I have to absent myself from the entire proceedings if DP is cooking.
If I don't, I'd go mad.
Flames always halfway up the side of the pans - multiple expensive frying pans have been destroyed that way.
No lids on pans, so we're paying to heat the outside world instead of the food. And so much splatter on the tiles, it looks like a murder's been committed, instead of merely being contemplated.
Things cooked out of order, necessitating repeated microwave pings as he reheats and reheats until whatever it is resembles the molten core of Planet Earth and vegetables are either cooked to death or could probably be replanted in the garden.
Cupboard doors open everywhere.
Dirty utensils scattered with abandon.
Spillages, packaging, flour, peelings everywhere so by the end, he's got approximately three square inches within which to work.
Burned to a crisp whilst simultaneously raw meat.
Stuff all over the floor where he hasn't got anywhere to put the food once it comes out of whatever fiery inferno it's been in or pointed in the general direction of.
Food left uncovered across the countertops where flies can get to it. As though nothing is going to notice raw meat, cut fruit or cut vegetables, tins, packets or jars through the power of his mind alone. When it's literally their evolutionary niche to seek such things and take advantage of them.
And I have to put my earphones in to avoid the customary dinner bell of three smoke alarms screeching that it's nearly an hour before the ten minute recipe is deemed ready for consumption.
And then, because he takes so long and makes so much mess, he says he's too tired to clean up and will do it tomorrow. Which means I can't (and won't) use the kitchen at all in the meantime, as I can't get to the sink, surfaces or anywhere to do anything for myself.
In fairness, he has asked how I can cook and the kitchen looks pristine by the time I dish up. And I have said without expressing my innermost rage that it's all due to having clear surfaces when you start and cleaning up as you go along. But he doesn't really believe me that it's easy. I do it by magic, I suppose