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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my friend's birthday even though I said I would

44 replies

KittyFantastico · 13/07/2020 23:31

My longest-standing friend has her birthday tomorrow, it's a milestone one and to celebrate it we were supposed to be going for a weekend away with two of our other friends. Obviously that isn't happening now so instead the four of us were planning a (socially distanced) barbecue and drinks tomorrow night, the friend who was going to be hosting it lives alone so it would have been only the four of us.

My friend has now decided she would rather go for a meal in the city centre and then on to a couple of bars afterwards so has booked a table for us all.

I really don't want to go into the city centre and I really don't want to go to a restaurant and then bar hopping. I'm not hiding under my bed with a bottle of antibac and twenty loo rolls, I do go out places, but a restaurant and pubs feels like too much right now. I do have GAD and PTSD which are more or less under control but I do find health issues triggering so I'm easing myself back into normal activities whereas the proposed birthday feels more like diving in with both feet and I know I'll spend the next two weeks obsessing over every tiny "symptom", feeling panicked, not sleeping, and feeling like I have iron bands around my chest preventing me from breathing properly.

AIBU to say I don't want to go? And how do I tell her I'm not going?

OP posts:
topoftheshops · 13/07/2020 23:34

Just say sorry but it's not something you're comfortable with at the moment so you will sit it out. Wish her a happy birthday, send a gift, and tell her you hope to see her soon for a socially distanced walk/chat whatever.

TreadLightly3 · 13/07/2020 23:41

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable not to want to go. I think there are lots of people who have never experienced any significant mental health issues who are also really concerned about being in enclosed spaces with people right now, especially around alcohol and how it lowers inhibitions. I am absolutely not going anywhere near the inside of a bar or restaurant unless it’s very, very brief for the foreseeable as personally I think it’s an unnecessary risk (and I don’t have underlying issues). I think your friend should be understanding that she may feel relaxed about it, which is fine, but she should also respect the fact that many, many people feel like you don’t and that should also be respected.

I’m afraid I don’t have any major advice to offer as to how to approach it other than to be honest with her and stick to your guns. You’d only cramp her style anyway with your worry! :) (I’d say that to her too). As you guys are such good friends, even if she is annoyed with you for a while I’m sure she’ll eventually forgive you.

Original poster
KittyFantastico · 13/07/2020 23:46

In a few weeks time once the rules around it have been tested (and adjusted if need be) and the data shows whether its pushed up case numbers then I'll be more relaxed about going. Using evidence is how I calm my worries, it's difficult to explain. It's like I have to wait until something has been tested before I can try it myself. This is something I'm working on in therapy but of course therapy is cancelled right now Hmm

OP posts:
copperoliver · 13/07/2020 23:55

Tell her the truth, sorry it's too much for me I can't come I'm not ready to.
My cousin invited me to a restaurant for her birthday I declined. I feel exactly the same as you. X

worstwitch18 · 13/07/2020 23:58

YANBU as long as you tell her. Not that you need to disclose health conditions - just you can't come and you are not comfortable with going to restaurants or bars in a pandemic.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/07/2020 23:58

Just say thanks but you don’t want to go. And leave it at that.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/07/2020 00:02

Explain that it's your GAD and PTSD causing this issue and hopefully she'll be sympathetic and understanding.

However, the pessimist in me would advise you to realise that this may damage your friendship.

I know it would be great if everyone could accept GAD (etc) but we have to be realistic that sometimes our needs have too negative an impact on those around us.

BackforGood · 14/07/2020 00:05

What Topoftheshops said.

Would have been best if you'd replied that as soon as she let you know of the changes of plan, but YANBU at all to not want to go.

