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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Third baby - should we?

64 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 17/07/2020 06:47

I’m approaching 40. My kids (same sex) are almost 8 and 6. I love them dearly, but just don’t feel complete. Tbh, I have always wanted one of the other sex and feel that even if I had another of the same sex, at least I could then make peace with this (and I really think I would, as I could believe then it was meant to be). I don’t think l would love another of the same sex any less and in many ways think it would be lovely to have three of the same. I never wanted a big age gap though and life is so much easier now. We’re also getting to a position when we can enjoy a nice life with little luxuries. I’m also thinking about sibling bonds if the age gap is so great. At the same time, I don’t want to get old and regret not having a third. AIBU to seriously consider turning our lives upside down again at this point, or is this just a common thing women go through when they start to accept they will never have another and I just focus on the lovely life I have now? (Please be kind!)

YABU - stick to what you have
YANBU - seriously consider another baby

OP posts:

pandafunfactory · 17/07/2020 06:50

I have that age gap with our third. It's been brilliant tbh. It is a big gap but they loved having a baby and I've never had a moments broodiness. It was like she completed our family.

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 06:51

Personally I absolutely wouldn't, but then I am more than content with my 'only' child who I had, by choice, at 43. I have never experienced any feeling of 'not being complete' so I find it hard to empathise with that emotion.

I also feel that with the current economic situation now is not the time to be bringing more children into the world, you have two lovely children and an enjoyable lifestyle - why risk changing that?

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 06:52

Ha ha - two opposing views .

OhioOhioOhio · 17/07/2020 06:54

Mine are all really close together in age. My 3rd baby is snoring beside me. He, and they, are glorious. Wouldn't change it for the world.

Thehop · 17/07/2020 06:55

I would. I once met an d lady who said her only regret was not having another child.

I went on to have 3 and 4!

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 06:55

No, you have a good set up now. Focus on the children you have. They will not thank you for bringing the exhaustion, stress and restrictions that come with a new baby.

I felt the need to have 'one more' just before forty - it continued for three years in my late thirties. I can only imagine it is chemical/biological as the feeling evaporated after forty, and now I feel relieved I didn't go ahead! I am already extremely exhausted with teenagers and all the running around etc without having to worry about a toddler!

I would think very carefully if you decide to try, because you could disrupt what is ultimately going to be a golden time in your life when the children are a little older and it is easier, you can be more adventurous and have a little more money and security.

Noconceptofnormal · 17/07/2020 06:56

I think the age gap is too big, the two older ones will be close and the younger one is left out.

kittlesticks · 17/07/2020 06:57

There are several factors to consider but I would say the main ones are
Your current lifestyle - could you completely abandon it and start again with nappies and sleepless nights?
Your health - would you be willing to risk it - what would you do if it takes a while to get pregnant, what if you had complications etc.
I had multiple miscarriages at 30 but eventually managed to have my two DCs by 36. I don't think I could risk trying for a third.

Dozer · 17/07/2020 06:58

Wanting to “feel complete” and to try for a DC of the opposite sex seem weak reasons to try to have DC3.

What is your situation as regards paid work and pension?

What’s your attitude with respect to fertility issues, including miscarriage? (Fertility risks higher now than when you had your DC given your and your partner’s ages).

Dozer · 17/07/2020 06:59

Psychologically, with the large age/stage gap, DC3’s situation could be more like that of an only child - nothing wrong with that, of course.

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2020 07:05

I would stick with what you have, and I have 3 children! You’ve moved out of the baby and the young child stage. Even if you get pregnant immediately they will be 9 and 7 when you have the baby. That’s a big age gap to navigate ( and a bigger one when they are 14, 12 and 5) but you’re also plunging yourself back into sleeplessness and nappies and childcare fees and just extending the baby stage.

Also, 3 means you’re out of normal car (although maybe less of an issue if you don’t need 3 car seats - that was our downfall!), harder for holidays etc etc

Tbh, I have always wanted one of the other sex

As your user name is trainsanddiggers I’m going to guess this means you want a girl (it’s always a girl people want) and that is not a valid reason to have another baby.

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 07:37

I also think you will mind very much on some level, having another baby and it is not a girl.
My cousin had four children trying to conceive a girl, she was obsessed with it, but now she is run ragged with four boys, and as much as she loves them she now wishes she had thought about the reality of having four man sized teens in their small compact house. Not to mention the stage when all they would do is fight!!

