Possible house move but issue with neighbour

[Slipjigger]

I live in a 3 bed semi and have been looking to move house for about 2 years now. I am very fussy about the location (I live in a small town and I want to stay here and be within safe walking distance of the schools) so this is really narrowing my choices. We just want a bigger house and garden.

Anyway a perfect house has just come up for sale, the location is ideal, the house size is perfect, its a little over budget but there may be wiggle room.
The potential problem is the next door neighbour. This house is in a small private development of 8 houses, electric gates into it. The house beside the one for sale is the family of a child my DS goes to school with. This child has some issues - mam told me he is dyslexic, has dyspraxia and ADHD. The child started school here 2 years ago. He made no friends besides my DS. He is a nice child and DS took to him straight away, they have a lot in common. He came to our house a few times, DS went to his, they both went to each others birthday parties, etc.
I was glad he found a friend in DS and they get on very well. I know his mam was delighted for him to have found a friend.
The problem was the boy got very attached to DS, only wanted to play with him in school on their own. DS stopped playing with his other friends and it became just the two of them for a while. I dont think this is a good thing, I would like DS to have a range of friends, I have personal experience of how bad things can turn when its just two close friends to the exclusion of others.

I encouraged DS to play with his normal group of friends and include this boy in the hopes he would make other friends. DS did this but the boy didnt really want that and wanted it to be just the two of them. He wouldnt play with the group and tbh I dont think the other boys like him so maybe thats why.

I pulled back on the play dates and encouraged DS to play with his other friends a bit more. This worked and the boy began to play with other kids and seemed to have made a few friends.

DS had a play date with him last week, while I though the boy had made other friends his mam said that he had no contact with other kids since school closed. Since that playdate the boys are constantly messaging each other, video calling, asking for more playdates.

I dont have a problem with the boy (I have a close relation with the same issues and I know the upset of having a child who doesnt fit it and doesnt have friends and I know how delighted his mam must be that he has a good friend) but I dont like the way he commandeers my DS and they way he gives up the rest of his friends.
I am worried if we are living next door to this child that it will exacerbate the problem. My DS is a lovely child and he doesnt notice this boy's quirks or if he does he doesnt mind them. Unfortunately other kids are not so forgiving. The only issue I have is that he is possessive of DS (I can understand why) and I am worried living beside him in a small private estate with no other children will make this worse. I have visions of him knocking on the door day in day out and my heart being borken.
Its so unfortunate as the house would be ideal.
Am I making too much out of it?

I would buy the house but have a 'no knocking on the door' rule. As your son grows up his friendship groups will change anyway. Encourage your ds to stay friendly but also limit contact time and do other things away from the house and with other friends.

I wouldn't miss out on the dream house for the sake of a friendship which could be mutually beneficial or could naturally dwindle anyway.

i'm a bit gobsmacked by posters attacking the OP.

it doesn't matter what this other child is like, the impact on the OP's son is the key element here.. it's really not on for a small child to have to navigate emotionally suffocating, restrictive friendships, and quite rightly, OP is concerned about being able to protect him if they move.

OP, i wouldn't subject your child to this friendship dynamic at school and at home, no matter how perfect the house is.

this could end up in years of misery for you and your child, and no ability to "get away" from the expectations.

and i say that regardless of the reason why this other kid is like this - you need to protect your own child's autonomy and facilitate healthy boundaries, there's no way you can do that if you live next door. the reality is that it'll be a daily battle, and whilst i agree with other posters saying "you need to teach him how to manage boundaries effectively".... not every day you don't, at home AND at school!

@Waveysnail - DS totally doesnt see any problem. As far as he is concerned he and this boy are great friends, they enjoy playing together. My DS really wants to play with him, there isnt an issue about the friendship being forced, it is real.

Its me who can see the changes and the isolation from his other friends and I think this will be an issue down the line. I can see that the boy relies on my DS too much.
Coincidentally I have 4 missed calls on my phone from the boy this morning looking for DS (he left 4 voicemails, DS doesnt have a phone). If we were next door to him I would say he would be knocking on the door all morning!

I’d be worried about any friend who wanted my child to himself and was physically dragging him away from other friends. This is already happening - if you move next door the friendship will become closer and it will exacerbate the situation. Also if your DS one day decides he doesn’t want to be close friends with this boy any more, it could lead to problems with your neighbours and the boy could get very upset. I’d let them continue to be friends but not to the exclusion of others.

I’d go for the house and just be gentle but firm that they aren’t to be knocking on your door. YANBU to prioritise your child thkugh

Btw @Daisyhut obviously read a different thread so off the mark.

