To think sex addiction is a cop out, what do you think?

[Wspl]

I've very recently separated from a serial cheat and when I described his behaviour to a friend she suggested perhaps he was a sex addict (not in his defence, she thinks he's deplorable)

He had at least two affairs that I know about and conceived a baby with one of them despite me being heavily pregnant at the time. He watched alot of porn and got off on sending naked pictures of himself and videos of him masturbating. I also discovered that he also cheated on his previous ex multiple times but I didn't know about that when we met unfortunately.

He would pester me for sex on a daily basis regardless of the fact he was getting it elsewhere and took no precautions so he was putting everybody at risk.

It's also worth noting that he wasn't fussy about where he got it, so long as they were interested in having sex with him.

The last woman he cheated on me with looked old enough to be his mother, was unkempt and a generally nasty piece of work. I mention that only to highlight the fact he wasn't necessarily seeking out somebody 'better' just anybody who would have him.

Not a day went by where he wasn't fantasizing about sex or seeking it be it from me or an outside source.

Do you think sex addiction is a thing in general or a red herring to explain away disgusting behaviour?

I believe it is a real addiction, but that doesn’t excuse the behaviours.

Some people use sex the way others use drugs or alcohol. But like other addicts, their behaviour is usually extremely harmful to others and having addiction issues isn’t a ‘get out’ card for shit behaviour.

If he accepted he had a problem and that his attitudes and behaviours around sex were dysfunctional and causing harm, and if he was seeking psychological help, I might have more time for such a label.

But with anyone in active addiction, if he doesn’t recognise and treat it, all you can do is give such people a wide berth. You’ve had a lucky escape!

Do you think sex addiction is a thing in general or a red herring to explain away disgusting behaviour?
I think it’s both

Yes, I believe sex is addiction is a thing. I believe you can be addicted to anything, especially when it's affecting other aspects of your life.

However, I could not be with a person like this, like I would not be with a person who is a drug addict.

I tried at the time to discuss it in depth and wanted an explanation and the only one he gave me was "I don't know why I did it" repeated again and again. He has zero capability or motivation to self examine.

I think if he were diagnosed with hypersexuality it would just encourage him to carry on as then he'd have a free pass in his mind. In my opinion he behaves like that because he enjoys it, case closed.

Katie prices husband Kieran supposedly had a sex addiction, I remember thinking what a load of crap, when I heard about it.

Maybe I'm too sceptical, if people say it's a thing then I believe you, i just can't find it in me to pity them.

You could argue that anything can become an addiction. Food, sex, exercise, work, shopping.... all these things that for most of us are just a normal part of day to day life, can be taken to an unhealthy extreme and become all-consuming. Ultimately though, people are still responsible for their own behaviour and the choices they make.

I agree ! So much
If it’s such a thing why do only
Men get it ?

I agree with pps; I think it is a real addiction / problem. That doesn't excuse his behaviour. I suppose a bit like being any sort of addict. Alcoholics can be thoroughly unpleasant to live with. That doesn't make their addiction any less real. I'm sure it's the same for drug addicts.

I’m not convinced by a lot of addictions tbh.
Someone told me they were addicted to yoghurt once 🙄

It’s not an addiction in the sense that your body can’t cope without it, but it’s an addiction in that you find it almost impossible to resist. But I think this is often because people haven’t ever practiced resisting things. If you don’t ever deny yourself pleasures, then you might get fat, or alcohol dependent, or ruin your lungs, or become a cheating liar. It all depends. I don’t believe he’s naturally incapable of being faithful but I would believe that he has taught himself to be incapable, and believes he is because to admit he has free will would be so very uncomfortable.

No it's not a cop out. If you view sex solely through the lens of "men want it and will find any excuse to get it", then yeah you'll think it's just an excuse.

But no - like a PP said, it a real addiction and it makes the person doubly unpleasant to live with because not only can they harm themselves, but T action harms the very edifice of the relationship itself and causes untold hurt.

And yes there are female sex addicts - I have met two! Again, if we move beyond the trope that "men always want it, women are happier with a cup of tea and a book", then you will actually find some women do channel hurt, pain, neglect, abuse into sex addiction.

It's just that it seems more prevalent as a thing in some famous male cases.

Am writing from an informed perspective so don't @ me

If you don’t ever deny yourself pleasures, then you might get fat

As I know very well because I'm currently about a stone over what I want to be, because I love eating chocolate and crisps

I'm sure some may say that's an addiction but I don't see it that way, I just eat it because I enjoy it and it's what I want to do at the time.

If eating those things made my children cry or worried my next partner, I just wouldn't eat them because I care more about them than I do chocolate.

Crap analogy maybe but I don't see much of a difference.

