Should I try and make DS play with this boy?

[JagerPlease]

DS is nearly 4 and goes to nursery. He has a little group of friends, but regularly complains or more recently cries about the fact that a particular boy always follows him and won't stop, and he wants me to make him stop. We have also been talking with DS about his birthday and inviting a few people to meet in the park. He's absolutely adamant that he doesn't want to invite this particular boy "because I don't want him to follow me".

I'm very conscious that we could inadvertently be leaving out one member of a group if we weren't to invite him, so we asked nursery about the boy. They have said that he has additional needs and basically adores DS.

I therefore want to try and have a conversation with DS about some of this to try and encourage him to be more understanding, but at the same time, he's so young that I don't know how to do it? I really don't want to be leaving this boy out.

But tonight, before I could mention it, DS burst into tears about this boy following him and how he wants me to talk to nursery to get him to stop.

I'm really torn about what to do - I don't want DS leaving someone out but at the same time I don't want to force him to play with something or have him getting so upset

I used to take your point of view - not leaving other children out. And in general I still give this consideration but I now realise it’s a huge mistake to make my children spend time with other children they dislike for the sake of the other kid. If anything I would contact the other parent and see if there is a way of improving the relationship between the children. When my son started school another little boy would kick him. I was really impressed with the mum who rang me and explained her son had sensory issues and was kicking my son because he liked him. I was able to explain this to my son who to my surprise understood so he didn’t feel scared anymore. The mum and myself set up some play dates at the park between the boys but because there was lots of playground equipment and a lot of space they didn’t have to play with each other if they didn’t want to. Things calmed down and the boy stopped kicking my son.

"@KittyFantastico*

"There are a couple of issues here.
There may be but you haven't prioritised them correctly. The welfare of the OP's little boy should take top priority as he is distressed regularly by this.

1. Nursery should not have disclosed to you that the other boy has additional needs. Regardless of their intentions in doing so, that information is private and not theirs to share

2. You should have a talk with your son about additional needs and that some people may look or behave differently due to this
He is too young to understand this properly. Fair enough to have an age-appropriate chat to him about it, but not if the intention is for him to just put up with the other child following him around.

3. Nursery need to be aware that the boy following your DS around is making him uncomfortable. It sounds like his social needs are not being properly managed and he needs support with this such as an adult modelling appropriate social interactions for him to then copy
The issue that should take priority is the fact that the OP has made the nursery aware of her son's distress and they have done nothing about it. They have pretty much told her it is due to the other child's SEN and washed their hands of the issue. Disgraceful.

4. If you're just having a few friends in the park then it's fine to leave people off the guestlist, if it's everyone except this boy then that's another matter"
I would definitely not invite this boy to the park because your son has been adamant he doesn't want him there. How would he feel if you invite him despite his distress over being followed. I would try not to exclude just one person though, if possible.

You wouldn't invite the boy if he was following your child and upsetting him if he didn't have additional needs so tbh I wouldn't be inviting him just because he has.
( If you get my meaning)

I didn't list them in priority order so not sure why you're taking issue with the order they're listed in.

Fair enough to have an age-appropriate chat to him about it, but not if the intention is for him to just put up with the other child following him around.

I didn't say he should put up with it and the implication is that the talk would be age appropriate.

The issue that should take priority is the fact that the OP has made the nursery aware of her son's distress and they have done nothing about it. They have pretty much told her it is due to the other child's SEN and washed their hands of the issue. Disgraceful.

Which is why I've said OP needs to raise it with the nursery as neither boy is having their needs met and the boy with additional needs clearly needs more support with social interactions, nursery are failing him by not providing this.

I would definitely not invite this boy to the park because your son has been adamant he doesn't want him there. How would he feel if you invite him despite his distress over being followed. I would try not to exclude just one person though, if possible.

OP said it's just a few friends going to the park but was worried it would be seen as leaving this boy out. Just a few friends = no need to worry about others being left out. Whole class get together and one child excluded = another matter and would be handled depending on the specifics.

I could weep for this poor little boy.
Nursery needs to be helping him but nobody has asked if the boy's parents are aware he's following your DS.
He needs help not exclusion. Talk to his parents. See if they (and nursery) can manage his behaviour better in a medium sized group. Ask the whole class and get his parents to keep an eye out and you do the same.
But don't exclude a child with SEN from the only situation in which he can learn social skills.

I had a similar situation with my son. It caused him a lot of stress and worry. It started in nursery and continued to primary. The boy is still in his class now but he has a new group if friends and is no longer fixated on my son.

My son is a kind, friendly boy who didn't know how to manage the situation. I went on a school trip once and the other boy's CA told me that spending time with my son was being used as a reward for this child's good behaviour as the boy had behavioural issues. As I said, it caused my son stress and anxiety and he was also physically attacked by the boy and injured, not through malice though.

