Should I try and make DS play with this boy?

[JagerPlease]

DS is nearly 4 and goes to nursery. He has a little group of friends, but regularly complains or more recently cries about the fact that a particular boy always follows him and won't stop, and he wants me to make him stop. We have also been talking with DS about his birthday and inviting a few people to meet in the park. He's absolutely adamant that he doesn't want to invite this particular boy "because I don't want him to follow me".

I'm very conscious that we could inadvertently be leaving out one member of a group if we weren't to invite him, so we asked nursery about the boy. They have said that he has additional needs and basically adores DS.

I therefore want to try and have a conversation with DS about some of this to try and encourage him to be more understanding, but at the same time, he's so young that I don't know how to do it? I really don't want to be leaving this boy out.

But tonight, before I could mention it, DS burst into tears about this boy following him and how he wants me to talk to nursery to get him to stop.

I'm really torn about what to do - I don't want DS leaving someone out but at the same time I don't want to force him to play with something or have him getting so upset

There’s nothing to think about here. Additional needs or not this boy is making your son feel uncomfortable - as a parent you need to take it up with the school. His needs matter but so do your son’s. He should not be punished to make another child more comfortable - the other boy needs to be supervised more.

Listen to your child. You are his voice. You can not fix others.

Speak to nursery before your son refuses to go.

@GrumpyHoonMain @GreenTulips thanks both - reality check appreciated! I will speak to nursery tomorrow

You need to support your son. He's only 4 years old and to force him to have a relationship with another child who makes him so distressed is simply abusive.

Definitely speak to nursery; if he was older it’d be a bit different but he’s too young to understand and it’s not fair that he’s getting upset

Nursery saying this boy "adores your son" isn't helpful. Unwanted attention is very distressing. When adults do it we call it harassment and stalking.

Your child is only 4, its not fair to him

Please speak to nursery - it's awful they've allowed this to go on when your DS is so clearly distressed by it. The other child's SEN shouldn't mean your DS has a miserable time at nursery, and he's not even 4 yet, too young to understand inclusion properly.

Put yourself in his shoes....do you like to be followed? I am not surprised he doesn't like it.

Let him choose

I agree your son's comfort is important and you need to get the nursery to sort it - obviously with compassion. And anything you can do to help your son understand that the other boy is trying to be nice, but maybe finds it hard to know how to do that well, and not to take it to heart etc is a bonus.

For the party, hopefully you can invite your son's friends but not the entire class, so this boy's exclusion isn't conspicuous?

My DS has some SEN, and I could see him behaving as the boy does. For him it's that he wants to play/ be social but gets overwhelmed by the number of children. He copes by picking one and pretty much blocking out everyone else. (Like the person equivalent of listening to music to block out noise)

If your son is uncomfortable I would want you to bring it up with nursery so they can help defuse the situation (I would hope they would anyway). My point of view is that although I don't want my kid left out, I also want the interactions he has to be healthy, not begrudgingly been put up with by someone who doesn't want to be near him.

There are a couple of issues here.

1. Nursery should not have disclosed to you that the other boy has additional needs. Regardless of their intentions in doing so, that information is private and not theirs to share

1. You should have a talk with your son about additional needs and that some people may look or behave differently due to this

1. Nursery need to be aware that the boy following your DS around is making him uncomfortable. It sounds like his social needs are not being properly managed and he needs support with this such as an adult modelling appropriate social interactions for him to then copy

1. If you're just having a few friends in the park then it's fine to leave people off the guestlist, if it's everyone except this boy then that's another matter

wow. listen to your child. hes crying and asking you to help him . seriously??

“Abusive” “harrassment” “stalking”?? The lack of empathy sometimes here is quite striking. Teaching your child to recognise that sometimes other children find making friends harder or find it more difficult to express themselves is quite an important life lesson. Your instincts are right OP not to leave this boy out - perhaps you could be on hand to intervene if needed?

@ForeverBubblegum Great post.

Support your son. Nursery are failing him by focusing on the other child’s needs and not DS’s discomfort.

Wanting to be compassionate towards a child with additional needs doesn’t trump your son’s right not to be hounded all day by someone who upsets him. He’s only little. It’s not up to him to be this boy’s support human.

Your duty is towards your son. I would also have serious issues with staff that share what is clearly confidential information with other parents. Completely over stepping the mark.

The OP's DS is not quite 4 - so he is still only 3 years old. He is too young to understand about the other child having additional needs, or anything like that.

Stick up for your DS and tell the nursery that he is becoming upset, and that they need to do something. This other kid's needs don't come before your son's needs.

My Son was stuck with someone like this all through Primary who had special needs, made to babysit him, it just makes their lives easier, it's sad really as your child should not have the responsibility. It can even effect their development on a day to day basis I think, you should definately speak up with your concerns.
Also I don't think you should invite him if you dont want to, maybe just have a little family thing this year or perhaps just one or two special friends and keep it as a low key playdate. Just do what's best for your child.

I firmly believe that children should be taught that they never have to play with, talk to or be touched by people that make them uncomfortable. There is no explaining why a little boy would be ok and safe but a bigger boy or man might be dangerous.

@Isthisfinallyit

I firmly believe that children should be taught that they never have to play with, talk to or be touched by people that make them uncomfortable. There is no explaining why a little boy would be ok and safe but a bigger boy or man might be dangerous.

This. Wise words.

Don't spoil your child's birthday for the sake of inclusion.

Some posters keep pointing out the age of your son without commenting that the other child is also very little.

We are talking about very small children here, both need to be treated with the utmost kindness it's not one against the other.

Compassion should be shown for both children. It is staggering that that needs to be written.

Speak to your son's keyworker (or whatever the terminology is now) and make clear that you expect them to defuse this situation because your son is extremely distressed by it. Don't let them fob you off.

You don't have to invite this child to the birthday party although I can see why you feel awkward about that. If you do decide to ask him then maybe one of his parents could stay with him to keep a lid on it.

This happened to my DD2 when she was still in infant school. A boy latched onto her for some reason and simply wouldn't leave her be. I spoke to the class teacher and some control was achieved. A few months later the problem totally resolved itself when the family emigrated to New Zealand, so we had a bit of luck on our side too.