No one's allowed to be just a straight up slapper these days. It always has to be explained away. YANBU. This guy's just a player.

@Wspl

If you don’t ever deny yourself pleasures, then you might get fat

As I know very well because I'm currently about a stone over what I want to be, because I love eating chocolate and crisps

I'm sure some may say that's an addiction but I don't see it that way, I just eat it because I enjoy it and it's what I want to do at the time.

If eating those things made my children cry or worried my next partner, I just wouldn't eat them because I care more about them than I do chocolate.

Crap analogy maybe but I don't see much of a difference.

Seriously?

You're comparing over indulging on crap food, to a genuine addiction?

I would not say your situation is an addiction. I'd say it's an issue of lifestyle and willpower.

Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop doing something even though it is most likely causing harm. Not a "I'd like to do this even though it's bad". A dependency. A compulsion even.

It's a different order entirely to "I always finish the packet of Digestives if it's open"

@DisobedientHamster

No one's allowed to be just a straight up slapper these days. It always has to be explained away. YANBU. This guy's just a player.

Yeah because all sex addicts are just slappers, and all slappers are just sex addicts who haven't used the excuse yet

Like I said, you can't have someone just behaving the way they do because they're just a selfish person with no self-control, always has be some deep excuse.

Doesn't matter, OP, this guy wants to lay around like a rug, for whatever reason. He's like a motorway, everyone gets a ride.

Don't waste your time focusing on him, this is who he is. Instead congratulate yourself on getting away from him and on working on your self-esteem and boundaries so you dump at the first sign of ill behaviour.

You deserve better.

Erm @DisobedientHamster of course you can have people behaving the way they do because of selfishness. That's most men/people who cheat.

OP however specifically said "Not a day went by where he wasn't fantasizing about sex or seeking it be it from me or an outside source."

That's a classic indicator of addiction. If you don't want to accept that because you're bitter about men, or some scenario or other, then fair enough.

but it's a classic indicator of addiction. OP asked the question, and I'll give a contrary view if I see something there, which I did.

I don’t think it’s an addiction, it’s an excuse for making bad choices.

Oh, give over flattering yourself, Gin. I love men. But a spade is a spade. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Her ex is a slag who cheats on everybody he's with and then some, glad she's moved on.

@Idontlikewednesdays

I don’t think it’s an addiction, it’s an excuse for making bad choices.

So what's alcoholism then? More bad choices?

What's heroin addiction? Just day after day of bad choices?

I think Mumsnet needs a pinned topic with a definition of addiction and the clinical science behind it, because clearly everyone believes that all people have complete control and conscious determination over all behaviours, and that no compulsions exist or any other mental health/clinical issues.

Seriously? You're comparing over indulging on crap food, to a genuine addiction? I would not say your situation is an addiction. I'd say it's an issue of lifestyle and willpower.

I am comparing the two yes. I have a compulsion to eat shit food, however I don't actually have to eat it. I can and do deprive myself of it when I'm trying to be healthy, regardless of the compulsion to eat it.

He has a compulsion to lay around like a rug (love that one btw), but he doesn't actually have to do it. He chooses to, in spite of his wife and children.

Both scenarios exhibit lack of willpower to do the right thing.

How can it be that I'm just greedy yet he has a genuine psychological problem?

@DisobedientHamster

Oh, give over flattering yourself, Gin. I love men. But a spade is a spade. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Her ex is a slag who cheats on everybody he's with and then some, glad she's moved on.

"Give over flattering yourself?" "Opinions are like arseholes...everyone has one"

What on earth are you on about.... do you just have a wheel of stock phrases you spin and choose a random one?

Yes to all intents and purposes her ex was a "slag". But OP already knows this

OP came on here asking about addiction. It's a shame that's too nuanced for the pitchfork waving crew.

I've always been very sceptical about this. I certainly don't think its a physical dependency like alcohol or heroin. Maybe closer to a compulsion like a gambling addiction, addicted to the buzz you get doing something you shouldn't be doing and psychologically unable to resist.

Ultimately in a committed relationship its a cop-out. If you seriously can't control your urge to shag around you have to excuse yourself from the relationship.

Honestly, OP, you're better off just focusing on yourself. No matter what the rationale behind it, he's a serial cheater.

Alcohol and heroin are physically addictive, that's very different to somebody not fighting the urge to orgasm.

@thepeopleversuswork

I've always been very sceptical about this. I certainly don't think its a physical dependency like alcohol or heroin. Maybe closer to a compulsion like a gambling addiction, addicted to the buzz you get doing something you shouldn't be doing and psychologically unable to resist.

Ultimately in a committed relationship its a cop-out. If you seriously can't control your urge to shag around you have to excuse yourself from the relationship.

💯