AIBU to not want my husband to leave his job.

[Flipmyflop]

My husband has struggled with his mental health for years. He's been depressed on and off as long as I've known him and is taking medication which seems to help a little but i can see that life is often a struggle for him.
He has been in a job that he hates for the last few years and is desperate to leave. This week, though, things have taken a turn for the worse and he has told me that he intends to hand in his notice.

I want to support him but im so worried. We have two young kids and a substantial mortgage. I work but don't earn enough to cover everything.
The worst bit for me is that he has no plan, he just says he cant work anymore. He might be able to do a part time job in the future but has no plans to look for one at the moment.
Ive tried to talk to him and tell him how i feel but he thinks im putting money above his health. I absolutely agree that his health and happiness come first and i dont want him to spend the next 30 years being unhappy. On the other hand, if he doesnt work at all then we will be totally stuck financially and im not sure he would be at all happy sitting at home all day, every day.
I have no idea what to say to him!

Jesus Christ tara66. That's pretty heartless.

@tara66

Have you pointed out to him that he has long standing responsibilities? Ask if he intends to just sink into growing mountains of debt. Does he realize that your house maybe repossessed? What would he do about that? Ask if he wants his children to be deprived and have to leave school to work because he is not supporting them. How will he live in old age? Does he think you will also become depressed if made to be sole breadwinner? This was not the lie you had in mind when you married him - point that out to him. It's not good enough..

Not very good advice. If you make it so that stopping work is not ever an option because all these catastrophes will happen, that kind of poisonous litany has resulted in suicide. After all, to a severely depressed person the solution to be able to stop working + get money for family is the life insurance policy that most employers offer and after only 2yrs will pay out in full even in case of suicide. Why do you think so many breadwinner men just step in front if trains on the way to work?

Anyway, as other PPs have said, get him signed off sick by GP preferably for a month. I’d also ask for him to be referred for psychiatric assessment. His meds may no longer be working/helping and a psychiatrist should be managing his medication.
After he’s decompressed and is starting to feel better, that is the time to talk about future planning.

COuld he be in an industry where they may be looking for voluntary redundancies? May be worth seeing what he can find out.

Thanks for all the replies. We've had a good talk this evening and ive tried to be realistic.
At the end of the day, i cant ask him to carry on in a job that he hates. He's told me that he feels as if he is heading for a breakdown, he said he feels incredibly anxious every day, the pressure is just too much. Him explaining himself a bit more has helped a lot. Im not sure i understood how bad he felt, now i realise i have to support him. He said the GP was great and so im hoping he will have his sick note extended. He has agreed that he will need to find a job at some point and i think (hope) he's beginning to understand my concerns.
Im still very anxious though! Couldnt have happened at a worse time!

It's ok to be depressed but you must be seeking help to fight it. Be careful. Encourage him to take a few weeks sick leave to concentrate on his mental health - that should involve counselling, gp, sorting his medication etc, yoga, exercise - whatever works. What it shouldn't be is a 'holiday' with no responsibilities - that is an unrealistic life and not an option for a grown up. He needs to get up at a normal time every day, do his share of parenting / house tasks etc. And there should be a plan - for example, if he doesn't have a job in his usual field by x date, then he needs to take any employment like supermarket work. Good luck OP, it'll be a tricky few months ahead I'm sure.

Glad to hear you are talking OP, just to say that many, many men have breakdowns during their career and they need the space to be treated by professionals to get through this period and to come out alive and on a healthy path the other side of it. I do not work in this area but have experienced with friends.

i'm glad you're talking to your partner OP. that's a good start.

tara66 your advice is incredibly damaging.

i agree 100% with PlanDeR's post:

"Not very good advice. If you make it so that stopping work is not ever an option because all these catastrophes will happen, that kind of poisonous litany has resulted in suicide. After all, to a severely depressed person the solution to be able to stop working + get money for family is the life insurance policy that most employers offer and after only 2yrs will pay out in full even in case of suicide. Why do you think so many breadwinner men just step in front if trains on the way to work?"

exactly this - at my lowest ebb, just before i refused to basically go back into the office i worked in after "sucking it up" for a year, i actually went onto our work intranet at about 2am and checked the death service benefits to see if they covered suicide. they did, but i didn't meet the service criteria, and the salary payout for my level was crap (not even enough to make a noticible dent in the mortgage so DH didn't have to worry about losing the house for a couple of years) - so i didn't look further. i've never told DH this. who knows what would have happened if i'd read something different or been on a train to work rather than a bus+walk.

you shouldn't advise what you did on threads like this tara66, you don't know the consequences of being in a high stress, high expectation job for years at a time whilst being the breadwinner.

Are there things you can cut back on to make things slightly less terrifying financially?
Will you be saving on his commute for example?

Unmanageable debt and not being able to pay the bills will not help his depression. And will pile the pressure on you.
Best of luck.

I did quit a job at a bad time financially, I was crying in the shower before work each day and it took a good few months and relocation to find a new job. My life and health have been a million times better for it though and my career rebounded eventually.