Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL not to visit?

51 replies

caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 16:37

Need help on how to deal with this one!

FIL lives approx 200 miles away, alone, has a partner but they don’t live together. BIL and family not far from him. He came down to visit us last week for the first time since Feb. The trouble is that he has a (recent ish) health condition whereby he has a flap of skin in his throat that food gets caught in and causes him to choke every time he eats, so literally every mouthful he is coughing which must be uncomfortable for him but also not nice for anyone else! It wasn’t pleasant last time he came to stay but with the whole Covid situation it is now really awkward that he is sitting at our table coughing everywhere. Water does not help and can make it worse. He does not seem to think this is an issue. He is on a waiting list for an operation but goodness knows how long that will take at the moment.

AIBU to ask Dh to say that he can’t visit until it is sorted? I feel really mean. He would normally come every 3 months or so. He is due to come to us for Christmas as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:13

Fair do’s guys. I think I should have reframed my question to a what would you do because I really just wanted some advice about to handle what is an awkward situation. I get that it is unreasonable to ask him not to visit and I don’t really want to do that, it would be mean. We are not vulnerable but my parents and sister are so I still think we will have to rethink Christmas dinner, probably have to do separate days or something, not sure but plenty of time to think about that.

A discreetly placed napkin it is then! Smile

OP posts:
AIMD · 17/07/2020 17:15

@caitlinohara

grapevine well that’s a fair point I suppose.

AIMD he doesn’t cough all the time, it’s just when he is eating so it’s mealtimes that are the issue.

Ah right. Given he is only staying for short time I guess you could suggest a few ways you can social distance while he’s staying....include eating separately as one of those things along with a. Few other things . That’s if the covid thing is your concern?
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/07/2020 17:15

To be honest I would feel nauseated eating with someone doing this.

tara66 · 17/07/2020 17:16

It is a difficult one. Depends on his attitude. He does have a partner for company at home. When will he get the op.? Honestly most people would not expect to have sociable meals with this condition. Sorry for him but I would not expect others to tolerate eating with me if I had it. Perhaps say you're looking forward to him coming after the op. but you now have to self isolate unexpectedly.

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:26

AIMD the Covid thing just makes it so much more noticeable. I coughed a couple of times randomly in the supermarket the other week and about 10 people’s heads whipped round Blush

To be clear - he visited last week. We wouldn’t normally see him now for a couple of months.

OP posts:
Hobbesmanc · 17/07/2020 17:26

@Disfordarkchocolate

To be honest I would feel nauseated eating with someone doing this.
Really- bloody hell there's some unkind and judgey people on this post. The word gross has been used by several posters. Surely as empathetic adults we can stop being so juvenile- thousands of people with disabilities, medical conditions etc have challenges eating - as do small kids to be fair. Should they all eat on their own? Can you imagine the outrage if she didnt want to see a relative as they have Downs Syndrome and eat with their mouth open, or have Motor Neurone and dribble.
SharonasCorona · 17/07/2020 17:30

Why is he visiting so soon OP?

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:31

AIMD i would hate to ask him to sit in another room to eat, it would feel mean and would make him feel awful I am sure. I suppose that is better than not having him at all. But then of course yes I see that if he is here anyway and has it then we are basically all getting it! Omg so difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:33

shArona he visited last week because I invited him As soon as the rules relaxed, he won’t be coming again for a couple of months.

OP posts:
Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:35

hobbesmanc that’s an interesting point, but irrelevant to my question. If he had any of the conditions you mention, they would not present a threat to other people during a pandemic, which is my concern.

OP posts:
Hobbesmanc · 17/07/2020 17:40

@caitlinohara

hobbesmanc that’s an interesting point, but irrelevant to my question. If he had any of the conditions you mention, they would not present a threat to other people during a pandemic, which is my concern.
I actually understand your concern and I'm sure you wouldn't want to shame your FIL

Its the posters saying they would feel nauseated and couldn't eat, or how gross he is that make me mad. Totally selfish and just mean

Molly500 · 17/07/2020 17:40

I think you just need to suck it up OP. The visits are few and far between and hes your FIL. The covid thing is just an excuse as I suspect the real reason is because you dont want to be sat at the table with someone choking. Can't blame you for that. Covid is only relevant if he has it and he could spread it without coughing anyway by touching things etc.