Due to some experiences over the last year that one of my DS had I would stay don't move there. I don't think it's relevant that the child has a disability. However, the child will in all likelihood be constantly knocking on your door. Probably better to let your DS have a wide range of friends and it could end up being a nightmare where next door constantly wants to be included in every sleep over, every play date etc.

Don't buy the house

I'd say it's pretty handy having a friend next door. You have to be very firm with boundaries. Dd 2 had a very good friend next door between aboutc3 and 8.
The rules were if I remember
No knocking before 10.
Everyone went home for dinner
Allowed in the house only if parents knew both ways.
They got shooed our of each other houses if not convenient (would play o the back green when a bit older)
We also had agreement with next door about things like ice cream van (only on a Friday, took turns to pay).
It worked well for us. We didn't do masses of other play dates due to work. Communication is the absolute king though.

And we both made sure they were in different classes after reception.

No, I would not move next door to him.

The child's SEN are irrelevant, what would bother me would be if my child's friendships would be forever stopped due to this kid being over possessive with my son. Thats not fair on my child and living next door would it virtually impossible to escape it. The mum is obviously very happy he's made a friend in your son and thats fine, but if he is preventing your son from gaining other friends then thats not on. Living next door would also mean the mum would assume you'd be up for constant play dates and it would get wearing and exhausting trying to find ways of saying no. It also means if your son had another friend round, they'd likely notice and that would set off more possessiveness and awkwardness regarding why you didnt include him when its perfectly natural and ok to have play dates with different kids.

That would be a no from me- I can see this going all pete tong.

I think I wouldn't go for the house.
I've experienced this sort of things several times as a primary school teacher and not just involving children with additional needs.
It's very difficult to deal with when one child becomes possessive of another for whatever reason. It normally ends up with the child who is "not allowed" to play with others becoming unhappy and withdrawn.
Schools can put measures in place to help with these situations if necessary but if the children were then going home and living next door to each other it would be nigh on impossible to deal with it.
I really wouldn't buy the house OP.

I would move if its your dream house
Put in firm boundaries at the start

Honestly I wouldn’t move next door to a classmate even if this weren’t the case. It just opens up all kinds of possibilities for awkwardness. I like the comfort of having near strangers who give no fucks about what I do for next door neighbours.

Take away anything about SN (which is a huge trigger ) and your worry is about relationship, specifically your son , your relationship with the family and most specifically stress about how this could go bad /upsetting

Put aside this child’s SN and do a pros and cons

The likelihood of this getting more stressful
How high are they really ?

I also think you need to take a step back and look at your feelings about this child a bit
He is JUST a wee child
I think you have really blown this out of proportion

We leave alongside many people I’ve had spats with (well two !) it’s no biggie

You can't afford the house so that's the reason you shouldn't buy it.

It doesn't sound like the boy, or his mum, would respect any boundaries you tried to set. You can say 'no knocking' but what are you going to do if they ignore that.

I even wonder, and accept I may be projecting, if...

She has another older child who has issues also who she told me has no friends in his school and is anxious and depressed. She told me she would do anything for him to a have a friend.

...would mean that she would try to force the older DC into the friendship bubble as well. Your DS would be smothered by the expectations and behaviours.

I think moving there would have too many problems. Find somewhere else, however much this house is otherwise perfect.

I dont have a problem with the boy (I have a close relation with the same issues and I know the upset of having a child who doesnt fit it and doesnt have friends and I know how delighted his mam must be that he has a good friend) but I dont like the way he commandeers my DS and they way he gives up the rest of his friends.

This is a bit therapy-ish, but you could take this as an opportunity to be curious and ask yourself what goes on for you when this child behaves like this. What are your thoughts and feelings around someone wanting such an exclusive, one-on-one relationship? Where does your reaction stem from? Is it a familiar scenario in some way?

This is a bit therapy-ish, but you could take this as an opportunity to be curious and ask yourself what goes on for you when this child behaves like this.

I think the OP has already done that, and articulated it well on the thread.

On the other hand, it might help the other boy by moving. You can arrange playdates at your house with one of your sons other friends and this boy. Just one other person might be easier for him to handle than a group. Can get him used to the other boys one by one gradually until he makes more friends than just your son.

But that's not your problem to be fair, just suggesting how it might help. His mum should be assisting with that, and you're right, your son also needs other friends not just one friend.

If it’s the perfect house you should feel able to go for it. You have every right to protect your son from unreasonable expectations, though. But the house, let them be friends, but also, if the boy or his mum are seeking to dictate his other friendships you can intervene. Ask other kids over to play ASAP.