How 'acceptable' is rough play amongst young boys?

[Celebratealice]

There is one 5 year old boy in my son's class who does a lot of rough playing - tackling, pushing and I've seen punching before. I personally wouldn't allow that sort of behaviour at all for my own son, but the other mother seems to ignore it. He does it to the other boys and I haven't seen any other children find it 'fun'. Would you say something to the rough child? And would you let the school know?

That's not rough play it's bullying. Not the same thing.

They need boundaries. They need to learn the difference between fun & violence. Sounds like someone isn't helping him find those limits.

When you have you observed the lad with his mum... who sees any other parents interact with their kids much nowadays?

Yeoldetrout - I've seen this at the park after-school and class birthday parties

I think rough play (no punching) is acceptable in boys and girls if everyone is enjoying it. But that's not what you are describing.

I forget those things ever happened.

I think if no one is getting hurt, and it's not getting out of hand, and the others are fine, I would not interfere.

You say the others don't seem to like it, however. In that case, it would depend on their ages. I might reign him in if they are younger, if they are older I would be increasingly likely to let them handle it themselves. I might however encourage the other kids to speak up and tell him to buzz off, or ask the child in question whether he thinks the others are enjoying what he's doing.

If it seemed like he was regularly having problems with the other kids, I'd probably talk to him about appropriate behaviour, interpreting the other kids boundaries, and maybe help remind him when he was reverting to his old behaviours.

Making excuses for so-called rough play is where so much of the trouble starts with male violence. It's never acceptable.

Boys will be held responsible for their fucking actions boys.

If my son was the target, I wouldn't be standing round watching, I'd wade in. Or if other kid was being a general pest at a group get-together. I wouldn't be waiting for useless mum to step up. But I used to be a teacher, it's an almost involuntary response.

My sons are around that age and they (and many of their friends, some girls as well as boys) like to play like that. I let them, but if someone gets upset or shouts "no" I insist that they have to stop immediately.

Rough play is fine if everyone playing is happy with it. If one child is taking it too far or continually being too hard on the others, that's just bullying and yes I would say something, and have done before, but only because ds2 is quite shy. He is actually tough as nails and can give his older brother a run for his money, but wouldn't do it to anyone other than his dad and brother incase he got told off.

My theory has always been: 1 child’s fun stops when the other child’s pain begins. I say that as a parent to a child who likes extremely rough play. It’s all well and good if everyone is enjoying it, it is no way acceptable if people are getting hurt.

Obviously if a child is saying no then that counts as a reason to stop it.

Anyway, there is a lot of evidence that rough play is important for kids, just as it is for young animals. So i'd never discourage it all the time.

Play is only play when both are playing.

It's the same as the water pistol rule. You're using one, expect to get wet.

If this boy is the only one being rough and he not getting metaphorically wet, he's a straight up bully. It's not playing.

Tackling, maybe ok on a sports field. Rolling about, tickling, play “fighting with a sibling if they’re both laughing, ok. Punching, not at all, anywhere. Boys or girls.

I think physical play is different from rough play and I don’t allow the latter.

My DS is much bigger than his friends (not fat, just much taller and more dense) and I don’t want him hurting people. He’s also autistic so I don’t want the confusing communication that says ‘rough is sometimes ok but sometimes it’s not’.

In your situation I’d wade in or I’d point it out to the mother ‘Sandra - your son is getting a bit rough with that boy - you best go nip it in the bud’ and if she didn’t react I’d deal myself.

So long as rough play is truly consensual it should be allowed for both sexes. Bravery and physical robustness are good things learnt from rough, consensual play.

My son hates rough play and so steers clear at school/parties but if I see it and can see he’s uncomfortable I will intervene.

However some of the kids in his class seem to thoroughly enjoy it.

Like pp said, it stops being ‘play’ when kids aren’t enjoying it and that’s when it’s time to step in.

DS2 and his friends love rough play, it nearly always ends up with someone getting hurt but it never seems to stop them

Rough 'play' is only 'play' when ALL parties involved are having fun.

There is good natured rough housing, and then there's bullying under the guise of 'playing'.

And yes, I so would say something to somebody else's child if they are overstepping, just as I was happy to accept my DSs to be hauled up on bad behaviour by other parents if I was not aware. Takes a village.

If you encouraged your son to fight back in certain situations what would be the mum’s reaction do you think? Many parents only like rough play when it’s their child being rough.

Rough play always leads to one knock hit or punch too hard which leads to others getting hurt.

I wouldn’t allow it and I doubt school would either.

Same amount as is acceptable in girls 👍

I have a boy and a girl and they spend all their time wrestling, jumping on each other etc. I let most of it go but do try to re-enforce boundaries around making sure no one is getting hurt, if someone says stop, saying sorry etc.

They only play with each other like that, not with classmates or friends.

In the situation you describe OP I would definitely be saying something. I don't give a shit about other parents thinking I'm overstepping or whatever. The happiness and safety of the children involved is my priority!

I’ve suffered my fair share of birthday parties and boys do tend to rough play. I think boys and girls are inherently different - even if we’re not allowed to say that any more

That being said, my DS is a lover not a fighter and avoids rough and tumble at all costs.

I agree that if no thy parties aren’t having fun then it’s not rough play and errs into the side of bullying.