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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB and SIL forgot DDs birthday

26 replies

SuperMumTum · 13/07/2020 22:58

They were away somewhere, just for a short break, and just forgot. They've had a lot of worries (and still do) and this was a nice break for them. They didn't send a card or gift for DD in advance or call on the day or acknowledge it in any way. DD is 9. My kids are their only niece and nephews and we generally between us make abit if a fuss for our kids birthdays with video messages etc. DD didn't notice, she got to see her friends and she had plenty of other presents and cards so it all rolled into one. Now DB and SIL want to phone her up to apologise for missing her birthday.

I don't think it's big deal and would rather it was just left. DD didn't notice. They obviously were enjoying a well deserved break, which I don't begrudge them for a second, but why would you want to then make a big fuss of apologising to a 9 year old for missing her birthday 3 days ago? Surely she will then be aware that she was a low priority for them all along and no one want to hear that? She won't fully understand why their minds were elsewhere and she's a bit of a sensitive child so might then feel overlooked. I struggle to see what DD will gain from this, surely it's just to make the forgetful adults feel better?

I've asked them to not bother and we'll arrange a meet up over the summer as we usually would.

YABU let them apologise
YANBU if they apologise it's purely for their own benefit.

OP posts:
Persephonecall · 13/07/2020 23:01

I would say an apology would make her feel worse. It would be all for them. Much nicer to just get on with it with a late gift and a promise to see her soon. (In exactly the same situation except DB was not away, just “busy”!)

Original poster
SuperMumTum · 13/07/2020 23:07

SIL seems to think there's some kind of lesson that DD needs to learn about adults owning their mistakes and apologising. I would rather DD just carried on oblivious. Surely not everything has to be a lesson? Sometimes you can just allow the kid to be happy.

OP posts:
monotata · 13/07/2020 23:09

I wouldn’t stress over it Confused

Tell her they’d been away and now they’re back and want to wish her a happy birthday.

This isn’t a big deal.

skyblu · 13/07/2020 23:10

YAB a bit U. They want to apologise because they must feel awful and because they care. Which is far nicer than just missing her birthday and then just not giving a s**t that they have.
But I understand how them apologising could actually have a reverse affect for your daughter.

Can you just explain to them that there’s really no need to apologise / please don’t apologise (& that might actually cause the adverse affect that you’ve explained to us). But tell your DD that they were away on hols but want to call & hear about her birthday.

Then Bro & SIL get to talk to her, make themselves feel better...DD gets to talk to them but is none the wiser that they actually forgot!

Fuebomba0 · 13/07/2020 23:11

If DD isn’t bothered, I don’t see an issue

borisjohnsonsstylist · 13/07/2020 23:12

Could you suggest that they apologise for missing her birthday, rather than forgetting it?

ScubaSteven · 13/07/2020 23:20

They seem to be making a bit of a fuss - YANBU for wanting to avoid DD feeling bad but I think they should still wish her a happy birthday, give her a present as usual and apologise for not getting it to her on the day (rather than forgetting). In my family 3 days really isn't classed as forgetting but I appreciate all families are different.

FWIW I'm currently waiting on some sort of acknowledgement from my DB and SIL that they have missed my 5 yo birthday 4 weeks ago, we don't see them often so I don't think DS would feel that they had forgotten but perhaps I'll feel differently when he is older (I know this will happen again).

It is massively crap when people forget children's birthdays though.

Original poster
SuperMumTum · 13/07/2020 23:28

I don't really think they want to give her a present (they don't really do gifts/cards for the sake of it and hate excessive spending and waste) so it would literally just be a phone call.

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 13/07/2020 23:34

A three days late phone excuse is only for their benefit. It will be awkward for your dd, and a lesson to be learned? Holy moly only lesson to be learned is for you sil and db. That's just them moving responsability onto your dd.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 14/07/2020 00:47

You sound hurt that they forgot. Which is fine to be. YABU though your SIL makes sense.

