To think that living in a very messy house does impact on children

[HeatingOnInJuly]

I was thinking of this based on the "small ways your parents fucked you up" thread so it kind of stems from that

My parent's house was very messy - they would say it was normal family clutter, and that it was cosy and lived in, but I'm not sure I've ever been in a house quite like it since, so I think it must have been unusually messy

Door handles would fall off and were never fixed, ancient carpets would be ripped up and the floor would be left, bare cement, for months. Piles of washing everywhere. Nappies bagged and left on the floor for days, though they made it to the bin eventually. Kitchen was frankly dirty, with sides invisible due to stuff being piled on. Nobody ever put anything away after it was used, it would just be left. I didn't realise until well into adult hood that people would immediately put something back where it belonged after use, as a matter of course, everything from bottle opener to hoover was just left. Never sat at dining table due to being piled high with shit. Never taught how to do any chores or how to clean properly and manage laundry. Cupboards unusable as they were so jammed full of stuff. The furniture itself was good quality - plenty of art on the walls, sofas were expensive, good carpets when we had it - so I think this meant it passed as arty and bohemian but actually it was a tip

Never any clean uniform or Games kit which led to detentions at school. Yelled at for losing things when things inevitably got lost the minute they were set down. Difficult to study as the rooms were kept dark with the curtains closed. We were always late because of things getting mislaid. Clothes never hung up, just picked from a communal pile that lived in a walk in closet.

Friends would have been welcome, but by the age of about 8 I was too embarrassed to invite them,but of course I couldn't tell my parents that so I made excuses.

Parents had good jobs and were comfortably off, they just couldn't be bothered to clean or tidy as there was always something they'd rather be doing.

They insisted until they were blue in the face that it didn't matter, that life was too short to waste cleaning, that sort of thing, but actually all it resulted in was a dishevelled childhood where everything seemed out of control and chaotic. If I'd told them that the house was embarrassing they just would have laughed at me.

When I moved out and had my first child, I did what I knew and for about a year or two my flat was a mess. I didn't know how to keep things clean and organised, and I read things like that "dust if you must" poem that floats around and ignored 99% of housework because I was spending time with my child. But then I noticed the same thing happening especially when nursery started, being late because everything was lying everywhere or no clothes were washed or dry, "losing"new clothes or toys in the mess and only finding them once they were outgrown.... It made me realise that while obviously there's no need to go to extremes and scrub your loo with bleach and a toothbrush every day, there's a reason why being reasonably clean and tidy is seen as a desirable life skill. I had to teach myself how to manage a home and to do the most basic tasks thanks to the Internet

The state of my childhood home had a really negative effect on me, and I could see the same thing happening with my own child. no it's not neglect or abuse, but when your house is so messy that it's not a pleasant or comfortable place to be, or when the mess is causing regular stress and impacting on other ordinary bits of life, then your child probably would quite like you to do a bit of cleaning rather than a craft activity with them, certainly once they're a bit older. I think people are really fooling themselves if they think that level of mess doesn't impact on their children

[Emeraldshamrock]

Yanbu. I grew up in a chaotic unorganised home, lots of love but christ it was stressful. No school uniform in the wardrobe all crumpled, tons of mismatched socks, dirty washing in the bath tub, clothes stuff every where. The embarrassment once you realise it isn't normal. I keep myself well and my house clean it doesn't come natural it is very important my DC have clean clothes, matching socks, school stuff at the ready.
I do get very overwhelmed. I assume DM had ADD alongside depression now we know more.

[itstrue]

OP I could have written your post word for word.

It's a terrible way to grow up.

[RedToothBrush]

no it's not neglect or abuse

I beg to differ on that point. In some cases it most definitely is.

[eaglejulesk]

There's a level where it gets too much and things like no clean uniform is not on and does impact.

But a house at the too clean end can be unpleasant for children too, not relaxing.

My thoughts exactly. There is nothing wrong with having a messy house, but when things which really need to be done (i.e. clean clothes) are not and when hygiene slips and chaos reigns it's bad.

However, the sort of house where there is never anything out of place and it doesn't look lived in creeps me out. There is a balance.

[SpunBodgeSquarepants]

Yes! I grew up in a house like yours, and I absolutely hated it. I tried to make it better, tidy and clean the bathroom, but no one ever made the effort to keep it that way. Now I like to keep my home very tidy and relatively clean. My sister on the other hand, lives in a complete shithole. I'm talking cat shit left for days on the bath, leftover food just left to grow furry and green in the slow cooker, spilt food left to build up on the kitchen surfaces and floor, chicken bones under the kid's beds and mouldy plates/cups right next to their beds, no bed linen and filthy mattresses. It's funny how it affects people in different ways.

