How 'acceptable' is rough play amongst young boys?

[Celebratealice]

There is one 5 year old boy in my son's class who does a lot of rough playing - tackling, pushing and I've seen punching before. I personally wouldn't allow that sort of behaviour at all for my own son, but the other mother seems to ignore it. He does it to the other boys and I haven't seen any other children find it 'fun'. Would you say something to the rough child? And would you let the school know?

My two eldest sons (7 &8) play wrestle and dive on each other and it always starts with laughing and ends up in tears! If there is any punching, grabbing round the neck, one is crying it is immediately ended. But they are siblings. I would never let either boy play like this with another child (and I honestly believe they never would as they're pretty shy outside the house). Id say something I think, even just a stern 'careful' or 'nicely '. Has.no-one ever pulled him up on this?

"it's only a joke if everyone's laughing" is my go to phrase on this one.

I work in an infant school and spend my life nagging boys to stop play fighting! I personally do not like it and don't allow it at school or home with my 2 boys (4 and 6). However some of them really seem to find it fun. They are so disappointed that they are not allowed to do it and often say my dad/mum lets me. My oldest son is very sensitive and has a boy in his class who is a bit rough. The boy probably thinks it's a game but it really upsets my son and he doesn't like it.

It's only okay if everyone involved is happy. There is a boy like that in my dds reception class, my dd does not play rough at all and gets quite upset, the teacher always intervenes and tells him off but I get so pissed off with his mother, the amount of times I've heard her say "boys will be boys". I haven't seen her for a while now but I'm going to start pulling her up on it

My son loves rough play, all his friends do but there is a child in their class whose rough play isn’t so much rough play, as what you’ve described.

The other boys don’t like playing with him and they actively try and avoid him now. His mum has never done anything to stop him hitting, biting and pushing the other children yet is now perplexed that they don’t play with him.

Boys or girls, 'rough play' such as chasing each other , physicality in sport, clambering over each other on a bouncy castle/soft play all fine. Play fighting which inevitably leads to real fighting, pushing, shoving, punching all unacceptable.

Yeah, it's not "rough play" when it's all the time, without boundaries, and includes one child repeatedly punching others.

Physical play, demanding exercise (pushing or pulling heavy things etc) all great. This, no.

The trouble is, when someone finally draws a line, it can be too late. There was a child like this in my child's class. I didn't realise how bad it was until the end of Y2 because the school had done such a "boys will be boys" job on the class that the children stopped complaining - when clothes were torn, younger children's glasses were stolen and stamped on, people were hit...the children in that class thought it was normal because that child was somehow allowed.

When I heard about a particular escalation and the school shrugged it off, I removed my child. After a week in the new school they were so happy "it's so nice not having to worry all the time who's going to get hit today".

My rule is, as soon as one person says stop, you stop immediately.
Tears happen. My rule is, the person who caused the tears has to say "sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, are you okay?"

I think kids NEED rough and tumble play to learn physical boundaries and assertiveness.

I don't think it's your place to mention something to the school unless it's impacting your child.
We don't do punching or kicking, that's not play. We have play fights but these revolve around tickling and laughter

I work with young children and often observe the boys and some of the girls playing games like super heroes which can get rough, mainly though there is a lot of waving arms around and a lot of chasing with a bit of pushing and holding on to each other but mainly the children are quite careful not to actually hurt each other and there are unwritten rules as to what is ok. I have noticed that if a child frequently breaks the rules and hurts other children the others don't want to play with them. I would definitely intervene if it was getting too rough, but children need to play these games when they are young in order to learn what is acceptable.

Rough play (girls or boys) yes, bullying (girls or boys) no. There needs to be consent though. If anybody says no or wants to stop, it stops. The same with tickling etc. Anything physical has to be consensual. If anyone gets hurt it ends too, even if they want to continue the game.

IME boys are generally communicate things more physically. Love and anger both! So actually it's really important to teach them from a young age about what is and isn't ok long before they become teenagers and men

Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is happy and there's no bullying.

All this male violence shit.

Back in the real world and not the sparkly imaginary utopia some people live in, sometimes violence can only prevented by a greater application of controlled violence.

It's called defending yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

My kids rough play at home all the time with each other (both 6 and 7) they don't do it with other kids, though never told them they can't as such they just never do, they know it's just a sibling thing.

When I had DD at soft play she never got hurt or smacked. In the school line the boys were always pushing whereas the girls lined up.
Since I had DS he got a punch or slap every time we went to soft play, he is a huge DC he'd stand sobbing, the last time a small skinny boy flipped him over and started to stamp on him, I was on the mat in seconds thank god.
I find myself telling him to hit back I'm enrolling him in martial arts when he turns 6. As shit as it is it's not changing any time in the near future he needs the confidence to defend himself.

To answer your OP. No and no.

I find myself telling him to hit back I'm enrolling him in martial arts when he turns 6. As shit as it is it's not changing any time in the near future he needs the confidence to defend himself

Absolutely the right thing to do.

Just because someone can fight it doesn't mean they have to. That's what any sort of training encourages. If anything violence is dissuaded unless absolutely necessary.
Then when the bullies come along they can be dealt with appropriately. Through childhood and into adulthood.

When has speaking nicely to a bully ever worked?
Same as when has trying to reason with a wild angry drunk. It doesn't work.

Punching people as hard as possible in the face unfortunately is the often the only thing that has the desired effect.

Yes martial arts is perfect for teaching them there is a time and place, a proper technique for self defence etc. Gets their energy out too and teaches them about respect etc.

@Emeraldshamrock - why wouldn't you say anything to the child? My worry is that if I do say something he will 'get back' at my son when I'm not looking. If the mother is doing nothing though so I just let my child endure it?

My policy has generally been 'no violence' but it's gone on so much I don't know what to do now. It is very, very clearly unwanted from all the children. There is no laughing or running. It is literally just this child trying to pull or push other kids while they are walking around and it has now escalated to punching.

My acceptance for rough play past the age of three is the same for both my son and daughter.

Zero.

I do however agree with learning defensive art and punching a bully square in the face as soon as they start.

@Celebratealice No I really wouldn't say anything to someone else's DC.
If it happened in front of me I'd stop the DC hitting. I'd say it to their teacher or the child's parents depending on where it is happening.

That’s not rough play though. Clearly this child has some kind of social difficulty or behavioural issues and requires additional support.

Definately say something, that's not playing. Child and mother need telling.