Yeahnahmum · 14/07/2020 00:58

Your dd didn't care
So let them apologise
You are just not willing to let them because they forgot her birthday

We are all human. We forget things. Times are stressful and weird at the moment. Heck I even forgot my own mum's birthday once. It happens.

Get over it. Let them call. Or that isn't important enough as they won't be 'giving her a present only a phonecall'...

I

1forAll74 · 14/07/2020 01:27

It's not an issue at all. and no big deal. If they want to make an apology.just let them. I quite forgot one of my Grandsons birthday in May, he was 10 this year. I sent a message to my daughter, to ask her to tell my Grandson..

I didn't realise he had an email address, and later, he sent me an absolutely lovely well written email, telling me what he had done for his Birthday, and bits of other news,and then he said, don't you worry Nan, I know your car is off the road at the minute,and that they don't sell birthday cards in your village shop. !! I was well chuffed with this.

bpirockin · 14/07/2020 01:28

I guess it would be nice if they phoned and asked if she enjoyed her special day, maybe saying they were sorry they hadn't been in touch on the actual day but they guessed she'd be busy anyway. - more a gesture of recognition.

k1233 · 14/07/2020 01:53

Hand up - i forgot to call my niece on her birthday once. Of course I called and apologised to her (my present had arrived, I just hadn't called). She was so lovely about it. She was probably similar age to your DD at the time.

I think your SIL has a valid point. Adults aren't perfect, they make mistakes. When they do, they apologise.

Inkpaperstars · 14/07/2020 02:11

Don't do presents! No wonder your DD didn't notice Grin

AhNowTed · 14/07/2020 02:19

Honestly you're making more of it than is necessary.

If I forgot my niece's birthday (which I have) of course I'd want to apologise, and let her know she mattered to me.

I really don't understand your objection to this.

Josette77 · 14/07/2020 04:10

I think you are being a bit precious about this. They was to call and apologize and wish her a happy birthday. That's normal.

Pixxie7 · 14/07/2020 05:18

Agree with pp she may not have been bothered but probably noticed. Let them apologise.

vikingwife · 14/07/2020 05:40

I think you’re projecting your own disappointment into your daughter. If she wasn’t bothered by them missing her bday why would she not appreciate a personal phone call to congratulate her on her belated lady & stretch out the bday celebrations a few days? It really sounds like this is all about you.

TW2013 · 14/07/2020 06:53

I would encourage them to apologise for not ringing on the day due to being away rather than forgetting. If they don't ring soon then it will seem a bit meaningless but if they don't ring at all dd might realise the next time there is a birthday that she was missed out this time.

topcat2014 · 14/07/2020 06:58

I have 10nieces and nephews. I don't know when their birthdays are unless invited to a party. Everyone survives

dustyphoenix · 14/07/2020 07:01

I honestly don't think I'd notice if my ILs forgot my DC birthday. You sound really precious about this and I suspect you want to let them know you're annoyed by refusing to let them apologise. You said yourself your DD didn't notice, so why are you making such a fuss?

oblada · 14/07/2020 07:06

You're being very precious about it. I forget birthdays regularly and when I do I ring/message as soon as I can wishing the person the best and apologising. Nobody gets hurt. It would be ridiculous for your DD to feel hurt by an apology? Surely she would just be pleased to receive well wishes. I know my kids wouldn't be bothered by someone forgetting their birthday and would be very happy with a call a couple of days later. Nobody is perfect!!

Tinamou · 14/07/2020 07:06

I think if you say no it will come across as you being pissed off with them for forgetting, which you say you're not. Just let them phone and apologise - not as a 'lesson' for DD but because they really want to so why not let them?

DinoGreen · 14/07/2020 07:24

I’m a terrible aunt and regularly forgot my niece and nephew’s birthdays ... well, I’d remember at the last minute and the card and present would usually be a few days late. No dramas on either side, it’s really not that big a deal for them to call and wish her a happy birthday a few days late imo.