[PickAChew]

DH grew up in a grubby house and moved out as soon as he was able, well before freshers week. He was fond of his parents ut didn't enjoy the living conditions, preferring a basic student rental.

[SusieOwl4]

Funnily enough the most chaotic and untidy house I can remember was our local doctors . I would not say dirty , though hard to tell , but definitely very untidy.

I am inbetween . Hate mess , but never seem on top of things . Especially laundry . I find it boring and never ending and have no routine. But will clear up if I have guests coming .

[Realityofsen]

I am a single parent of two with additional needs..safe to say my home isn't as tidy as I like.

The state of my carpets make miserable and it could do with decorating professionally. I use rugs to hide the worst of the carpets and they will be replaced when I get my bathroom and kitchen leaks sorted. Both need ripping out completely.

However surfaces are clean. I try and do a Rota system of deep cleaning each day. Our flat is tiny so it often looks like a hurricane and a tornado have simultaneously hit. However I lived in an embrassingly filthy home. I know mine if someone rang and said we'd be over in 90 minutes would be visitor ready (well with my bedroom off limits for when I shove the ironing pile in..).

I wish it was tidied but I'm not superhuman

[Emeraldshamrock]

My house will never be Instagram clean, it is acceptable, clean kitchen, bathroom, laundry and bins done daily.
I wish I put thing's back after I use them I haven't achieved that skill I make work for myself. must practice if anyone has a tip

[merrytombombadil]

I grew up in a messy house and was too embarrassed to ever have friends over. I think it really affected my teenage years. Even as an adult I've always had a terror of people turning up unannounced and planned guests used to take hours of cleaning and checking every room was clean (to paranoid levels). Getting a weekly cleaner was life changing- I think it is partly a psychological thing of knowing that someone else has checked the house is clean. (Although I'm also absolutely fine in other people's messy houses and would never ever judge)

[Handsoffisback]

It is abuse and neglect, plain and simple. It’s a cruel way to bring up your children and leaves them open to humiliation, bullying, being left out and having MH issues. I find it bizarre that apparently some people don’t ‘see’ mess. And YY to the PP that mentioned the people who say they’d rather spend time with their kids than clean. My cousin is like this. Her house is disgusting and she’s always on FB or Instagram while her kids crawl about in filth. In the kitchen there is one of those wanky twee signs about mess being the sign of a good mum - Yeah right!

[Wolfgirrl]

I agree! I truly believe that tidy house = tidy mind. And I know what you mean about having to 'learn' how to manage a home.

Our house was never a total shit tip, but it was always cluttered and disorganised. My mum was a SAHM and we were very wealthy, but for some reason she never bought us anything new - clothes were always second hand from charity shops or donated by cousins, we didnt have our 'own' clothes as such just grabbed some from the pile. We never had our bedrooms painted or furniture put in them, it was just a bed and whatever else ended up in there from the same old junk which seemed to circulate around the house. Despite being very well off and having 4 kids, my mum had a 'thing' about big houses being 'showy offy' so we usually all piled into a 3 bedroom house. At one point I had a tiny attic room with no carpet or windows. Despite being a SAHM we were always disorganised, we were always the last kids to be collected from school and would be sitting with the teacher in the playground waiting to be picked up. Quite embarrassing as the parents with full time jobs always managed to be on time. Mum refused to buy a dishwasher, or a suitable car that could fit us all in (she actually had a mini at one stage) so everything was always more difficult than it had to be. Food was a massive issue, she just didnt buy enough and it was a regular that there wouldn't be any bread or cereal for breakfast so I would just have an apple. Lunch boxes were without fail a marmite sandwich and a penguin bar (that was it!). Even now if I open a 'treat' like some jaffa cakes I feel compelled to eat as many as I can because treats were so rare, or were snapped up by one of my siblings before I could have any.

Just little comforts, but they really irk me thinking back. We had more than enough money and mum chose not to work, but it was like she just didn't consider us 'worth' little comforts or luxuries, and us looking tatty didnt matter as we were 'only kids'. She took no pride in us and didnt seem to enjoy seeing our enjoyment IYSWIM.

I definitely over compensate with my daughter, her nursery is totally decked out, clean clothes and pyjamas every day, bathed every other day without fail (shes 1), so many toys her room is like Hamley's and I always make sure she is in the same safe and familiar routine. I meticulously cook her meals from scratch. I love buying her nice things. I never want her to feel like she isnt worth it or that the house isnt clean and homely.

