to not consider myself a single parent?

[FanaticalMrFox]

DH and I split 3 years ago. We have 6 yo and a 4.5yo.

DH (we aren't divorced yet) is a great man, we were great friends but should never have got married, we were no great love. We are now amicable but keep correspondence mainly to child related topics. He is in a new relationship, I am seeing someone but haven't introduced them to the kids, not sure I ever will.

DH is a great dad - when we split we sold the house and split all assets 50/50, we have the kids 50/50 - every other weekend and 3 nights per week. He pays 70% of the child care (he earns more than me) no questions asked (e.g. holiday club bill comes, he pays 70% not caring whether he used more annual leave to do child care etc), he doesn't pay maintenance but does pay for 50% of clothing, uniforms, shoes, Christmas and birthday presents etc. he takes the kids on holiday, he does his fair share of parent evening/ school plays etc. He is in every way and active and involved parent.

In our local area there is a new initiative for single parents. A friend of mine is encouraging me to take it up. Places are limited and it isn't something that I or the kids really need though would be interesting. I feel it would be unfair for my kids to take up 2 slots, leaving a single parent who may really benefit from it without a slot.

Am I being unreasonable to say that due to how involved and supportive the kids dad is, I don't really feel I come under the "single parent" umbrella? Or am I a single parent and should take whatever I can get?

I am divorced with three teens who live with me full time. I use the term single parent on here for shorthand, but don’t really consider myself that way either as in lots of ways I am quite privileged.

I coparent more or less equally with my ex and it’s also amicable. I wouldn’t consider myself a single parent. I think it minimises how amazing single parents really acre.

I don’t usually call myself a single parent, I call myself a lone parent as ex is absent. I do think it’s helpful to differentiate between someone who has an actively involved ex and a parent who is raising a child alone.

Though I assume I cannot be the only one who chose to procreate with someone who takes their responsibilities as a father seriously despite the separation.

Did you mean that to come out that way?!

It’s often very difficult to know who will take this responsibility seriously until it’s too late.

formerbabe

You raise a really good point here.

"Single parent" still has quite a lot of association with deprivation and stigma (thanks, Margaret Thatcher) for that. It's still seen as a blanket negative.

But actually it covers a vast range of outcomes from someone living hand to mouth with no money and no life to someone very well set up who happens to be managing it all alone. Also it includes set-ups where the other partner does their fair share domestically and financially and set-ups where one partner has been left utterly up the creek.

I'm a single parent in the true sense of the word: my ex contributes nothing financially or in terms of childcare, but because I earn a fairly high salary I'm reasonably well cushioned from it and at a personal level I would prefer to raise a child without the involvement of a man. (Maybe not a popular view).

I'm not going to deny that its harder being a single parent in many ways but its also sometimes a lot easier:

you don't have to rely on someone who may or may not let you down you don't have to condition your behaviour in order to guarantee your financial security
you don't have to cook and clean for someone who won't reciprocate
you can parent your child as you see fit without interference

etc etc

It would be quite nice to rehabilitate single mothers a bit and lose the stigma. It would also be useful to draw distinctions between different ways which the NRP supports or doesn't.

I guess as it becomes more usual society will do that job itself. But I think single mothers ought to do their own PR a bit more too. It's harder, for sure. But it can be bloody brilliant!

I wouldn't take the place. Not when you have a 50/50 arrangement with your ex, and some will have no such thing.

Deathgrip no, not quite as it came out! I mean I did choose to procreate with him, I did it thinking he'd be a good dad. But I more meant I can't be the only person whose ex continues to be a decent dad.

I am also a single parent through being widowed, I was not sure initially if I 'counted', and I don't really have anything I need to access as a single parent right now, as I have a reasonable wage like the poster above.

That said, the child benefit rules do annoy me, as they are calculated per person and not per household, so single parent households hit the threshold for not getting the benefit way before two reasonably earning parents combined.

Or you could just explain, and ask them to contact you nearer the time if not all places are taken.

