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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my friend's birthday even though I said I would

44 replies

KittyFantastico · 13/07/2020 23:31

My longest-standing friend has her birthday tomorrow, it's a milestone one and to celebrate it we were supposed to be going for a weekend away with two of our other friends. Obviously that isn't happening now so instead the four of us were planning a (socially distanced) barbecue and drinks tomorrow night, the friend who was going to be hosting it lives alone so it would have been only the four of us.

My friend has now decided she would rather go for a meal in the city centre and then on to a couple of bars afterwards so has booked a table for us all.

I really don't want to go into the city centre and I really don't want to go to a restaurant and then bar hopping. I'm not hiding under my bed with a bottle of antibac and twenty loo rolls, I do go out places, but a restaurant and pubs feels like too much right now. I do have GAD and PTSD which are more or less under control but I do find health issues triggering so I'm easing myself back into normal activities whereas the proposed birthday feels more like diving in with both feet and I know I'll spend the next two weeks obsessing over every tiny "symptom", feeling panicked, not sleeping, and feeling like I have iron bands around my chest preventing me from breathing properly.

AIBU to say I don't want to go? And how do I tell her I'm not going?

OP posts:

Dancingalong · 14/07/2020 07:53

Just tell her the truth that you’re not comfortable going right now. Everyone is in different places and that’s ok. Hopefully she’ll respect where you’re at.

Pandacub7 · 14/07/2020 07:54

Did she let you know about the change of plans before she booked the table? If so you should have declined then. Don’t pretend to be ill, like some other posters have said. Just be honest. No one likes a liar. Just say you’re not comfortable with going into the busy city centre right now, but you hope to meet up again soon.

JSW642 · 14/07/2020 07:56

Absolutely in the right, I wouldn't be comfortable going either. And I'm currently getting a bit of a ripping in the face masks thread because of my cavalier attitude to ppe so I'm not exactly over cautious about the virus! But I certainly wouldn't be in pubs and restaurants yet, it's too soon.

JSW642 · 14/07/2020 07:57

And agree just be honest. Just say you dont feel ready. We've been through a lot!

Mittens030869 · 14/07/2020 08:01

It would have been better if you'd said no when your friend changed the goalposts, but a lot of us find it hard to say no. Just tell her what you've said here, that it's too soon for a restaurant and pub crawl. But you look forward to seeing her soon.

Mittens030869 · 14/07/2020 08:03

And no, i agree with PPs who have said it really wouldn't be a good idea to tell a lie about it.

TheChineseChicken · 14/07/2020 08:04

If I arranged this and a friend said they didn’t feel comfortable I would be completely understanding. Everyone is in a different place at the moment. Hopefully your friend will be the same - just tell her the truth

Irelate · 14/07/2020 08:04

Tell her the truth. She may be having slight doubts herself about the wisdom of her restaurant and pubs idea. If you tell her you're not comfortable with it, it may give her a 'get out' to do something safer.

Thinkpinkstink · 14/07/2020 08:25

As per PP; I'd just say that you love her, and would love to see her, but don't feel comfortable in the situation.

I wouldn't blame an anxiety disorder, you don't have to have an anxiety disorder to feel anxious right now. It's an anxious time. And your fears are legitimate.

Flyingagainstreason · 14/07/2020 08:38

Well you can not go obviously. It’s your choice.

But sit down and really think about why you don’t want to go now, but my want to go in a few weeks. What part of the evening you can’t handle. And then make a decision. Getting back on the horse is going to be tough for a lot of people.

I had a friend feel the same, they decided to make the effort to come and at the end of the night said they were extremely glad they had, and it was in no way as bad as they thought it was.

This is the kind of situation you should do the best you can for your friends big birthday if you at all feel you possibly can.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 14/07/2020 08:52

She should have asked you all before changing the plans. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that new plan either at the moment (and I don’t have any anxiety around health either).

heysugar · 14/07/2020 08:53

My friend decided to go for a meal and to a pub for their birthday and I was clear that I'd go if we were outside but not to change their plans for me. I think other people felt the same and we have a table booked in a garden with table service. We'll only need to go inside for the loo which feels ok.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to go into restaurants and bars at the moment.

magicstar1 · 14/07/2020 08:55

I’ve said no to quite a few things like this recently. I just said that I’m not going to lie, I’m not not happy to go out yet.
There’s no point making up excuses, might as well be honest.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/07/2020 09:00

Yanbu. And given that shes the one who changed plans without checking with her best friends I'd say she has been a little U given the pandemic situation.
She might be a bit p'd off but I really think many people arent ready for bars in town etc just yet.
I'm meeting several people this week but all outside and SD. That's what I'm ok with.

Original poster

KittyFantastico · 14/07/2020 09:20

What do your other two friends think?

One of them is fine about it and the other is happy to do whatever the majority wants to do.

The plans only changed yesterday evening so I'm going to let her know this morning that I'm going to give it a miss.

I thought you were only allowed to combine two households max if out at a restaurant?

That's only indoors, supposedly if you're in the outdoor area then it's up to six households as per everywhere else but that's come from my friend so she might have misinterpreted it.

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/07/2020 09:43

As long as you dont let her down at the last minute, and are honest and apologetic then she is a rubbish friend if she isnt ok with that. A majority of people aren't going out at the moment!

BackforGood · 14/07/2020 19:29

I don't get the train of thought of people who suggest you pretend you are going then let her down at the last minute, by lying
I mean, why would yo do that ?

Ginfordinner · 14/07/2020 21:30

@BackforGood

I don't get the train of thought of people who suggest you pretend you are going then let her down at the last minute, by lying

I mean, why would yo do that ?

Neither do I. It's a shitty thing to do

Megan2018 · 14/07/2020 21:32

I wouldn’t go and I’d just be honest and say why.

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