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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with an obsession

45 replies

Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 12:31

NC because I'm embarrassed. Basically I'm obsessed with someone. Not someone I know, but a famous person. I don't know what to do about it. I need to know everything there is to know about them, watch their content all the time. I don't want to be with them or anything and I'm otherwise happy, but I don't know how to wean myself off from this obsession. It's been going on for about 2 years and is still there. I have SEN so that is probably part of it. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:

yourestandingonmyneck · 16/07/2020 16:09

And sorry, to answer your question.....I don't really know how you'd deal with it. Mine have always just passed. I'd say they probably last a few months. No more than that. And just fade away.

br1anmay · 16/07/2020 16:20

I don't think you're weird, OP. You must find some comfort in this interest, and at a time like this, that's no bad thing. As you say, you're not attempting to connect with this individual, or trying to find ways to enter their life, so you're not harming anyone - unless you think it is impacting on your quality of life.

I haven't experienced this but I think it is quite common to fixate on things with ASD

MamaFirst · 16/07/2020 16:22

Any obsession or addiction would concern me personally. If you can't stop yourself doing something because of a reliance, then that is not healthy. I would stop, cold turkey. Find something else to fill your time, four hours a day is a lot!

CatsArePeopleToo · 16/07/2020 16:28

How much time and money would you say you spend?

Money - think several hundred quid to attend an event. Not exactly outrageous.
Time - rewatching films over 20 times each... maybe more than healthy
Plus collectables, memorabilia...

Frenchtoastie · 16/07/2020 16:42

Do you have real relationship in real life?

I think have so much of your heart and head taken up with this person that is unattainable is going to make eel life relationships hard. It’s probably more damaging than it seems

ohflipit · 16/07/2020 17:14

NC for this too ... Thank you for posting. I have ASD and am exactly the same. It's really helped to know I'm not alone in this as there are so many similarities between us. I think boys with ASD obsess over things like busses, trains or computer games etc but with girls it's people.

I've always had an obsession. Each one can last a good few years and completely take over my life. A teacher, a boss, a friend, someone famous. I've had them all! It is all consuming and I've never admitted it to anyone before. It's actually come to the front of my mind recently because I'm between obsessions and I feel utterly lost. I really really don't want another one, but I feel a bit purposeless without one.

Thank you to the pp who suggested ways to stop it taking over. Those ideas have really helped. I always worry about embarrassing myself and those limits etc are a great idea

zingally · 16/07/2020 17:34

I'm pretty certain I don't have ASD, but I also tend towards obsessions about things.

They usually start with a famous person that attracts my attention for any number of reasons, then diverts to an assortment of related pieces of work they've done, or someone they work with, and then it usually settles on something that lingers for a LONG time.

My most recent "big" obsession was the musical 'Spring Awakening'. But I can trace it right back to one man I saw in a random YouTube video, singing a song from a completely different show. And through a really complicated twisted path of interests, I got to the musical.

The obsession was STRONG through most of 2019, then started to drift off. But the stuff I'm moderately interested in at the moment can still be traced back to that ONE YouTube video. My brain has yet to find it's BIG obsession for now. It's in its "toying with different things" phase.

TBH OP, I'm fine with it. It's just the way my brain works, and when I think back, I realise I've been like this for YEARS. It's never caused me any problems, or caused any hurt.

What about if you stopped being embarrassed, and just rolled with the obsession and let it naturally play out. You're not hurting anyone, and if you enjoy it, what's the fuss?

I've had some of the best experiences of my life, as a direct response to my obsessions, so why not enjoy them?

Original poster

Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 17:55

@ohflipit I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I enjoy the time I spend on it, on the other it can be compulsive. I have been interested in people before (as well as things), but never to this level or length. It might be because previously I was all alone, but now there are online communities for everything.

@CatsArePeopleToo That's not too bad. I think I've spent upwards of 6k, but that includes travel, hotels and tickets, it's not on stuff directly related to them. I do enjoy sports as a whole, but I wouldn't attend in person if they were not there. In terms of memorabilia, I think I've spent £80 maybe.

@Frenchtoastie yes, I have a relationship. You used the word unattainable, but I don't think that quite fits. I love this person and think about them all of the time and it is probably unhealthy, but I don't want to be with them. I'd be over the moon if I could get a selfie or autograph, but that's it as far as that goes. I do fantasise about their personal life, but not in a way that I'd want it to involve me.

I'm hoping my feelings will just get less intense on their own, but I don't know.

I do try and limit what I do, but then occasionally I wonder why I am doing that. Sure, there are times when it interferes with things, but thinking about it I probably mostly just try and limit it because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. Getting your experiences is useful, I can imagine it better when I write it down.

OP posts:

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 16/07/2020 18:05

Does your interest cause you any problems in the rest of your life (for example, are you missing out on other important activities to focus on your interest)? Does it cost you money you don't have? Do you feel trapped by your interest (so you want to stop but you can't)?

If the answer to any of the above is Yes, I'd say you need to talk to a counsellor who has experience of ASD to work out how to let it go. If the answer is No to all of them, then I'd say you're free to enjoy it. You're not stalking this person or harassing them and it makes you happy to think about them. I'm sure you know already that special interests are common in people with ASD, so while NT people may not get the pleasure you find in it, you're absolutely not alone.

