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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my husband to leave his job.

34 replies

Flipmyflop · 13/07/2020 20:07

My husband has struggled with his mental health for years. He's been depressed on and off as long as I've known him and is taking medication which seems to help a little but i can see that life is often a struggle for him.
He has been in a job that he hates for the last few years and is desperate to leave. This week, though, things have taken a turn for the worse and he has told me that he intends to hand in his notice.

I want to support him but im so worried. We have two young kids and a substantial mortgage. I work but don't earn enough to cover everything.
The worst bit for me is that he has no plan, he just says he cant work anymore. He might be able to do a part time job in the future but has no plans to look for one at the moment.
Ive tried to talk to him and tell him how i feel but he thinks im putting money above his health. I absolutely agree that his health and happiness come first and i dont want him to spend the next 30 years being unhappy. On the other hand, if he doesnt work at all then we will be totally stuck financially and im not sure he would be at all happy sitting at home all day, every day.
I have no idea what to say to him!

OP posts:

FabbyChix · 13/07/2020 20:09

When you take the correct meds for depression it cures it. But also if you’re unhappy that also keeps you depressed.

BellyMama · 13/07/2020 20:10

YANBU I don’t know that I can give you any advice other than that he needs to be realistic and consider you and your kids too. Depression is a selfish illness unfortunately so I can see how he hasn’t considered it but that does not make it ok. Is he getting help?

Annasgirl · 13/07/2020 20:11

Hi OP, You might get more support on the mental health forum on here.

I work in mental health.

Can you get your husband to the GP and get him signed off work (on sickness)

Get him professional treatment - where I live people get this through their health insurance and can go straight in, if you are in the UK this may not be possible - could you afford to get private treatment?

When his health has recovered, he needs to change career.

I hope this helps.

Annasgirl · 13/07/2020 20:12

I should add OP, that he should change career but not leave his job until he has a new job, even if it is lower pay in a different area.

Onepostonlyjustone · 13/07/2020 20:15

meds DO NOT cure depression.
perhaps he is beginning to realise that he's basically a "cash cow".

Milly90 · 13/07/2020 20:17

What is his ideal plan. Could you sell up and buy a smaller house with less outgoings or is the area of the country you live in expensive regardless?

Ultimately he needs help for his mental health but I do understand what he is saying r.e money before mental health as I have felt this way before. But I jointly made the choices that resulted in our financial situation being as it is too

He needs support and he probably thinks quitting his job is the only option and it may well be one option. Try sitting down with him and pen and paper and going through how you can reduce outgoings or what job could he do to contribute but get better

Its tough op im sorry

BeccaB1981 · 13/07/2020 20:18

So I think the problem is that neither of you are "wrong"

But he's been the breadwinner for years in a job that he hates and can't take any more .. you need to figure out a ruthless plan together.

Can you up your hours or move jobs to increase your salary?
Can he step down a level so it's not all or nothing?
Can he step up and do more childcare while you work on getting a promotion?
Can you downsize or cut costs significantly, e.g. any room for a lodger?
Have you identified what the problem is , is it the job or his employer or the nature of the specific role?

I don't want to sound alarming but I've been in a job I hated before while being the main earner, after a year I was suicidal, not a joke, I honestly thought it would be better off if I stepped into traffic than go into that toxic place again for 1 more day, after 365 days of "gritting my teeth to get through 1 more day' I didn't have anything left. In my case the job was great, the employer ok but my colleagues were sexist arseholes. Exact same job but for another org was a life saver. Literally.

Oblomov20 · 13/07/2020 20:20

I think I would tell him that it's not ok to hand in his notice until he had another job.
And make an emergency appointment with his GP to review his meds.

Original poster

Flipmyflop · 13/07/2020 20:20

He spoke to a GP who has agreed that he can be signed off for a week, which is a relief for both of us.
I would be totally happy with him leaving for another part time or lower paid job. My problem is more that he just seems to think it would be fine if he just gives up work for the foreseeable. Its just not like him and its totally unrealistic!
He seems to think im being an unsupportive wife if i point these things out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flipmyflop · 13/07/2020 20:27

Ive applied for a new job which will mean more hours and slightly better pay. Id be glad to be the breadwinner, im lucky in that i really like my job. We aren't rich though and need both of us to work at the moment.
Im trying to encourage him to speak to his boss but he says it wont help.
I will keep talking to him and try to make a plan to support him.

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 13/07/2020 20:33

I understand the overwhelming urge to leave a job, but now is most definitely not the right time to do this, with hundreds of thousands of job losses and a very uncertain future for the economy and job market.

