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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law doesn't like me, 7 months pregnant

37 replies

eausolovely · 18/07/2020 01:08

So my partner comes from a very different kind of family to me. While both of our parents are divorced, mine still get on as mates and his can't be in the same room 20 years later.

I get on really well with his dad and I thought I did with his mum too. Today however she decided to message him completely out of the blue kicking off that he has seen his dad more in lockdown than her (he's 28 years old remember so is a grown adult!)

Now I usually stay out of this kind of thing as I don't like arguments and as we have a baby due in 2 months I've been trying to keep everyone happy. But in this rant she started saying how I "obviously didn't like her" And how she would never get to see the baby when he came. She made some pretty harsh accusations about me and essentially made out as if I am keeping her son from her.

It's actually laughable because I genuinely really liked her but I'm seriously taken back by this. How do you move past something like this? I'm really upset as I'm not used to having conflicts, my lot are really close which is another thing she was annoyed about. Basically how would you handle the situation if you knew your MIL didn't like you and you are only finding out after 7 happy years of being with her son?! Any advice welcome, please tell me if I'm just being a bit hormonal and shouldn't let it bother me so much.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 18/07/2020 01:23

Just sit back and let DH decide how he wants to deal with this.
Be polite to her, but do not go out of your way to accommodate her wishes.
Is he an only child?

Original poster
eausolovely · 18/07/2020 01:32

@Weenurse

Just sit back and let DH decide how he wants to deal with this. Be polite to her, but do not go out of your way to accommodate her wishes. Is he an only child?
No he has a sister and she seemed pissed at her too but that's a whole different kettle of fish. I think he's actually mortified which is why I posted on here and I'm trying to remain calm in front of him. Bless him I think half the time he's embarrassed that they behave like this and I really can't blame him!
OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 18/07/2020 01:42

If she has not been like this all the time, are you sure she is not menopausal? Far-fetched i know, but trust me it can really fuck up you head and mood. If you have had a good relationship so far, either you or your dh could perhaps talk to her about why she is feeling so sidelined. Unless she is batshit, she may be hurting.

BabyBrainJane · 18/07/2020 01:53

I don’t think it’s actually about you at all so you can let feelings that she secretly never liked you slide off 💐

It sounds like she is some kind of narcissist and has felt starved of attention recently so she’s throwing everything and the kitchen sink at her son to get a good reaction from him 🤷‍♀️

Chat about you in all of this seems an incidental part of a wider attempt to manipulate xx

AGirlCalledJohnny · 18/07/2020 01:56

This isn’t about you, she’s just feeling jealous and being petty. Whenever my MIL wants to needle my DH she drags me into it, even if I’ve done nothing. She’s an ornery wagon at all time though! 🤣

IdblowJonSnow · 18/07/2020 02:03

Ignore. Let it blow over this time.
Agree it's not about you.
Hopefully she'll realise she's been ridiculous.

expat101 · 18/07/2020 02:20

I received a terrible letter once from my MIL, I called her up immediately to ask how this had come about. It all stemmed from how my SIL ''thought'' I was treating her, and of course SIL was drip-feeding this in barrowfuls to her Mother.

The call didn't end well, I ended up in tears, she was obviously very upset and hung up. There was absolutely nothing I could say or do to change her mind. She passed away not long after and I will never forgive my SIL.

so when I read your post OP, that was my first thought. Someone else is dripping venom in her ear and she has taken it on board as being fact.

Its really up to your Partner now to stand up for you with his Mum and ask her what the hell brought that on.

Good luck.

Coyoacan · 18/07/2020 02:25

Yeap, I agree it's not about you

Durgasarrow · 18/07/2020 02:36

This doesn't sound as if she doesn't like you in particular. It sounds as if she feels lonely and left out, whether rationally or irrationally. It isn't uncommon for mothers of sons to feel as if they are the less important parent of a grown up child. I think if you smothered her in kindness, it MIGHT pay very large dividends. I could be 100 percent wrong, but I am guessing that she's sad underneath it all. I know this is very un-Mumsnetty of me and I will probably get flamed royally, but my intuition tells me that this time, niceness might be the first thing to try, undeserved though it may seem to be.

madwoman1ntheattic · 18/07/2020 03:05

It’s nothing to do with you. She’s pissed at her son because she thinks he is favouring his dad. You just got caught in the crossfire because she is a loon. She’ll be mortified when she’s calmed down. Hopefully.

FortunesFave · 18/07/2020 03:09

This doesn't sound as if she doesn't like you in particular. It sounds as if she feels lonely and left out, whether rationally or irrationally.