By this stage I had spoken to the teacher and made my son's feelings known. He is a child so I have to speak up for him.

My heart breaks for the other boy but my son must learn he has the right to choose who he is friends with and he has the right to have boundaries.

It is not worth spoiling your sons birthday,and having him upset,and this is worrying him. You should do what is best for your son,and not worry about the other child.

My oldest is 10 years older than your son and take it from me managing their friendships for whatever reason is always a disaster!

Your child is coming home in tears, distressed about this other child and you’re considering making him invite him to his party?!

Unless you are planning on inviting the entire class, I wouldn't worry about this poor little boy feeling excluded. That would happen only if he was the only one but not if one of several - he may not know anyway.

It's a sad business but your son is still very little to be understanding about special needs. Later on, he will.

It sounds like this boy needs some help from the adults to learn social skills. I don't think fellow children should be made to act like TAs.

Noooooo. Why would you considerer something like that, when your kid is begging you to help him?!

This is not about the SN kid. This is about the mh and wellbeing of your own kid who clearly is feeling distressed by this kid following him around all the time.

You should be providing shelter for your kid. And make him feel safe. Not forcing him to do something that will make him feel unsafe. And unhappy. And uneasy.

Think op. Think.

What @Spied said makes all the sense in the world.

But don't exclude a child with SEN from the only situation in which he can learn social skills

I don’t think OPs DS birthday party is the right situation either.

If he never gets invited to play dates he can never learn to socialise in a group appropriately.
A birthday party may be too overwhelming for him but if it isn't then the pressure is taken off the birthday boy by weight of numbers.

I think in your position I would talk to nursery again and make sure they understand how upset your son is, maybe they don't realise. Hopefully that will get them to manage the situation properly for both kids.

It's not really fair to leave the boy out if you are inviting the whole class to your son's birthday, but if it's just a few friends it's different. He shouldn't have someone there who upsets him.

The issue that should take priority is the fact that the OP has made the nursery aware of her son's distress and they have done nothing about it. They have pretty much told her it is due to the other child's SEN and washed their hands of the issue. Disgraceful.

That’s a big leap. Some people just love any excuse to jump on the ‘political correctness gorn maaaad’ bandwagon even when it isn’t there. Here’s what OP’s post actually said:

I'm very conscious that we could inadvertently be leaving out one member of a group if we weren't to invite him, so we asked nursery about the boy. They have said that he has additional needs and basically adores DS.

She then says:

But tonight, before I could mention it, DS burst into tears about this boy following him and how he wants me to talk to nursery to get him to stop.

So I don’t think OP has made the nursery aware of her son’s distress. She says she asked them about the boy (and they gave her confidential information about another child when responding, but that’s another issue).

So I’d say that’s step one OP. Talk to the nursery and tell them it’s upsetting your son. They’re professionals, they’ll know how to handle this without causing hurt feelings.

As for the party, I’d say your son shouldn’t have to invite someone who makes him uncomfortable. But if the nursery are aware then maybe the problem will go away anyway.

And I’d encourage your DS to tell his nursery teachers when he feels uncomfortable (I understand they are both tiny children and it’s hard for him to advocate for himself, but I think it’s good to encourage children to speak up).

Thanks all for the comments. Have had a long chat with nursery and they are actively taking steps to move the boy away from DS when he is following him, and we are working together on getting DS to firmly say "no I don't like that" when he is being made to feel uncomfortable, and to always tell an adult if it doesn't work. It's difficult because he does like this boy when they play together, but not when he follows him everywhere. They are also talking to the whole class at nursery about how you don't have to play with someone if you don't want to.

It sounds as though your conversation with nursery was helpful, has it made you feel more confident that they'll be able to support your DS and the other child to express their needs more clearly?

I wonder if it might be helpful for your DS to use toys to role play the situation at home with you? Maybe the toy that you operate could be DS and could do all the 'please don't follow me, I don't like it' but if DS's toy continues to follow, yours might model some extra strategies or phrases e.g. 'would you like to join in'?' or 'when you walk behind me, I feel sad. Please stop'. The mentioning of specific behaviours your DS wants to stop may be easier for the other child to understand but will also help your DS distinguish between the sort of interactions he feels ok about vs those that make him unhappy.

If your DS likes playing with the other child but not in a party context, that's ok. Perhaps arranging to meet at a park for an hour or feeding ducks after nursery one day, or some other activity in a mutual location for a limited time might give them an opportunity to hang out sort of together but without the demands and excitement of nursery. It's possible both of them will respond to one another differently when there aren't lots of other children around.