Lysianthus · 17/07/2020 17:42

If he is choking on every mouthful, I suggest he gets a referral to the dietician. He could eat dysphagia foods, basically puréed everything, which means he’ll be getting a nutritionally balanced meal and not aggravating his condition. If he does some research (Wiltshire farm foods sell them) he might come to the conclusion himself that this solves, albeit temporarily, his problem. Of course he’s aware and possibly embarrassed but wants to ignore it because sometimes that’s easier than facing old age head on, if that makes sense. You’re not U to be worried but finding a kind solution would be best for everyone.

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 17:48

Lysianthus that’s a good suggestion, thank you. It might at least be good to have a conversation about what foods we could make him that would minimise it. It is difficult as I don’t think he sees the issue really, he was planning on going on an AI holiday in September with partner so i don’t think he has an issue with eating in public.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/07/2020 17:53

Panendoscopy is what he's waiting for where they stick the camera down his throat and have a look and then the surgeon stretches/dilates the throat.

Poor man, it's terribly uncomfortable to live with.

Dairy increases mucus which is to be avoided as it makes it worse.

Sipping water continuously waters down the mucus which helps.
Crumbs can be very tricky.

He has to be careful with what he eats.

Poor man.
Family member has had the procedure done twice.
It made a huge difference but lasted about a year, then had to be done again.

It is an exhausting, uncomfortable condition that can also give sore throats and make speaking at length awful.

Poor man OP.
He has my sympathy.

Not life threatening but bloody uncomfortable.

I can understand the coughing is annoying but I'd be very sympathetic to him.

JaJaDing · 17/07/2020 17:55

Coughing at the table like that must be horrible for your FIL, more horrible to think that you don't want him to come and visit because of it!

Realistically, what will be the chances of him actually having covid? I mean if he's retired and staying home most of the time, it's pretty slim right now. If he's working in a meat factory or hospital, or spends all day in the pub then that's different. But I still don't think you've got enough reason to tell him he can't visit.

Just put a napkin on the table so he can cover his mouth, if your family are vulnerable you could explain that to him and ask him if he would be happy to self isolate for 14 days before a visit. Bit extreme, but better than telling him he can't visit at all.

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 18:00

jajading just to be clear (again!) he has just visited, and I have already acknowledged that it would be unreasonable to ask him not to visit.
billy I think he already had the camera thing. We did offer him water last weekend when he was here but he says that makes it worse because the water gets trapped along with the food.

OP posts:
JaJaDing · 17/07/2020 18:07

@caitlinohara

The title of the your thread is:
"would I be unreasonable to ask FIL not to visit?
HmmConfused

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 17/07/2020 18:07

dh asked me to ask Mumsnet what to do grin - I like your DH!
YANBU - that sounds really unpleasant.
I understand how mean it might come across, but I wouldn’t let him stay with us until the operation resolved this issue. Possibly go over to the area where he lives and stay in hotel but visit him for everything but a meal.
Maybe a private operation rather waiting for NHS?

Original poster
caitlinohara · 17/07/2020 18:14

jajading I should have said “again” perhaps, but in any case, I have acknowledged that the Mumsnet jury has spoken! I was really after some advice, I think Lysianthus has the best course of action. Dh says he will talk to him about seeing a dietician, I’m not sure how he will manage on an AI holiday though.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/07/2020 18:36

Or have a buffet or outdoor meal so you can sit further apart?

billy1966 · 17/07/2020 19:15

Yes water with food would do that.
It's actually sipping water without food, throughout the day that helps thin the mucus and help his swallow.

wineandroses1 · 17/07/2020 20:45

My MIL had cancer of the oesophagus before she died. She would try to eat with family but often her throat would close and she would be gagging and leave the room so as not to offend. Some younger family members found it horrible and it made them feel sick, they told me. I told them to suck it up frankly FFS. she was struggling with this horror every day and slowly dying. They took it on board and stopped moaning.

mrsbyers · 17/07/2020 20:52

Ask him to use a napkin or handkerchief to at least cover his mouth but as someone with a father who has Parkinson’s and COPD I wouldn’t dream of excluding someone for a medical condition that made him more prone to coughing

Porcupineinwaiting · 17/07/2020 20:57

Look if he's got COVID and comes to stay the chances are he's going to infect you whether you let him eat or not. I mean, you let him talk right?