Possible house move but issue with neighbour

[Slipjigger]

I live in a 3 bed semi and have been looking to move house for about 2 years now. I am very fussy about the location (I live in a small town and I want to stay here and be within safe walking distance of the schools) so this is really narrowing my choices. We just want a bigger house and garden.

Anyway a perfect house has just come up for sale, the location is ideal, the house size is perfect, its a little over budget but there may be wiggle room.
The potential problem is the next door neighbour. This house is in a small private development of 8 houses, electric gates into it. The house beside the one for sale is the family of a child my DS goes to school with. This child has some issues - mam told me he is dyslexic, has dyspraxia and ADHD. The child started school here 2 years ago. He made no friends besides my DS. He is a nice child and DS took to him straight away, they have a lot in common. He came to our house a few times, DS went to his, they both went to each others birthday parties, etc.
I was glad he found a friend in DS and they get on very well. I know his mam was delighted for him to have found a friend.
The problem was the boy got very attached to DS, only wanted to play with him in school on their own. DS stopped playing with his other friends and it became just the two of them for a while. I dont think this is a good thing, I would like DS to have a range of friends, I have personal experience of how bad things can turn when its just two close friends to the exclusion of others.

I encouraged DS to play with his normal group of friends and include this boy in the hopes he would make other friends. DS did this but the boy didnt really want that and wanted it to be just the two of them. He wouldnt play with the group and tbh I dont think the other boys like him so maybe thats why.

I pulled back on the play dates and encouraged DS to play with his other friends a bit more. This worked and the boy began to play with other kids and seemed to have made a few friends.

DS had a play date with him last week, while I though the boy had made other friends his mam said that he had no contact with other kids since school closed. Since that playdate the boys are constantly messaging each other, video calling, asking for more playdates.

I dont have a problem with the boy (I have a close relation with the same issues and I know the upset of having a child who doesnt fit it and doesnt have friends and I know how delighted his mam must be that he has a good friend) but I dont like the way he commandeers my DS and they way he gives up the rest of his friends.
I am worried if we are living next door to this child that it will exacerbate the problem. My DS is a lovely child and he doesnt notice this boy's quirks or if he does he doesnt mind them. Unfortunately other kids are not so forgiving. The only issue I have is that he is possessive of DS (I can understand why) and I am worried living beside him in a small private estate with no other children will make this worse. I have visions of him knocking on the door day in day out and my heart being borken.
Its so unfortunate as the house would be ideal.
Am I making too much out of it?

Yes.

Wow you really don’t like that little boy do you? Why does it matter if other kids notice this boys quirks.

As the mother of an autistic child your post makes me quite sick. The condescension towards the boys mother. The micro management of your sons friendships. Don’t move next to this boy. He deserves a much better neighbour than you.

Is his mum someone who will be open to helping her son change behaviours like constantly knocking if it starts to annoy you? If your son decides not to continue the friendship at some point, for example when they get older, is the fallout likely to lead to bad neighbour relations?

If mum is likely to be offended by being told that something her son is doing is becoming difficult for you to cope with or to make a fuss if the friendship naturally declines, I'd find a different house. If not, take the perfect house and enjoy having someone nearby to keep your son occupied!

My son had a boy at school attach himself to him around the age of 6/7 i saw my happy child become quiet and just not himself, i realised what was happening , the boy threatened my son if he played with other friends.
It was towards end of term and i decided i would ask for my son to be put in a different class for the next year, school had already noticed and split them .
I saw the weight lift from my sons shoulders when he knew they were in different classes.
So i would be very wary .

Yes, if you move this child will likely be knocking at your door a lot. You are quite right to want to protect your son from another child who is so possessive they try to stop your son playing with other friends.

As the mother of a child with ASD who has those traits, I’d absolutely want you to encourage your DS to have other friends. Despite what others say, children with additional needs can have a very one track mind and it can cause them to focus on one person to the exclusion of all others. This isn’t healthy for either children, and it’s my job as a parent to make sure it doesn’t happen because it is a sure fire way to cause my child’s friends to lose interest and not want to interact with him.

Also, i didn’t see any condescension in your post. Ignore the PP who clearly doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about. You sound lovely and considerate of both the boy and your own child’s needs.

@Daisyhut, you have it totally wrong. My only issue with the boy is the fact he is trying to have DS to himself to the exclusion of other.

@SilverDragonfly1 I dont think his mum would be happy for the friendship to end as she encourages it. She has another older child who has issues also who she told me has no friends in his school and is anxious and depressed. She told me she would do anything for him to a have a friend. I have to assume she feels the same way about the younger boy and his friendship with my DS.