Obviously if you do find yourself wanting to contact the person directly, that could be the beginnings of stalking them and you should seek help. But as long as you're just browsing publicly available information, you're not intruding.

I would put a limit on how much time you spend talking to other people who don't share your interest - maybe allow yourself ten to fifteen minutes to talk about it?

I wish you well. It's okay to really really enjoy something!

45redballoon · 16/07/2020 18:11

Why do you need to deal with it?
Unless you are thinking of harming or harassing this person theres really not an issue here... if it's a public figure like an actor or a singer or something then they probably have many fans just as 'obsessed' with them as you are.. that's why they give interviews and sign things... if you mean them zero harm and just enjoy them I dont think you need to be ashamed.
If the problem is that you think the amount of time you are spending thinking about this person is negatively effecting your life in some way.. then perhaps you should set yourself some limits for how much time you spend looking up about this person?
If it's not negatively impacting your life then just enjoy yourself it's just an interest you have.

45redballoon · 16/07/2020 18:18

You know what I collect g1 my little ponies... and I'm quite ashamed of that... I love them and I match them up to the names and dates.. I have loads and I've spent lots of money on them... they are all just sat on a shelf lol. Sometimes I spend hours looking at info about them and the pictures of them.. I just scroll thru pictures of all the rare ones online.. it just makes me happy. I'm well aware I'm a grown woman and its wierd... but you know what, I think being interested in something and getting joy out of it is a gift.
Its lovely to have something which makes you happy as long as it's not hurting anyone.
It doesnt sound like you are out of touch with reality in any way.. you dont expect to get together with this person... you know it's just an interest. I really think you should be kinder to yourself... not everyone will understand it but if its making you happy at the moment just enjoy it!
I mean if I were a celebrity id like it that that my existence/work made some people very happy. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Greydove28 · 16/07/2020 18:56

Have you tried distraction techniques? 4 hours a day is loads

Brutalhonestybrigade · 16/07/2020 19:01

Wait, you spent £6000 on this?! I'm sorry OP I don't think that is healthy. You don't even know them. I agree about getting some help.

CatsArePeopleToo · 16/07/2020 19:06

That's not too bad. I think I've spent upwards of 6k, but that includes travel, hotels and tickets, it's not on stuff directly related to them. I do enjoy sports as a whole, but I wouldn't attend in person if they were not there. In terms of memorabilia, I think I've spent £80 maybe.

It's not too bad as I try to make those events into a short holiday, but I do feel a bit guilty for over a £100 for photos

MrsGrindah · 16/07/2020 19:16

I think you are very self aware which is great. I think you are going to extremes if I’m honest, but if it’s not impacting negatively on your life e.g you can’t pay the bills etc. then you are not doing anything wrong. Nobody would at an eyelid if you said you spent 4 hours a day on a PlayStation!

However, you do need to understand they are just a normal person . They don’t really deserve this level of adoration , but as long as you know that then this is your hobby of choice,

Original poster

Depressedclucky · 16/07/2020 21:18

For people who say 4 hours is a lot, what do you do with your time? I'm really curious as I don't know.

6k is quite a lot, which is why I don't really go around telling people. I can't help but think that it is only a lot because it's unusual instead of the amount. As I said, this includes flights and stuff.

I think my main problem with relationships is that I don't really want to talk to people, because then I have to not talk about this person or my hobby and that is hard. I ended up having to talk about other things that I don't really want to talk about, even if I don't particularly dislike them. So in that aspect it gets in the way. Though I'm not sure if I really need to talk to people, as they aren't offering me what I want.

It also makes me sad now because there is no tournaments or interviews and they might retire before I get to see them again with Covid being around. Again not something I can talk about to people in my life as I don't know anybody who would take my feelings seriously in that regard. That can be lonely and irritating. Sometimes online though the people who might have a similar level of interest are also obsessive stalkers, so it is like feeling left out in a lot of ways.

OP posts:

MrsGrindah · 16/07/2020 21:40

In those four hours a day I’m going a range of things.. not just focussing on one person. I might be with family , friends, reading, doing chores etc basically living my life not watching someone else’s i

Brutalhonestybrigade · 16/07/2020 22:31

If you don't talk to people you won't make any friends OP. What does your husband say about all of this?

Original poster

Depressedclucky · 26/07/2020 17:14

I am living my own life really, even if that may make no sense. Most of the stuff mentioned to go do instead just sound like they are not my thing, and I have plenty of hobbies. I even have friends, contrary to popular belief apparently

OP posts:

DotForShort · 26/07/2020 17:51

For people who say 4 hours is a lot, what do you do with your time? I'm really curious as I don't know.

Four hours a day devoted to a single interest sounds like a lot to me. I work full time and even though I have a job that is quite flexible, it takes up at least 40 hours a week, often more. And then there are the ordinary tasks of life (cleaning, shopping, cooking, errands, etc.) as well as family life and all that entails.

If your interest/obsession is impinging on your work life or relationships, or if it is holding you back in some way (for instance, if it is a distraction that is preventing you from moving forward in your life), then I would be concerned. If you find yourself unable to think about anything else, that would also be a warning sign to me. OTOH, if it is simply a deep and genuine interest that doesn't affect other parts of your life, then why not just enjoy it?

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