Babyroobs · 13/07/2020 20:33

He needs some time off sick and when he is thinking more clearly then he can think about moving forwards. When you are in the depths of depression like this to the point where you just can't carry on you can't expect him to have a plan really as the desperation to get out is all he can think about. I have been there myself and it's horrible. If he does have to leave then consider if he will get any benefits for a short while, he would be eligible for a contributions based benefit or jointly you may get Universal credit. He should exhaust all sick pay available to him first and as others have said try to get some therapy.

blackcat86 · 13/07/2020 20:36

He needs to speak to his GP about extending his sick note. He also needs to sit down and be a proactive part of planning how things will work financially and practically. He can't simply sit back saying I quit and expect you to magic up solutions or you're being unsupportive. Regardless of MH he is an adult with joint responsibilities so he needs to figure out how to meet these whilst priorising his MH. I say that as someone with PND and PNA.

CloudyEggs · 13/07/2020 20:40

Medication doesn’t cure depression I’m afraid. You have to get to the root of what is wrong, and that very well may be his job. But I agree that if he quits and does nothing, the situation may get worse.

Can you become a little proactive? Some walks, a bit of meditation? Nothing too full on, but some gentle things that will relax him. Nature has been proven to wonderful for mental health issues, can you go for a walk in a woodland or do some bird watching?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/07/2020 20:44

Depression can’t be cured but I’d be looking for the gp to up/ tweak his medication. He needs to realise the recession we are heading into, don’t leave a job, I wouldn’t even leave a job if he had a new one, due to the lack of job security. What does he hate about his current role?

Hippee · 13/07/2020 20:50

We're in exactly the same situation, except my husband does want to retrain and do something different. He's not really getting on top of his depression because he feels so overwhelmed by the job. Home life is awful, so I do want him to leave the job, for his own sake, though it is scary in the current climate (we have some savings, but I can't support us all long term).

Babymamamama · 13/07/2020 20:54

Ask him to not hand his notice in but instead to stay off sick.... while accessing some support. Hopefully he can work a plan that includes some paid employment that he would enjoy more than what ever he is doing now.

Sunrise234 · 13/07/2020 21:06

As other PPs have suggested get him to take sick leave so he'll at least have a break for now to have some time to work on himself. I would then have a conversation about how more difficult things would be if he were to give up his job and not cope financially and how this will make the depression worse so giving up work is not going to be good for him. You or he could look for other work that is maybe higher pay so that he can do fewer hours and then take up a hobby as well whilst he is on sick leave.

Timeforanotherusername · 13/07/2020 21:17

As a couple we made that decision.

Job was not right and things were never going to get better whilst still working in the place.

The possible difference was that he had only been in the job a few months.

There were different factors that helped us make the decision too.

We took the chance, he left without a job to go to, in an industry with very few jobs. It did work out for us and we have never once regretted him leaving.

If the job is the root cause of his issues then you do need to think about his long term health. If its just the area he is focusing on as being the problem, then leaving may not help.

Definitely support from GP is essential.

Pikachubaby · 13/07/2020 21:24

Tough one!

Can he not take sick leave? He’s actually unwell

Poor guy

Ultimately with depression, you don’t just need meds, you need to change the root of the problem too

tara66 · 13/07/2020 21:51

Have you pointed out to him that he has long standing responsibilities? Ask if he intends to just sink into growing mountains of debt. Does he realize that your house maybe repossessed? What would he do about that? Ask if he wants his children to be deprived and have to leave school to work because he is not supporting them. How will he live in old age? Does he think you will also become depressed if made to be sole breadwinner? This was not the lie you had in mind when you married him - point that out to him. It's not good enough..

Notfeelinggreattoday · 13/07/2020 21:51

Can he not get signed off sick a little longer , i know my gp signed me off for 2 weeks initially and extended when i needed ,although i only received basic ssp but better than nothing.
Good luck on getting your new job

Notfeelinggreattoday · 13/07/2020 21:51

echodot · 13/07/2020 22:00

@Onepostonlyjustone

1) meds DO NOT cure depression. 2) perhaps he is beginning to realise that he's basically a "cash cow".

Come on, you dont know the situation. Be kind.

recycledbottle · 13/07/2020 22:10

As others have said, he needs to be signed off sick so you can both have a rational conversation about it. Working in a job that you cannot bear is no joke but equally being repossessed and children needing to relocate schools is also no joke. If he has been unhappy for a while has he been applying for other positions for a while?

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