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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third baby - should we?

64 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 17/07/2020 06:47

I’m approaching 40. My kids (same sex) are almost 8 and 6. I love them dearly, but just don’t feel complete. Tbh, I have always wanted one of the other sex and feel that even if I had another of the same sex, at least I could then make peace with this (and I really think I would, as I could believe then it was meant to be). I don’t think l would love another of the same sex any less and in many ways think it would be lovely to have three of the same. I never wanted a big age gap though and life is so much easier now. We’re also getting to a position when we can enjoy a nice life with little luxuries. I’m also thinking about sibling bonds if the age gap is so great. At the same time, I don’t want to get old and regret not having a third. AIBU to seriously consider turning our lives upside down again at this point, or is this just a common thing women go through when they start to accept they will never have another and I just focus on the lovely life I have now? (Please be kind!)

YABU - stick to what you have
YANBU - seriously consider another baby

OP posts:
User50000999788887876655 · 17/07/2020 08:11

You never regret the children you do have only the ones you don’t have. Go for it!

Tink2007 · 17/07/2020 08:11

I’m younger than you at 35 - already have two DDs who are 14 and 6. We are currently 5 weeks away from having our third DD so I personally don’t see the gap as too big at all and if it’s something you both want then go for it.

Just be prepared that you might not get the other sex. We were never bothered and are thrilled to be going to have three girls but you need to make sure your want isn’t all about “wanting the other sex” as opposed to wanting another baby.

Tootsey11 · 17/07/2020 08:13

I wouldn't either. Be happy and grateful for what you have.

GardenOfRaman · 17/07/2020 08:36

User50000999788887876655

There are many, many threads on here (& even posts on this thread) disagreeing with that Hmm

mw90 · 17/07/2020 08:44

Hi, like you I had 2 of the same (girls) and thought it should be perfect, but there was always something at the back of my mind. I went on to have a 3rd a son, it's hard work sometimes with the age difference 4 years, and now and again I do feel sorry for one of them if they get left out. Depending on your current financial situation might impact on your family, I actually found that I'm in a better financial situation than before as I went back part time around DH work hours. As someone else said, don't left mn dictate on whether to expand your family or not x

Subeccoo · 17/07/2020 08:52

I have exactly that age gap with my 3. Eldest two are 22g and 20b and adore their 14 yo brother. As they've got older it's been awesome and it's so good being able to leave 14yo with one of them if we want to go away (next weekend). They're so close, especially the 2 boys, and youngest looks up to them. Was great when he was a baby too, the eldest two were a great help and no real trouble themselves, was pretty easy to have a 3rd.
However, I'd had them very young, so was 26 when youngest was born Grin and I'm now 40 and the actual thought of having a baby makes my head spin.
So yes, incredible age gap, can't recommend enough.
But a baby at 40 for me would be a no. Appreciate it it's different though Flowers

SerenDippitty · 17/07/2020 08:58

Would you have been happy with 2 if they had been different sexes?

BackforGood · 17/07/2020 09:09

I think "hoping for a child of the other sex" is a poor reason to try for a baby.
Against that, I have 3dc, and love it. I think it is a great number of dc for a family and don't regret it at all.

It really is a very personal decision for you and your dh. 40, or potentially 41 or 42 would make you an older mother, and life is harder as you get older and are trying to keep up with sleepless nights and then toddlers etc....... what if dc3 turned out to be twins, or turned out to be a child with complex needs. It isn't just about money.

1WildTeaParty · 17/07/2020 09:23

Well you would have a baby for another year... but would be signing up for having another teen for an extra 7 years😁

BlackRibboner · 17/07/2020 09:23

I would be wary of saying you'll definitely feel complete with three, or accepting if you don't get the sex you hoped for. I always wanted three, was convinced I'd feel done at three. Had my third last year and I don't feel done at all! A fourth isn't really an option (and my husband is dead against having any more) so I just have to deal, but it's taken me by surprise. So don't have one just to satisfy those urges, because there's a good chance you won't.

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 09:36

User ridiculous comment, plenty of people regret having children ... it's just pretty much taboo to talk about it.

