Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with an obsession

45 replies

Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 12:31

NC because I'm embarrassed. Basically I'm obsessed with someone. Not someone I know, but a famous person. I don't know what to do about it. I need to know everything there is to know about them, watch their content all the time. I don't want to be with them or anything and I'm otherwise happy, but I don't know how to wean myself off from this obsession. It's been going on for about 2 years and is still there. I have SEN so that is probably part of it. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 16/07/2020 12:32

I'd ask Mumsnet to move this onto a different board if I were you, OP. Maybe mental health? AIBU can be... less than supportive at times.

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 12:45

Do you have to have mental health problems to have an obsession? I mean, not that I don't, but I'm not sure that is relevant and I just wanted some opinions.

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 16/07/2020 12:52

I understand why you feel embarrassed, people get fixated on things. You’ve chosen something quite benign, but you’re not in control and you want to change it. You might find a short course of CBT would help you, it would support you reduce the importance of this in your life.

It’s possible to change, you just need a bit of support.

Fanthorpe · 16/07/2020 12:53

Meant to say I don’t think it’s embarrassing!

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 13:05

But I'm not sure I'm being harmful. I'm just confused, which is why I think I wanted to see if anyone else has had or has an obsession like this.

OP posts:
Lifeisgenerallyfun · 16/07/2020 13:11

You might want to consider and breakdown why you are obsessed with this person. Do you admire a quality they have? Do you like a particular message they put forward? Or is it just a habit, your go to when something is wrong in your life,you’re bored etc like a comfort blanket.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s fairly common. Most people associate it with teenage girls who are playing out changes in a “safe” environment.

If there is something particular you are obsessed with try expanding this out. Eg if the person talks a lot about animal rights, maybe investigate animal rights in a much wider and unassociated context. If it’s a comfort thing maybe look for something else.

But if it’s not adversely impacting your life, why do you think it’s an issue?

user1471548941 · 16/07/2020 13:18

I have ASD and have this issue, it tends to fade over time. I have a list of “unacceptable behaviour” that I stick to and it’s a hard line that can’t be crossed.

That list covers everything from behaviour which would be unpleasant for the object of the obsession; so no intense DM’s, no sharing feelings etc but a complimentary comment on a social media post is okay. It also covers behaviour which lets it impact on my life- so no indulging in obsession during work hours, not until chores done etc.

Current obsession is a particular TV series so I allow myself one episode in the morning whilst getting ready for work, then I’m not allowed to switch it on again until work is done, dinner is cooked and eaten and chores done. Myself and my partner also allocate time we spend together, during which obsession is not allowed as he’s not interested and evenings we have individual time which is time to indulge.

I generally find by accepting it rather than making it something banned the interest fades over time. I can indulge but only within the set parameters.

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 13:33

It's a hard one. This person has quite a few others who are also obsessed with them, which means that there are more ways to interact. I never would directly contact them or post anything, it's not that kind of fixation. But it does take up a lot of my time, and perhaps money to go see them.

I am not sure where the line is sometimes. Can you have a 'healthy' obsession? I'd say I spend on average 4 hours a day on mine, but it's not set in stone. I'm aware this is quite a lot of time.

About why I like them or being involved with things they like. I already do this, but that isn't making me less obsessed with them. I read about a lot of people on here who have husbands with 'hobbies' gone wild, so I wondered about that. Maybe it's just fine. It's not something I can talk about easily though, because people are quick to label you as crazy. One of my male friends spends around 10k a year on football, but that is not the same according to them.

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 16/07/2020 13:43

Do you have to have mental health problems to have an obsession?

I think generally a mental health problem is an issue with the way you think and act that is beyond your control and impacts negatively upon your life and/or the lives of others. So, if your friend spending £10k a year on football has the disposable income to do so without an issue, then it's just a hobby. If it's an active choice rather than a compulsion over which he has no control, that's not a mental health thing either. However, if he feels compelled to do it and would put himself into severe debt to feed the habit, I'd argue that's a mental health issue, same as any addiction.

So, I guess the question is, do you feel your obsession is having a negative impact on your life?

