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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL not to visit?

51 replies

caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 16:37

Need help on how to deal with this one!

FIL lives approx 200 miles away, alone, has a partner but they don’t live together. BIL and family not far from him. He came down to visit us last week for the first time since Feb. The trouble is that he has a (recent ish) health condition whereby he has a flap of skin in his throat that food gets caught in and causes him to choke every time he eats, so literally every mouthful he is coughing which must be uncomfortable for him but also not nice for anyone else! It wasn’t pleasant last time he came to stay but with the whole Covid situation it is now really awkward that he is sitting at our table coughing everywhere. Water does not help and can make it worse. He does not seem to think this is an issue. He is on a waiting list for an operation but goodness knows how long that will take at the moment.

AIBU to ask Dh to say that he can’t visit until it is sorted? I feel really mean. He would normally come every 3 months or so. He is due to come to us for Christmas as well.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/07/2020 16:40

But he's not coughing because he's got covid, he's got a medical issue. I've been coughing a lot recently because of my asthma, I'd be upset if my family wouldn't want me around because of that.

Splitsunrise · 17/07/2020 16:40

I don’t really know how you’d say this politely but god it sounds gross!!! It’s DH’s job anyway...discuss with him first

totalitarian · 17/07/2020 16:45

Poor soul. He's not got Covid though...
So I don't get why you don't want him?

legalseagull · 17/07/2020 16:47

I think this is really cruel. You know he's not coughing because of Covid. It's not his fault you think his medical condition is a problem. Poor man. You shouldn't exclude someone because of illness or disability

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 16:47

No I get that he is not coughing because of Covid, but if he were asymptomatic and coughing, he would spread it, no?

splitsunrise dh asked me to ask Mumsnet what to do Grin

OP posts:
Butterflyonmyshoulder · 17/07/2020 16:48

How do you think he feels?

dontdisturbmenow · 17/07/2020 16:49

Don't you think that he feels awful about it, that it makes him very uncomfortable, maybe it's even painful. That he is scared of the upcoming surgery and that what he desperately need right now is some comfort and distraction from it all.

But hey, he should just stay away because you're not prepared to make an effort and try to ignore it?

adagio · 17/07/2020 16:51

To be honest I see your point - whether you are coughing because you have COVID, or coughing for another reason and happen to have asyptomatic COVID, the net result is you are coughing the virus everywhere (so aerosol germs flying all over the shop). Not sure how easy it is to tell him though! Awkward.

AIMD · 17/07/2020 16:51

Are you concerned about Covid or do you just not like him coughing constantly regardless of Covid? It’s hard to tell

donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2020 16:52

YWBVU and mean to say that to him.

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 16:52

I am honestly not meaning to be cruel. It was me who invited him as I knew he had been lonely during lockdown. If IABU - happy to go with the verdict - what do we do about family mealtimes? What would you do? Just ignore it?

OP posts:
Alloverthegrapevine · 17/07/2020 16:53

DH has just being diagnosed with a condition which will increasingly make him a bit "yuk" to be around.

The thought that people may want him to stay away, especially including our sons and their families is making me feel quite tearful.

You are being really very unkind OP. I hope you never get ill.

BeingLonely · 17/07/2020 16:55

I have a family member with the same issue but sadly wouldn’t survive the operation so it just goes on. It’s horrible but they take themselves away from the table during a ‘choking’ incident so as not to disturb everyone else.

I wouldn’t dream of not having said family member over because of this. Yes it’s not very nice but it’s cruel to leave them out

elenacampana · 17/07/2020 16:57

I can see it wouldn’t be pleasant but honestly, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on with it. We don’t always like things in life and we can’t always turn our backs on them. It’d be an exceptionally selfish move towards someone who’s already having a very hard time. Go to wherever you keep your compassion and use some.

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2020 16:57

Imagine it was the other way round. You have an unavoidable medical condition that you are aware makes life difficult for you but doesn’t actually affect anyone else.

How would you feel if they excluded you?

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 16:58

allover I am sorry to hear about your dh. Perhaps I should have asked a different question. It is not that we don’t want to see him at all. It is more that someone coughing everywhere during a meal when you are in close proximity to them is a bit more of a big deal nowadays than it was.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 17/07/2020 16:58

Yes he could bring down the virus to you and be coughing all over you.

I would find it gross too.

AIMD · 17/07/2020 17:00

@caitlinohara

I am honestly not meaning to be cruel. It was me who invited him as I knew he had been lonely during lockdown. If IABU - happy to go with the verdict - what do we do about family mealtimes? What would you do? Just ignore it?
Just ignore it and give your self some space from it when you need by taking yourself off to bedroom/out for a walk every now and then. That’s what I would do anyway.

Or maybe buy some plugs to go in your ear to dampen the sound a bit if it’s a sensory thing and the sound really gets to you.

SharonasCorona · 17/07/2020 17:00

And my dad died of smoking related cancer, it’s very different when he coughing due a terminal disease.

Alloverthegrapevine · 17/07/2020 17:01

At least be honest OP. Your concern, in your ow words, is that it's "unpleasant". If you have him as a house guest and he does happen to have asymptomatic Covid, surely you are highly likely to catch it whether he coughs or not?

AIMD · 17/07/2020 17:01

@SharonasCorona

Yes he could bring down the virus to you and be coughing all over you.

I would find it gross too.

Surely even if he wasn’t coughing if your sat having dinner with him you’d catch it anyway. I’m assuming your not sitting with masks on at opposite ends of the house.
OlaEliza · 17/07/2020 17:02

@caitlinohara

I am honestly not meaning to be cruel. It was me who invited him as I knew he had been lonely during lockdown. If IABU - happy to go with the verdict - what do we do about family mealtimes? What would you do? Just ignore it?
Put napkins on the table so he can cover his mouth properly and get on with it Hmm
Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:03

grapevine well that’s a fair point I suppose.

AIMD he doesn’t cough all the time, it’s just when he is eating so it’s mealtimes that are the issue.

OP posts:
Barryisland · 17/07/2020 17:06

Aww you sound sooooo kind. NOT.
Is there a shed you could stick him in to eat so you dont have to look at him?Hmm

SharonasCorona · 17/07/2020 17:06

Surely even if he wasn’t coughing if your sat having dinner with him you’d catch it anyway. I’m assuming your not sitting with masks on at opposite ends of the house

Not necessarily. I know people who had it but didn’t pass it on to their husband/wife/children.

Cough droplets are the fastest to spread the virus, from what I’ve seen in the news.