@tsmainsqueeze I am glad your child is good now. I dont think this boy would be mean but he is very tall where my DS is tiny and I have seen him put his arms around DS and move him away from his other friends to play with him. That worries me a bit.

In that case, I'd look for somewhere else. If there are friendship issues in the future, you don't want that to escalate to neighbour issues as well.

OP, do not be put off by the hysterical comments you are starting to get already. You are right to be concerned about your child being isolated. However, as he grows up he will learn to say no and choose his own friends, so go for the house.

I would not go for the house.

My daughter has a friend who has no other friends, only wants to play with DD and threatens and emotionally blackmails if DD plays with anyone else.

The pressure on a small child to 'be nice' is too much and in our case has created very real distress trying to balance teachers saying 'be kind', and DDs very reasonable wish to be 'allowed' to play with some other friends too.

Having that at home as well as school would be unbearable.

Thanks @blurpityblurp and @BoggledBudgie. I really didnt mean to sound condescending. Like I said I have a close relation (child) with similar issues and I know thats how his mam feels.

I dont want to stop the friendship, DS isnt friends with him out of any sense of goodness or social responsibility, he really likes him, they get on a like a house on fire. Its just purely the exclusion of others and my worry that living next door will make his boy want/expect an even tighter friendship.

I wouldn't buy the house, OP. It's very annoying and sad, but the risk of an upsetting situation developing is too great.

I dont think you sound micro managing or condescending. I encourage my dc to try and be friendly with lots of people too.

A few years ago my eldest had a very possessive friend. It put other people off being with them. She started to monopolise my dd.

I'm so glad we weren't neighbours.

I would look elsewhere.
It could make the friendship too intense. If the boy is constantly knocking round it’s going to get uncomfortable. And you can’t even lie and pretend you’re going out somewhere or busy, as they’ll be able to see you.

@Daisyhut A parent is perfectly entitled to want their child to have more than one friend and to not want another child to pressure their child into being friends with them solely.

OP: Throughout nursery and primary school I only had one friend as me and this girl actively excluded anyone else from joining us (we didn't want anyone in our club). When the friendship fizzled out as they so often do at that age I was left with no friends for two years until I went to secondary school and met new people. I strongly encourage your feeling of ensuring your son doesn't stop seeing his other friends, at that age friendships are so volatile and can be over as soon as they begin!

I would look elsewhere too.

They can still be friends and meet up but it would be too easy for this little boy to become too reliant on your son and children do need more than one friend.
For both their sakes it might be better to have a bit of a distance.

My son is autistic and I am absolutely not offended by your post. As parents we all want what's best for our own kids and your point of view is totally reasonable.

I would not move so close. My ds goes through these obsessive phases, not usually with people but with objects. The more he is exposes to them the stronger it gets. I think that moving so close would exacerbate this boys possessiveness over your son and it would get worse before it gets better which really isn't helpful for either of them.

I would keep looking, I wouldn't want to live in such close proximity to any of my children's classmates. As they get older I think it's really important to have friends and interests outside of the school circle.

@Daisyhut

Wow you really don’t like that little boy do you? Why does it matter if other kids notice this boys quirks.

As the mother of an autistic child your post makes me quite sick. The condescension towards the boys mother. The micro management of your sons friendships. Don’t move next to this boy. He deserves a much better neighbour than you.

WOW thats nothing like what she is saying at all !

I think your right to be concerned and I don't think the move would be a good idea either.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP!

There’s another thread where the OP’s DS is being followed around by another child constantly and the response was prioritise your child.

I would keep looking for another house.

Thanks guys, I appreciate your opinions. I am glad I didn't offend most of you with children with special needs as that certainly wasn't the intention of my post.
I do think if we moved there I would be more actively trying to keep them apart which I dont want to do. I was already thinking about how the boy would feel if DS had other friends over and he wasnt invited to play with them. I wouldnt want him to feel left out but on the other hand DS has to be able to have play dates without him.
I think I will have to keep looking so.

Thanks again.

Here’s the thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3968945-Should-I-try-and-make-DS-play-with-this-boy

OP, I don't think you are being condescending or micro-managing your son's friendships. I do think you will have problems if you move next door to the boy. I think you are right in wanting your DS to mix with other children as well. Living next door may make your DS feel more obligated to be his friend and, if your son spends time with others, the other little boy may see and become upset by it. I wouldn't move there.

Teach ss to be assertive. If he is that nice this will happen again in his school life. Friend had similar with her daughter. She taught her to say at school 'I'm playing with xyz today' and stuck with that. I wouldnt let his stop you buying a house that's perfect. As a parent you put boundries in place.

I think you’re doing the right thing by continuing to look. It sounds as though you think this boys mum will see you arriving on her doorstep as a godsend. Moreover you will find it awkward to put boundaries in place.