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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son to move out.....

29 replies

Akrotiri1 · 15/07/2020 17:07

Due to his dope smoking?

My son has just turned 18yrs and has smoked dope for the last few years. I have a 'zero' tolerance attitude to drugs in general, let alone in the house, and have got to the end of my tether with him. I have begged him not too, again and again, but he just says that 'all his mates do it'/ 'it is the norm nowadays' and that I am over reacting......

I have tried to get help from drugs charities, but they have been beyond useless, and have even considered going to the police as suspect he has dabbled in dealing......but am so frightened of the consequences for his future.

He is a bright lad but dropped out of doing his A levels, as his party lifestyle became more important. He is currently working in a supermarket, which has helped him focus a bit, but as soon as he gets home he turns to a spliff...and also means he has plenty of funds to feed his habit. If he is on a day off he pretty much smokes it all day - but denies he is addicted......?!

I found out at the weekend he tried to send some dope to a friend who was working in France (presumably a plan they cooked up together as the 'friend' couldn't access dope abroad)- the parcel was intercepted and both boys were very lucky not too get in serious trouble. But I had to deal with the 'friends' mother then screaming at me down the phone when she found out......

Our neighbours have also complained about the smell which makes me very sad as we live in a nice semi-rural area, where drugs are not the norm.

Sadly all his social group do smoke dope - I smell it on them when they come round and one has recently lost his licence as caught driving under the influence, but even that is not enough to make them re think their lifestyle.

So i am now considering giving him an ultimatum - if he wants to continue with the dope lifestyle he has to do it under his own roof....but am so scared if things get more out of hand and he continues down a path of self destruction.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/07/2020 17:10

I wouldn't give an ultimatum, I'd just tell him he needs to move out and then he can live his life as he sees fit.

He'll know what the choice is.

Anordinarymum · 15/07/2020 17:11

It is impacting upon your life. He does not care, so why should you.

Thehop · 15/07/2020 17:11

YANBU to set the rules in your home at all. I’d have thrown him out before now.

Easy to say when it’s not my son I know. Where do those sweet little boys go?

It’s not your fault either.

AIMD · 15/07/2020 17:14

I wouldn’t be happy with someone smoking in my house constantly....smoking anything.
It’s a really difficult one because he has been doing it, when did he start smoking in the home and why wasn’t it stopped straight away.

I’d be tempted to say there is no smoking in the house now, if he continues to smoke he will have to leave. Alongside that though I would try to offer as much love and encouragement as possible to get him into positive habits. Are there things he likes doing you can help him access more of eg going to the gym (but him a gym membership).

Is it possible he has been being groomed and used by a drug gang and might be unable/scared to stop ‘working’ for them?

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/07/2020 17:15

I think you are making the right decision. No use you supporting him so he can spend all his money on dope. But tell him nicely and without anger, you dont want to cut him off completely, it would just be best for your relationship if he likes elsewhere. Then pack his bag and wish him well.

Funnyface1 · 15/07/2020 17:16

I would do exactly that. Won't be easy but it'll be the best thing you ever do for him, even if he doesn't realise it at the time. Sometimes being a parent means making the hard choices for the greater good.

And quite frankly you shouldn't have to put up with that. You deserve better too.

forrestgreen · 15/07/2020 17:29

I presume you've already said he couldn't smoke it at home, whatever his life choices that'd be the step too far for me.
Have you been charging him rent? Is he used to having money for bills?
I'd sit him down and explain about life, how much rent is, how much bills are, food costs etc.
I'd say you have a month to show me you can abide by my rules or save for the deposit, your last night here is x. You can take x and y with you.
(And depending how much you trust him and his mates take care with your expensive items and money in the meantime.
When he moves out change the barrels in the locks.

GinDrinker00 · 15/07/2020 17:31

I’d say kicking him out would push him down the rabbit hole more than smoking cannabis personally.

Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 15/07/2020 17:37

He is earning enough currently to support himself, and does give me a token contribution to the running of the house,

What I forgot to mention is that he has a college place in September to do a lower level engineering course, so if he did resume education, then living independently would be financially difficult.

So if I did ask him to leave, this then may impact on any further education (although I doubt whether he would stick to this course either)

OP posts:
Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 15/07/2020 17:38

@GinDrinker00

I’d say kicking him out would push him down the rabbit hole more than smoking cannabis personally.
That is my worry....
OP posts:
rawlikesushi · 15/07/2020 17:45

My DN was similar and DSis was going to ask him to leave but went for a compromise in the end.