This. Just be kind to her. I know it's not your job but she's probably depressed with all the world is going through.

lukasiak · 18/07/2020 03:13

This isn't somebody not liking you, this is someone lashing out because they're feeling hurt. Don't make an issue where there isn't one. If you're bored, take up knitting instead.

copperoliver · 18/07/2020 03:22

She's a spoilt jealous Pratt who can't stand the fact the attention is not all on her. I personally would not go and visit her anymore, if her son wanted to take the baby to see her he could, but I would not go. X

jessstan2 · 18/07/2020 03:51

If you've always got on, I would let this one go. It sounds out of character for her to behave like that. Something unrelated probably triggered her insecurities. How would she know your husband saw his dad anyway ?

Get husband to smooth things over and maybe he will find out a bit more.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 18/07/2020 03:56

I think the whole crazy Covid situation is starting to really get to some people. See how she is going forward, and if it's a one off try and ignore it. Could she be feeling lonely or vulnerable?

I'm sorry her behaviour has upset you. 💐

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2020 03:58

Wash your hands of it, op. Let your husband deal with her and back waaaaaaay off.

FrogmellaSlob · 18/07/2020 04:18

expat101 That is truly awful. Flowers

Laserbird16 · 18/07/2020 04:33

As others have said this isn't about you. Your MIL is obviously acting out as she feels lonely/insecure/in competition with her ex partner for DH's attention.

Don't take it personally, don't get involved, change nothing you do. No pandering but be kind where you can if it doesn't escalate the situation.

Look at it as good practice for when you have an attention seeking three year old. This is really between her and DH.

WombOfOnesOwn · 18/07/2020 04:40

If she's never been like this before, keep in mind that becoming a grandparent can throw people for a loop and uncover deeply-hidden anxieties and insecurities.

I will never forget when my MIL went ballistic on me and my DH when I was about 6 months pregnant, after I made a social media post about how while I would never drink pregnant (I don't even drink not pregnant!), guidance that even a small amount of alcohol would be horrible for the fetus hasn't been borne out by research.

Oh, she went absolutely mad! Acted like I must not care about the baby (I had been trying for years), and like I was telling my friends to go get wasted (none of my close friends are drinkers either!).

A couple of weeks later it blew over and she sent a small gift, her way of apologizing without actually saying "I'm sorry." She is a brilliant grandmother to her grandsons now, and we haven't had so much as a wobble in our relationship since. I think it just struck her all of a sudden how little control she had, and as a very "Type A" person, it scared her to death that I could have made a choice that would harm her grandson!

I try to remind myself that maybe someday I'll go mad when my DIL is expecting my first grandchild, and I hope she'll give me the same patience I gave MIL (even though I think at the time I did come to MN and have a good moan about it).

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2020 05:16

Try not to take it personally. Some people are going a bit bonkers in lockdown. Becoming a grandparent is compounding the issues and her comments are about her and her fears, not you. Idk which way to vote tbh as there isn’t really an AIBU.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/07/2020 05:18

I think she's jealous.
She thinks you like her exH better than her, and she can't stand that.
She also thinks that once your baby comes that your DH will be more focused on you and your baby, and less on her.

In the kindest light, she might be feeling scared because of covid, and worrying that she's alone and no one loves her - she might be becoming depressed.

So - either her "true feelings" are coming out now, or she's developing a bit of paranoia. I don't know how you find out which, but for now, try to look on the kind side until it's proven to be the other.

Destroyedpeople · 18/07/2020 05:23

Honestly it sounds like lockdown has got to her and she is voicing thoughts that she shouldn't. ...
I mean...we all sometimes have bad thoughts but (usually ) manage to keep a lid on them.
Also....as a PP said ...it's a potentially difficult age. Speaking as an older woman myself...

Dreamcatcher34 · 18/07/2020 05:49

Again, it sounds as though she’s lonely. She’s worried she won’t see her son, she’s worried she won’t see her grandchild and she’s worried that you don’t like her. Lockdown has been pretty awful for most people and brought any mental health issues to the surface. I would just reassure her that you do like her, and that she will have a good relationship with her grandchild once covid has calmed down.

She may even have abandonment issues from splitting with her ex.

I think you’ll feel a lot better about it if you respond with kindness rather than anger. You come across as a caring person from your post, so it will probably come more naturally to you than to respond angrily anyway. Sound as though she’s struggling and needs some reassurance. We are all down and irrational sometimes and we say things we don’t mean.

Hope it’s resolved soon.

JellyTipisthebest · 18/07/2020 05:59

dont worry to much if she has been stuck inside during lockdown she just maybe stressed, upset, frightened and not thinking straight.
Let dh handle it but cut her some slack for the time being.
I live in NZ so we are back to normal now its really interesting watching how different people coped or not. Some people are still to scared to go out. we are 60 plus days without

PicsInRed · 18/07/2020 06:01

Does your FIL still communicate with her?
Could that be where she is getting her "information"?