Personally I would say you are a single parent, because you aren't with the children's dad romantically. You're just not struggling with it.

I actually really like ‘Divorced parent’ and will use it myself if ever asked

I’m pretty much in the same position with DH. I’m in a better position now than when I was married so would feel uncomfortable taking a place.

However many moons ago I was a single parent to dd1, her dad was completely shit and I would have happily gone.

It's funny, if I heard someone described as a single father I would assume they had full custody of their child and limited input from the mother. I'd definitely raise an eyebrow if it was used by a man who has his children every other weekend, say, and possibly also if it was a standard 50/50.

The language of single mother is also often used to capture a woman bringing up children with no or limited support. It's tricky though, I think it's one of those situation where language and situations have evolved and so people have a view of what something means that is at odds with its actual definition.

I have a friend who has a similar set up following divorce - both her and ex-dp are equally involved with their children, she doesn't use the term single parent either because as others have said it tends to conjure up images of one parent having nothing to do with their children etc. I've heard her use he uses the term 'separate parent' and 'co-parent' a lot which does seem a more accurate way of describing their set up.

I have a similar set up, and feel the 'single parent' label evokes sympathy and an assumption that my life is really hard which is not deserved. If anything my life is easier than pre divorce, as I have far more free time, when dd is at her dad's. We also both have partners who are active supports, so everything is divided between four adults.

Yes, I think you are entitled to go. You still have the kids some of the time.

Ironically that group would exclude lone parents who don't have childcare and have kids 24/7.

BraveGoldie

This

A lot of it is actually easier.

Parents who are managing everything alone do often need support, but we don't help anyone by looking at lone parenthood through this rather Victorian lens of it being a state of miserable, grinding penury.

I'd love to know the accepted definition of a single parent. I always assumed it meant one parent and the other parent had no involvement at all. I wouldn't have have put divorced parents into that bracket unless one parent had opted out completely from the lives of the children or were were not allowed contact for safety etc

People should be allowed to define themselves as they see fit. I am a single parent. My children's father is involved. However, he is involved in as far as he sees the children regularly but he does not pay maintenance and never has. Nor does he take time off work if the children are ill and I even pay childcare on his time because he's prone to fucking off on holiday at a moment's notice and I can't afford to be messing about with my job (I teach - no room for manoevure in terms of being late to the office). If you were to ask any mother in the school playground or our children's teachers, he is a wonderful father who attends everything and is always there for his children. I know differently. Why do you think you get to define me or people like me?

The OP is a single parent. She is parenting alone on her time with her children. She is perfectly within her rights to use a single parent service if it suits her. However, as she has recognised that she is perhaps in a better situation than many single parents and her childcare arrangements are as solid as they can be, not using the service will hopefully mean someone who is struggling more benefits from the opportunity. Frankly, that's as pragmatic and as decent as people come and I applaud her.

I'm a lone parent. No involvement as live far away and he does not know where I live.
If I go back to my home town, he can pick our daughter up from my mother's but she is more and more reluctant to go. Shes just 11 so if he took me to court she would have a say.

He would happily be 50/50 but I don't agree with that in abuse cases and more importantly that is not best for my daughter as he carries on being abusive. Short visits allow him to be Disney dad but she started to see through that and is not allowed an opinion which is more important to her than being bought treats.

So I'd say lone parents have little to no involvement from the other parent and the other parent doesn't do actual parenting. Lone parents have all the responsibility for housing, education, parenting, everything.

Single parents co parent their child with another person, however they do not live with their child's other parent. They make decisions together and share most things/ everything.
Like the op some single parents have a true parenting relationship and may receive more support then even some married women where their husbands do little or no parenting.

There are also others in between lone parents and single parents, where the other parents is not 50/50 but still has some input, I would say they are also a single parent.

you're a co-parent

Op you are a single parent who is co parenting well but I would not take up a space on that project. I think your gut is right on this, not all single parents need more support or are living an awful life.

For that matter not all lone parents live an awful life of penury and hardship. Sometimes having nothing to do with your childs other parent is a blessing.