Bodgedboxdye · 16/07/2020 13:46

Can we ask who it is.

And tbh, if you’re not going over the top (IE, stalking them) what’s the problem? It’s a nice little distraction.

(:

Bodgedboxdye · 16/07/2020 13:52

Also, people have loads of obsessions.

There’s a lady that collects things regarding English red phone booths. She’s collected everything to do with them. Or the lady that collects (and has visited) the Statue of Liberty.

Who are we to judge? Everyone is different. We like different things, certain things make us happy.

CatsArePeople · 16/07/2020 13:54

I admit i have a couple of pretty obsessive fandoms that i waste time and money on. I don't stalk or harass those people, so i think its a pretty harmless hobby. Even though I admit it may look stupid Blush i have more photos on my phone of my crushes rather than my own family Grin

JaneJeffer · 16/07/2020 14:07

As long as you're not contacting or harassing the person and it's not impacting on your real life relationships I don't think it's any more harmful than any other hobby.

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 14:14

I'd rather not say who it is, but it is an athlete.

Yes, I also have photos of them and I spend money, though not money that I don't have. When you are obsessed with a thing it seems more acceptable than when it is a person. I thought I would naturally lose interest, but that has not happened.

OP posts:
HerBigChance · 16/07/2020 14:23

As long as you're not contacting or harassing the person and it's not impacting on your real life relationships I don't think it's any more harmful than any other hobby.

I agree with this. If you're realistic about the relationship and it's in proportion with others in your life, then I don't see the harm either. Life's hard enough as it is. Sometimes there are just nice people to think about, and to be in a 'safe space' with during the day.

Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2020 14:26

What will you do when they get injured or retire?

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 14:39

@Bluetrews25

Cry deeply I suppose. Blush I'm not so sure. Currently it feels like they've retired because of Covid, so I've just been watching their old stuff.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/07/2020 14:46

Four hours a day is an awful lot and the chances are you're underestimating this.

If this person is an athlete and you enjoy watching them at work, have you thought of joining a gym, when they open, and focusing on getting yourself fit?

user1471548941 · 16/07/2020 14:50

I think it’s acceptable as long as it’s not negatively impacting your life i.e. not getting into debt, devoting time to it when you should be working/doing chores etc.

If 4 hours per day is your free time and you want to spend it all doing that, I think that’s okay. If your SEN is anything to do with ASD or anxiety you may also find it destresses you also, so I think that’s very okay!

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 15:31

@HollowTalk It's hard to estimate this kind of thing. I don't spend all my free time on it. But I'm really clueless about what other people do with their free time or how they spend their money. I do have ASD, so I need to have 'normal' explained to me sometimes. At the same time I can't really ask people because then it might turn out that I'm a weirdo. So I thought I'd ask on here.

OP posts:
MynameisHappind · 16/07/2020 15:34

Autism can make a person obsess like that.
You need to get support from someone who knows about your SEN, a therapist perhaps.

October2020 · 16/07/2020 15:35

It might help you to agree, with someone else (a friend, family member or even a counsellor) a list of 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable behaviours. You've already identified some of your own boundaries (e.g. spending money is okay but not spending money you don't have) and someone else will be able to make other suggestions too. Then, if you are able to stick within the acceptable boundaries, fab. If you find that hard, then you will know you need additional support. X

MynameisHappind · 16/07/2020 15:38

It's quite creepy to obsess over a person. I would feel scared of you if i was them. Please get help.

Original poster
Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 15:46

@CatsArePeople

How much time and money would you say you spend?

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 16/07/2020 16:08

I've had this. I don't have any mental health issues but I have had obsessions like this. As you say, I have to find out everything about them and watch their films etc (it's usually actors over and over again) and I find it hard to concentrate at work.

I have had quite a few of them, but none of them have ever lasted as long as two years. They tend to be quite short and intense.

I do tend to get an interest in something and then read up all about it until I feel satisfied, and then I move on (which I think is all very normal and fine). But when I start majorly lusting over male actors....that's when it gets a bit obsessive! I think it's called limerence?

So that's my experience, so I do sympathise with how you are feeling. But other than that, I don't really know how normal it is etc.