User50000999788887876655 · 17/07/2020 11:19

@Ragwort and @GardenOfRaman the bast majority of people don’t regret their children so I stand by what I said which was a lighthearted comment on a thread where it’s clear the Op wants more. Of the thread had been different and the op was saying more serious things then I would y have said that. You know there’s not always a need to jump on the let’s say the exact opposite train and purposely misunderstand comments

Dozer · 17/07/2020 11:33

It’s trite shite.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 17/07/2020 11:53

I've got three. I'll be 40 next year. Mine are all close together but I have been pregnant and or a mum to little ones for my whole 30s. 3 does make it harder to give them all one to one. My third was unplanned, I didn't want another at all, but she is amazing and obviously wouldn't change the fact that she happened.
I will add that my first two I sailed through pregnancy with no stretch marks and still in good shape after birth. My third child has destroyed me. Separated stomach muscles, stretch marks and loose skin. So if you were similar it might be worth considering this as well!

oopsiedaisy2 · 17/07/2020 11:56

Do it!! We didn't plan a 3rd and had one of each sex but along came DS3 and he was the missing piece we never knew was missing 💓

Ilikeviognier · 17/07/2020 12:02

I wouldn’t personality. I’m 41 and have a 4 and a 5 year old and things are just starting to get a bit easier again. Mine are the same sex too but I just know that 3 would be one too many for me In terms of quality time with both.

It’s a very personal thing though- mo one else can tell you.

Trying to have one of the other sex Is def a bad Idea though- and you may be kidding yourself that you wouldn’t be disappointed if you didn’t get one of the other sex if you were actually faced with it (as in its a justification to go ahead- we wouldn’t mind). So I would treat carefully.

Pemba · 17/07/2020 12:13

It would be a selfish decision IMO. Global human population is too high, and causing global warming etc, shortage of resources leading to political tensions, probably future wars. There are just too many of us.

I have one grown up DD and I have accepted I may never have a grandchild.

OP you have 2 healthy children, can't you be content with the life you have with them and enjoy them? You also don't know how another child would affect them, and your family dynamic. And, sorry to be harsh, but you are older now and have a much higher chance of something going wrong.

motherheroic · 17/07/2020 12:14

You obviously want a girl. If you gamble and it's a boy will you resent the extra financial strain and lack of space?

BabyLlamaZen · 17/07/2020 12:17

Out of curiosity, what have you been thinking the previous 6 years since having your 2nd? had you originally decided to stop?

BabyLlamaZen · 17/07/2020 12:18

@motherheroic she's already said that's not the case.
People are terrible at reading threads.

MoggyMittens23 · 17/07/2020 12:34

2 children is enough. Open your eyes to the world. Be content with what you have. Seriously, stop.

venusandmars · 17/07/2020 12:47

My dsis had 3 with similar age gaps to what you would have. It was lovely when dc3 was a baby, but since the age of 2+ the family dynamics have been awful. Any combination of 2 children is great - oldest and youngest, middle with either. Put all 3 together and it is horrible. Fighting, meanness, parents getting involved to take sides. Even now, as adults, it's uncomfortable to be around them all together.
You cannot predict how sibling relationships will work out. My dsis deeply loves all 3 but not all 3 together. Their stable happy content family life never recovered.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2020 12:50

This is entirely up to you.
I'll never understand why people have more than one.
That was more than enough for me.
But then... I had my little girl. If it had been a boy, would things be different? I've no idea.
A friend of mine has 5 because she wanted a girl and kept having boys!
I know a few couples where that 3rd child pushed it all over the edge and they split.
But only you and your DH can decide what is best for your family.
What is your DH/DW view on this?

InvincibleInvisibility · 17/07/2020 13:19

Ive read loads of threads on here about having DC3 or not and age gaps over the past 4 years.

My conclusion is generally that no one can predict how well siblings will get on, regardless of age gap.

DH has always wanted 3. Ive been against it since having DC2 but occasionally wavering. Ive decided to go for it and try but for a few months only. DC would be 7 and 9 or 10 when 3rd is born.

BabyLlamaZen · 17/07/2020 13:51

@Pemba did you not read the recent bbc article about population decline?

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