MovingtoCardiff · 17/07/2020 07:38

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. A PP said that you don't have "good reasons" but I'm not sure there are good reasons to have even one child, it's an emotive decision not a logical one most of the time.

Be really honest with yourself though about how you'd feel if DC3 is the same sex as DC1 and DC2, I know you said you'd be ok with it but if there's any doubt in your mind then better not to go ahead I think.

pandafunfactory · 17/07/2020 07:39

Age gaps don't predict whether kids will be close or not. My three are very close even though two are now adults and one is a teen. The dynamics of the relationship are really interesting and rewarding actually.

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 07:44

Can you genuinely afford three DC? Many, many people are now losing their jobs, even those who thought they were insecure employment are finding it tough, and the public sector job cuts will soo start?

How will you cope if you and your DH lose your employment?

PoodleJ · 17/07/2020 07:46

Do what you want. Only you know when your family is complete. I do think that you should consider what would happen if you had another one of the same sex though. Also maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.
The problem is that you don’t know unless you try.
Please don’t let mumsnet decide your family size though.

Oysterbabe · 17/07/2020 07:51

I think you would be mad to have another baby at this stage.

Be honest with yourself, would you be considering this if you already had a little girl? How would your family cope if you had a baby with additional needs?

Mine are 2 and 4 and I'm 39. The idea of going back to the baby stage now fills me with horror, we're just starting to have a bit more freedom.

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 17/07/2020 07:55

Following your thread with interest mine are 7 and 2 and I feel exactly the same.
What puts me off is the financial implications but I love the idea of the kids having each other when they are older.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2020 07:57

No I wouldn’t. Economy is too uncertain and there is enough stress on the health service as it is.

You have two already, I doubt a third would make you feel any more complete and the age gap is too big for shared interests. If you do get the opposite sex, they may lose out a lot. I’ve seen it happen many times in real life.

GardenOfRaman · 17/07/2020 08:00

Let me guess, you have boys and want a girl? (It always seems to be that way round.) As a PP said, that's not a good reason to have another baby. There's a slightly greater than 50% chance it would be another boy anyway www.kidspot.com.au/birth/conception/getting-pregnant/hoping-for-a-particular-gender-read-this/news-story/158a32617d95f9a2e525ca3c44c3b6c8

It will also make what would likely otherwise be a fun period in your life much more stressful/difficult from a practical POV.

And tbh the planet doesn't need us to go beyond the replacement rate, population wise.

Winifredgoose · 17/07/2020 08:02

We went for it, and while I wouldn't say I regretted it, because I absolutely love my youngest, and me and my husband have adapted, I would say I don't think it was in the best interests of the other two children(so far at least).
We were at he point of playing family bored games and doing more exciting family activities(outward bounds, cinema etc), and all that has stopped mostly(baby is now 2). We now take it in turns to do fun things with the older two.
The youngest takes a huge amount of our time, and that is naturally time that could have been spent with the other two. It is a massive effort to juggle the other two children's activities and homework etc around the baby inc things like leaving the house which would now be relatively straight forward. Homeschooling with a toddler and two primary age children has also been v hard.
It may be the case that all this evens out with time. The older children certainly love the young one(though the middle child definitely resents them too), and I do love the fact that they are a gang/group. However, while we have coped, i do feel it was a stretch too far for our family.
I always read these threads on mumsnet while we were deciding what to do, so wanted to put my honest opinion in.

Winifredgoose · 17/07/2020 08:03

I should add that we have three of the same sex, though that wasn't why we had a third.

GardenOfRaman · 17/07/2020 08:06

@Winifredgoose I've noticed that the positive 3rd child big age gap stories tend to be when the youngest is a tiny portable baby, or in their tweens/older. Juggling a toddler with primary age kids sounds much more difficult, I have a friend who had a 7 year age gap between her two and she's missed out on doing a lot with the older one, who will be a teen wanting to do her own thing by the time the youngest is old enough to join in.

Wyntersdiary · 17/07/2020 08:08

no i wouldnt, 2 kids are enough

WannabeJolie · 17/07/2020 08:09

I honestly wish I’d stuck at two (we have three) and the middle and youngest both have disabilities. Plus I now feel most things are geared towards 4 people households. We’ve got a decent car but will need to change it as the kids become teenagers.

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