[RoiseCap]

YANBU

[HermioneMakepeace]

@Wolfgirrl Reading your post, I think miserliness is probably as damaging to children as slovenliness.

[MazDazzle]

I’m messy. Nothing in my house has a place. We don’t put anything back after using it. I would also be inclined to hoard things and I hate to see waste. I’m so embarrassed I avoid having people in my home, or only have them in the parts that are tidyish. I don’t think I’ve ever had a completely tidy house. The most I’ve managed is a couple of rooms.

I’ve been trying really hard to get the house under control lately though. I’ve thrown away the stuff that’s no use to anyone and donated to charity shops. I’ve managed to get the kids’ rooms done - and decorated them for the first time. I’ve finished the bathroom and I’m halfway my room. Reading through this thread has been very helpful. I need to get my house under control for my sake and for my kids.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

i dont think we had an untidy house growing up, but my dm would collect so much,: jars, egg boxes, marg tubs
i tend to do the same,
and i hate just chucking things out, I want to recycle, so clothes, too many clothes, i cant bear to chuck them out, even though i have no space.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

nothing in my house has a place either, and my dh does not help,he is full of plans, which never materialise, and my dd is an artist , who keeps things to make things with!

[Krapom]

My mum is ultra clean and ultra tidy, but doesn’t impose that on us or our kids when we visit. She waits until we’re gone and scoots around the second the door shuts I imagine, but it’s not like she’s sitting twitching making everyone uncomfortable.

What it’s taught me is the need to be clean, I can’t stand dirt, and tidyish. If someone popped by unexpectedly I could always let them in, but would probably potter about for a couple of minutes as we started to chat making the place “right”. Weirdly, though our bedroom, far and away, is the messiest most disorganised room in the house. Couldn’t have aanyone in there. It’s like teenage me still has a box in my house and I use it to ditch stuff I can’t think what to do with when maintaining the rest of the house.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

there hasnt always been facebook,
i would genuinely have rather been with my dc, mostly out of the house, than tidying

[Bluebell2711]

I grew up with a mum who was ‘oh I will do it tomorrow’ and dad that was ‘do it now’

He was so - ‘can’t sit still’ she ‘I want to relax and watch telly’

I’m sort of in between

I have two younger sisters, one is so messy and one is so clean and everything in place

[BrummyMum1]

I think there should be “how to keep a tidy house” intensive lessons for adults who grew up with parents like this. Most cleaning/tidying advice assumes at least some knowledge and understanding of what most people do. I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to break the cycle of messiness but I still struggle.

[Grandmi]

Crikey it’s fair to say I was fairly organised as a mother but my daughter who is 26admits that she hated the fact that She couldn’t find matching socks when a teenager...I still cannot explain!! I still have a sock bag 🙄

[SummerCherry]

Definitely agree, I’ve quite a few friends and some of them, very upper middle class academic background etc types - and many have cleaners - have an unbearably messy house. I find it oppressive when I go to stay and I think it’s not great for their kids. They are fantastic parents otherwise - always doing stuff. Loads of craft stuff around.

They are also always ‘doing doing doing’ - there is no sense of serenity, order or peace. Does my head in!

My parents weren’t that clean either to be honest. It wasn’t awful but I remember having to wash stuff myself, get my own shampoo etc.

[DisobedientHamster]

DH grew up with hoarders. I mean, bad. So bad that once his parents died and left the house to his brother, who was just as bad and also extremely lazy, he ultimately lost the house due to filth.

He moved out as soon as he was able and is a minimalist and extremely tidy. He taught himself how to clean and it was long before the internet, it's not exactly hard to puzzle out.

I'm quite tidy myself, I regularly get rid of stuff and have a strict rota and everything is organised.

I don't want my kids feeling embarrassed to bring friends round.

DS has OCD and tends to want to hoard but he's on medication and much better now. But it used to drive me crazy, his wanting to hang onto rubbish because I'm the opposite.

It's neglect to live in a filthy place, not a badge of honour.

Mine have been doing chores since they could and DS has SN. DD is going into the Navy where she'll be expected to be tidy and clean.

[SummerCherry]

Lunch boxes were without fail a marmite sandwich and a penguin bar (that was it!). Even now if I open a 'treat' like some jaffa cakes I feel compelled to eat as many as I can because treats were so rare, or were snapped up by one of my siblings before I could have any. I so related to this! Didn’t have enough food either, I was way too skinny!