To pick the cat over DH in bed

[CatLuverr]

DH slept on the sofa last night because the cat jumped up on me in bed & I refused to push her out.

Layers to this one. Layer 1 - Am I unreasonable in the abstract for digging in that I like my pet around at night?

For avoidance of drip feed - Layer 2 - he’s not just upset about the cat. I’ve been off at him for a few weeks now because he didn’t step up to support me when one of our kids had a MH crisis. We’ve talked about it - but the bottom line is that the cat was there for me to reassure me at scary times that DH wasn’t - and I think that’s how it would be if a similar situation recurred.

The cat thing is a running difference - I like her, he doesn’t. But the issue has got a sharp passive aggressive extra energy in the context & I think he’s proper upset with me this morning.

YANBU. It's lovely when your cats cuddle up to you at night.

To be clear he’s choosing to leave the bed?

Pets in bed is a pretty divisive issue any way but it’s clear that’s not really the problem. I know you think sleeping in another room would be antagonistic but I’m reading that actually you both need a bit of your own space right now. It would be much better to be clear and transparent about what you’re doing/what you need rather than making the cat the metaphor for the issue.

IMO there is nothing wrong with a cat on the bed, but if one partner doesn't think so then you need to respect that.

Sort out your differences properly by talking about them. Does he realise that you're still upset over the issue with your DD?

It’s not really about the cat is it?

Our cat often sleeps on our bed, he’s also just as happy out all night or on the floor under the dressing table. We feed him and keep him flea free. We love him but really he’s a free loader. Your husband, on the other hand, is working for that house and that bed and he gets priority over the cat.

Sleep is very important OP and if your husband isn’t getting good quality sleep, he probably isn’t going to get any better at supporting you/accept he was wrong not to support you.

Address the real issue at play here and that’s that he didn’t support you when you needed him to. Don’t add another issue to a difficult time in your lives by creating a barrier to the bed via the cat.

Oh and I think your dh is perpetuating the drama by sleeping on a sofa if you have a spare bed

If you cant forgive him for not being there during the mental health issues get on and end the relationship.

This is just unpleasant.

You need to talk to each other. You either resolve this simmering resentment between the to of you or you watch your relationship slowly die.
Don’t weaponise the cat abuse you are afraid to have an adult discussion!

Because not abuse

@Cornettoninja - he left the bed after I’d fallen into a happy cat sleep. I only realised he was gone in the morning.

He was always lukewarm about the cat. We got her mainly as an emotional support animal for DD - and she really earns her keep in that regard.

Maybe another reason why I’m at any criticism of the cat. She’s really really not a freeloader; does important work in the household supporting DD when she is vulnerable.

You need to get a bigger bed so you can all fit comfortably

The cat can be supportive to DD and still be banned from the bed, though. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Our cats aren't allowed in the bedroom as they don't settle and use us a human racetrack/obstacle course during the night

Seems to me like the cat isn't the issue, though. You feel your DH has been a bit shit and unsupportive and the cat is a handy "barrier" to have between you so he can't get too close.

Like a PP said, do you really want to continue with this marriage or not? Because it really does read like you've checked out.

My cat does wonders for my mental health OP. I have severe anxiety, I’m prone to depressive episodes and struggling to conceive a baby - having our cat around really helps out and he makes me feel better. However, I wouldn’t kick my husband out of the bed for him. That space belongs to my husband.

My cat is a freeloader but that’s okay because I’d rather have him here than not. I think your attitude to your cat is very dramatic. Focus on your marriage and see if you can sort it out.

YABVVU.

As per your thread title and updates, it seems you've already picked your cat over your husband in and out of bed.

I assume he isn't a freeloader either... Your language around this is strange, OP. YABU.

Why is the cat sleeping with you if she’s so important to your DD?

When you got it did you and your DH agree it would sleep in your bed?

Normally - like a pp - the cat lies on me when I’m on my own - but tends to be moved on when DH is around by tacit agreement. (In fact - normally she sleeps night with DD - but she does visit others).

Can we recap why his comfort preferring a cat free bed unilaterally trumps my comfort wanting to settle myself down with the cat after a period of heavy and unsupported emotional labour?

So presumably it’s you, rather than your husband, who usually ousts the cat? And you didn’t do it so your husband sulked?

It’s a shared bed. Any living creature being allowed to sleep in it should be there by agreement of both parties.

Completely unreasonable and bullying

Yes it does ‘unilaterally trump it’. It comes across as though you’re weaponising your cat and using her against him.

You daughter has been through a difficult time. Do you think you playing silly beggars with the cat and your bed is going to help her? You can claim he didn’t support you all you like, this isn’t the way to rectify the problem.

You posted AIBU and you’ve received an unequivocal yes you definitely are.

Can we recap why his comfort preferring a cat free bed unilaterally trumps my comfort wanting to settle myself down with the cat after a period of heavy and unsupported emotional labour?
Because it is his bed too. Not the cat's.

I love cats, I adore them. And I do not mind sleeping with one on top of the covers (not under it). But if the person I share this bed with does not want a cat in or on it, I would not impose the cat. It is a matter of basic respect. Even if I perceived that they slighted me. Leave the man if you need to, but do not punish him by disrespecting his place for sleep. (I am oddly attached to the sanctity of beds, computers and kitchens, jsyk)

Sounds like the relationship is over - you choose the cat. Maybe you should just tell him that rather than being pa about it.

My brother is getting divorced because his wife became obsessed with their dogs. No joke, it’s shat all over what was a decent and happy marriage.

You’re being really odd and combative about this. If you no longer want your husband than carry on as you are. But face up to it rather than playing stupid games and power plays. Presuming your husband isn’t on a “free ride” I hope you’re fully prepared for life without him.

Are you using the cat to cope with your own emotional health and therefore see him as not wanting to sleep with a cat as him not only being suppprtive and helping with own child's mental health but also yours?

I agree with the pps who say pets shouldn't be brought into someone's bed if they don't want it there. It's not unreasonable to not want an animal in your bed. It sounds like you both need to sort out the tension you have about his lack of support for his child and leaving it all to you and if it came be resolved then you need to walk away because living with this resentment can't be doing anyone's mental health any good.

There is no way I would put up with your behaviour, whatever the other issues are. You sound selfish.

Whether or not YABU depends on whether he just prefers the cat not to be around, or if the cat being there actually disturbs him (e.g. noise, moving around, allergies).

If she is sleeping on you (i.e. not taking up his space), and he can still sleep with her there, then I think HIBU.