to not consider myself a single parent?

[FanaticalMrFox]

DH and I split 3 years ago. We have 6 yo and a 4.5yo.

DH (we aren't divorced yet) is a great man, we were great friends but should never have got married, we were no great love. We are now amicable but keep correspondence mainly to child related topics. He is in a new relationship, I am seeing someone but haven't introduced them to the kids, not sure I ever will.

DH is a great dad - when we split we sold the house and split all assets 50/50, we have the kids 50/50 - every other weekend and 3 nights per week. He pays 70% of the child care (he earns more than me) no questions asked (e.g. holiday club bill comes, he pays 70% not caring whether he used more annual leave to do child care etc), he doesn't pay maintenance but does pay for 50% of clothing, uniforms, shoes, Christmas and birthday presents etc. he takes the kids on holiday, he does his fair share of parent evening/ school plays etc. He is in every way and active and involved parent.

In our local area there is a new initiative for single parents. A friend of mine is encouraging me to take it up. Places are limited and it isn't something that I or the kids really need though would be interesting. I feel it would be unfair for my kids to take up 2 slots, leaving a single parent who may really benefit from it without a slot.

Am I being unreasonable to say that due to how involved and supportive the kids dad is, I don't really feel I come under the "single parent" umbrella? Or am I a single parent and should take whatever I can get?

Single parent is a really broad term defined differently by many.

If you do not consider yourself a single parent then you aren't and, no, I wouldn't take slots for single parent families if I didn't need it.

*them

I think you are technically classed as a single parent but don't label yourself if you don't want to. I have 2 DC and their dad did one and has no contact. What does that make me, a single parent? A lone parent?

Wait and see if the places are filled. I was Widowed with three children and would often not be able to take up things offered because women who were living singularly, would jump in on them. When they had childcare on tap and i had none, it was annoying that they'd take up the limited childcare spaces.

It's great that you are being so considerate.

When I divorced (same as you 50/50) I called myself a divorced parent.

Thanks to the media, I think often the term single parent conjures up images of women coping completely alone in impoverished circumstances so I can see why someone doing ok would think it doesn't necessarily apply to them.

That's how I see it. I'm a divorced (sort of) parent. But I am not parenting single-handedly as many others are.

I don't have many child care options outside of their father, and I don't ask him to take the kids if for example I want a night out, I arrange my social life around our contact agreement BUT I don't have to worry about him not showing, him reneging on the arrangement etc. Once in 3 years has he cancelled at short notice and that was because he had noro (caught off DC1)

formerbabe thing is, that is mainly what I see around me. Mothers raising kids where father is unreliable or not present. Though I assume I cannot be the only one who chose to procreate with someone who takes their responsibilities as a father seriously despite the separation.

I'd love to know the accepted definition of a single parent. I always assumed it meant one parent and the other parent had no involvement at all. I wouldn't have have put divorced parents into that bracket unless one parent had opted out completely from the lives of the children or were were not allowed contact for safety etc.

Would your Stbx dh class himself as a single parent? Would just be interested to know if women are more likely to define themselves as this than men.

I would consider you a coparent, just like I am (and I’m married to the father of my children). To me, a single parent is one who gets no support (including significant financial support) from the other parent, which could be because the other parent has died or has chosen to have no involvement (or is unable for some other reason).

I'd love to know the accepted definition of a single parent. I always assumed it meant one parent and the other parent had no involvement at all. I wouldn't have have put divorced parents into that bracket unless one parent had opted out completely from the lives of the children or were were not allowed contact for safety etc

Yes and what about widowed parents?

Would your Stbx dh class himself as a single parent? I don't know. I might ask him.

His partner tends to parent with him so I would guess not, but I'm unsure.

yes, you are a single parent. You are just lucky enough to be a single parent with a very involved co parent (incidentally, your DH is also a single parent).

No, that doesn't mean you HAVE to take up this place. In the same way that some businesses are not taking up the bonus scheme for furlough retention, you don't have to take every benefit that comes along if you feel you don't need it and it would be better off given to someone who does.

I bet there will be loads of places available.

A single parent is unlikely to prioritise finding childcare to attend something non-essential.

I really wanted to attend a Women In Science conference. I couldn't because I had no childcare. Go figure.

Surely the definition of single parent is, "parent who is not in a relationship [with child's other parent]). It's like being asked are you married, divorced, single, widowed in a list - it defines your relationship status, not how many people are there for your child?

You aren't a single parent.

I wouldn’t define you as a single parent - it feels insulting to your ex really, when he is actually doing half the parenting.

You are just lucky enough to be a single parent with a very involved co parent (incidentally, your DH is also a single parent).
What utter rubbish.

KingofDinobots yeah, that's how it feels.

I think I believe that the term single parent relates to your status as a parenting partnership, not relationship status.

Technically I'm not single - I am in a relationship, but my partner has no role in parenting at all.

TheOrigBrave It comes with childcare.

I suppose it depends on what the word single means. Does it relate to your relationship status? Or your actual parenting role?

I have the same set up as you OP and couldn't reasonably refer to myself as a single parent in good conscience.

My DD has a friend whose parents co-parent in the same brilliant way you and your ex do, and neither considers themselves a single parent. They are absolutely still a team and work better as co-parents and friends than they ever did as a couple. In your case no, I wouldn't take up a space that might be needed by someone who has it tougher than you.

It's very different for a single parent where the other parent has very little to no involvement with the DC, doesn't pay their share, is or has been abusive etc. FWIW I'm a widow and parent of older teens and I considered myself a single parent because my alcoholic husband basically shut himself off from all of us after I made him leave. And we were fine with that. He died 8 months later, before we could be divorced.

If it's your responsibility to keep a roof over you and your kids heads when they are with you then you are a single parent