I wouldn't either, and I have no medical conditions. I would have said when she first mentioned the change though.

famousforwrongreason · 14/07/2020 00:07

This is one of the easiest times to activate our right to say no.
You're not in a minority, lots of people even without these conditions are feeling the same way and you have no need to explain about your mental health.
I did my first social event at the weekend, we sat outside and it was lovely. When everyone moved on to a crowded bar I made my excuse and left.

famousforwrongreason · 14/07/2020 00:09

I also wouldn't be worried about damaging your friendship. If your friend is upset that you don't feel safe socialising amongst others during a pandemic then they're not much of a friend.
You can also offer an alternative date for you to celebrate together, something a bit less intense

SillyCow6 · 14/07/2020 00:10

You dont need to use your anxiety to say no to this, just explain you're not comfortable doing that yet

Tardigrade001 · 14/07/2020 00:12

If it's only four of you, she should have asked you first before booking. Obviously not everyone will be comfortable going to bars and restaurants just yet.
Explain, apologise, etc. She'll (hopefully) understand.

saraclara · 14/07/2020 00:12

I think it's absolutely reasonable to say you'd rather not. You don't have to have anxiety to not be comfortable with bar hopping at the moment.
I'd say that it's your friend who's the outlier here, not you.

ellendegeneres · 14/07/2020 00:26

Given that the birthday girl has changed the plan, it’s pretty easy for you to say
‘hey thanks for wanting to include me in this, but I’m really not up to going ‘out out’ more than the socially distanced bbq that was planned. I hope you have an amazing time and I’ll look forward to celebrating your (whatever)’th birthday when it’s all calmed down and we know where we are with this covid business’

If I got that message I’d understand and possibly go back to the original plan. It’s unlikely that you’ll be the only one not up to it. There’s no way I would be.

EdinaMonsoon · 14/07/2020 00:27

I had a similar situation last week OP. I felt super awkward sending my reply to the invite text but im the end decided that I was not unreasonable to not feel it appropriate to be socialising in the midst of a global pandemic. And for that reason, I would advise against citing your GAD as a factor. You’re not being unreasonable to not want to venture out irrespective of your mental health status. If it helps, I kept my reply short & to the point: “Ordinarily I would love to but I don’t feel comfortable socialising in the current situation”. If your friend(s) start pressurising you just ignore & repeat 😊

Dita73 · 14/07/2020 04:16

Don’t go. Call her a few hours before and tell her you’ve got a sudden migraine and can’t go. That way you get out of it and she can’t have a go at you

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 14/07/2020 06:14

YANBU. She changed the goalposts and you're not comfortable.

Tell her now, so she has time to amend the booking and accept that you won't be there. Send her a lovely card through the post.

But don't feel pressurised into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing - everyone has a different appetite for risk during the time of coronavirus, and you're not wrong to see things differently.

LittleDonk · 14/07/2020 06:50

Tbh I'd make it easier on myself and say I have diarrhoea and vomiting.

Ragwort · 14/07/2020 06:55

Don't make up a lie, just be honest, some of my friends aren't comfortable about meeting up at all, even in socially distanced gardens, I quite understand and any true friend would respect your views.

liaun · 14/07/2020 07:01

Can you go to the meal but not to the bars afterwards? Say you're happy to celebrate but don't trust drunk people in bars to stay away from you

Ginfordinner · 14/07/2020 07:18

Call her a few hours before and tell her you’ve got a sudden migraine and can’t go. That way you get out of it and she can’t have a go at you

No, don't do this. She will probably know you are lying and will like you less for doing so. Just say that you would have loved to join her for her birthday, but you don't feel comfortable going out and being aming lots of people during a pandemic. Any reasonable person will accept this.

She should really have sounded you out before booking anywhere TBH. What have the other two decided to do?

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 14/07/2020 07:27

Just tell her the truth that you feel that it's too early to be going to restaurants and bars. What do your other two friends think?

SparkyBlue · 14/07/2020 07:47

Just tell her the truth. We had this discussion here on Sunday as my sister was invited to an event at a friends house . It's a first communion party for her friends little girl and normally DS would be there but this time she doesn't feel comfortable going. It's absolutely fine right now to refuse to go to certain places you don't really need to go into too much detail as lots of people feel the exact same as you

mynameiscalypso · 14/07/2020 07:49

Well, what's she's doing isn't allowed is it? At least in England. I thought you were only allowed to combine two households max if out at a restaurant? Just tell her you don't feel comfortable breaking the guidelines at the moment.

Headandheart · 14/07/2020 07:52

A meal and going around bars? I wouldn’t be keen on that either and maybe the others wouldn’t be. I would tell the truth that you don’t want to do that at the moment.