes?

It beats me how parents ever let their kids and/or partners away with zero domestic participation.

I'd just chuck his unappreciative arse out and get on with setting a better example for your other 3 boys before they end up the same.
I'm angry for you OP as my ex was just like your eldest and I should have dumped him as soon as I saw how atrociously he treat his mum.
Time to get tough and mean it.

You are not being unreasonable- except in accepting his behaviour.

Education is one of our responsibilities as parents and it is not all about school!

He needs to understand that it is not reasonable to treat other people like this.

You are not being kind when you pick up after him or don't expect to have the agreed rent from him.

You are giving him a false picture of his place in the world. If he has to be taught this by someone who does not love him- it won't go well for him. It is likely that he will resent you for that too.