Basically, she no longer lectures him about smoking it but has forced a commitment that she will see no evidence of it in the house.

The next time she smelled it in the house she went through his room, found his stash and threw it out.

The next time she smelled it on him, she waited for him to put his clothes in the wash and threw those out too.

I don't remember many more specifics, but I know she his his car keys once too.

All of these incidents were in a very short space of time and caused huge arguments but he didn't have a leg to stand on and they both knew it. Now, about a year later, she doesn't see, smell or hear anything about it.

It might not go far enough for some but it kept him safe at home.

BabyDancer · 15/07/2020 17:47

I would up his rent so that he has hardly any cash to spend on dope and put a smoke alarm in his room. If he continues to smoke in the house then make it clear that he is no longer welcome to stay in your home. You could lower the rent when his course starts and his work hours reduce. Perhaps the agreement could be 80% of his paycheck? You could always put it aside for him when he grows up a bit.

Mustardfan · 15/07/2020 17:58

I think that at 18, your son really needs you, I think there is a chance that things could go really badly for your son if you kick him out. My thoughts would be to keep trying to be an ever loving mum, and try to support him to make good choices, help him to think about his goals in life, and try to spend quality time together.

ilovesooty · 15/07/2020 18:03

Drug charities will be unable to help someone who denies he has a problem and doesn't want to engage.

You are within your rights to say that you won't accept drug use in your house.

JRUIN · 15/07/2020 19:14

Unfortunately it feels that most youngster do smoke cannabis and I believe it to be addictive too no matter what the experts say. Saying this I think kicking your DS out for smoking if he is otherwise a good lad is a bit harsh. I would insist he doesn't smoke in the house though, that is very disrespectful.

Griselda1 · 15/07/2020 19:56

He's crossed quite a serious line when he was caught trying to supply his friend. Does he realize that a conviction would mean that he couldn't even holiday in America. If he's looking at a future in engineering he has to be very careful.My nephew has hair samples taken several times a year, always at random and the major engineering firm he works for tests their entire workforce. They write this into their contracts and dismissal is immediate if any drugs are detected.
He's obviously hoping to move forward with his life and I'd have a serious conversation with him about how drug use could limit his future.

Chanjer · 15/07/2020 19:59

If I was him I'd move out and get on with it

Spinakker · 15/07/2020 20:07

I agree with a smoking ban in the house but don't kick him out, keep encouraging him to quit and up his rent.

carly2803 · 15/07/2020 20:42

smoking ban and up his rent

this is your house, not his!

carly2803 · 15/07/2020 20:42

smoking ban and up his rent

this is your house, not his!

suckatpickingusernames · 15/07/2020 20:56

Right former addict here
Not of weed but other things
Don't be a loving mum and bail him out he's got to have consequences.

I wouldn't say don't want to see or smell it on him as that will teach him to hide it better and become secretive and that's definitely not what you want

I would say sit down be honest and open and set boundaries and rules

Like you want him to go to college so he can stay and go to college but if he starts bunking off then get tough

Talk about what he wants to go maybe he could willingly give you extra money to start saving for him to move out on his own

Anti drug and he'll rebel
To soft and he'll walk all over you

NA isn't as churchy as people think and its not scary maybe take him to a couple of groups?

labyrinthloafer · 15/07/2020 21:04

Oh goodness, what a nightmare. I think what I would do in theory is ask him to move out. At the end of the day it is still illegal and I think you're entitled not to have illegal activity in your home, because it can cause real problems.

I don't think it is easy, and you must be finding it very tough Flowers.

gutentag1 · 15/07/2020 21:11

He's an adult, just start charging him an adult amount of rent e.g 30% of his wage, and tell him that if he smokes it in the house or garden he will have to move out. If you want to force him to stop altogether then that's a bit controlling.

Janaih · 15/07/2020 21:24

The suggestion to throw out his stash, his clothes etc is an excellent one. That might have stopped me doing it at home when I was his age.
He could fight it and get worse though.
Do you have any valuables in the house? If so I would lock them away, and keep your handbag safe.
Do you have younger dc in the house?

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 21:32

I like what @rawlikesushi says. You won’t stop him, he’ll just keep it away from your home, as he should. Serious consequences anytime he misbehaves at home and start charging decent rent.