To think sex addiction is a cop out, what do you think?

[Wspl]

I've very recently separated from a serial cheat and when I described his behaviour to a friend she suggested perhaps he was a sex addict (not in his defence, she thinks he's deplorable)

He had at least two affairs that I know about and conceived a baby with one of them despite me being heavily pregnant at the time. He watched alot of porn and got off on sending naked pictures of himself and videos of him masturbating. I also discovered that he also cheated on his previous ex multiple times but I didn't know about that when we met unfortunately.

He would pester me for sex on a daily basis regardless of the fact he was getting it elsewhere and took no precautions so he was putting everybody at risk.

It's also worth noting that he wasn't fussy about where he got it, so long as they were interested in having sex with him.

The last woman he cheated on me with looked old enough to be his mother, was unkempt and a generally nasty piece of work. I mention that only to highlight the fact he wasn't necessarily seeking out somebody 'better' just anybody who would have him.

Not a day went by where he wasn't fantasizing about sex or seeking it be it from me or an outside source.

Do you think sex addiction is a thing in general or a red herring to explain away disgusting behaviour?

I have a compulsion to eat shit food, however I don't actually have to eat it. I can and do deprive myself of it when I'm trying to be healthy

And therein lies the difference between wanting something badly/greed, and addiction.

You said you can stop and you do stop. You deprive yourself willingly. You have the power to turn it on and off again, control it.

An addict is subconsciously and powerfully driven to do something despite immense harm to themselves. They will (and frequently do) sacrifice everything for that addiction and fulfilling their compulsion.

Because it's sex and it's something fun, people often think "bollocks, he could have stopped if he wanted to".

Perhaps so for most men, 98 per cent of them. The ones who meet a girl out on work drinks and are too idiotic to keep it in their pants.

But the ones jumping from hours of porn watching, to then lining up six women in three days, constantly pestering their partner, texting endless sex requests and chats to the exclusion of any other normal activity...

...THIS is addiction.

Sex addiction is a compulsion yes, hence me comparing that to my love of junk food.

It's not physically addictive but it is enjoyable and tempting.

Both things people can say no to but choose not to because they'd rather indulge because it's enjoyable.

@Wspl

Alcohol and heroin are physically addictive, that's very different to somebody not fighting the urge to orgasm.

Oh, the poor dear just couldn't help himself, OP. He's not the victim here, seriously.

@Wspl

Alcohol and heroin are physically addictive, that's very different to somebody not fighting the urge to orgasm.

Bloody hell, seriously?!!

I'm out of this conversation.

Have you ever heard of dopamine, OP?

Oh I know he isn't the victim, he's just a dirty git.

I have a loved one in the family with an actual physical addiction, alcoholism. Despite that they've shown me and my DC more compassion and consideration than ExH ever did.

I'm with you GinDaddy. This thread is very revealing for the general lack of knowledge around addictions.

OP. You asked. From your description I think it possible your ex has a sex addiction.

That doesn't change my belief that you should disentangle yourself from him as much as possible. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I wish you the best of luck for the future.

I know there are support groups for family of addicts - I want to say AAA but not 100% sure. As you have children with this man it might be a good idea to seek their support as you navigate a co-parenting relationship in future.

@Wspl

Alcohol and heroin are physically addictive, that's very different to somebody not fighting the urge to orgasm.

But people can be addicted to gambling or shopping. They aren't addictions to substances either, so if you can be addicted to gambling or shopping why not sex?

He sounds a bit like a low end Don Draper. He has clearly an unhealthy relationship with sex and relationships and appears to have gone beyond selfishness and into self destruction. For whatever reason.

Not that that is your problem to do anything about other than protect yourself from him and move on.

I'm not discounting the opinions that differ from mine. I'm looking to understand.

It's a raw subject for obvious reasons and my knee jerk response is that he doesn't have an addiction and is just an arsehole.

That may change of course and the more I read the more I may learn.

I won't ever take him back and that ship has sailed, but I do need closure in a sense (not from him directly)

I agree with the 'he was a slag' comments. Basically he would have sex with anybody that was up for it. Is that an addiction though? I don't know.

Healthline definition:
By way of a definition, “sex addiction” is described as a compulsive need to perform sexual acts in order to achieve the kind of “fix” that a person with alcohol use disorder gets from a drink or someone with opiate use disorder gets from using opiates.